WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

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Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.


With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).


-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.


Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

Ya Down With A.D.D. (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)

So I meant to post this Friday, but then I got sidetracked. It's the story of my life. I have the attention span of my papito Dug from Up (see below).



While, clinically, it's probably A.D.D.; personally, it's just that you're not interesting enough to hold my attention. I mean, I once spent an entire day looking at different varieties of berries on Wikipedia (I'll be honest. I originally googled "dingleberries."), but usually, I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Some people find it to be endearing. It causes me to go off on tangents, supplying you with long, rambling blog posts. I mean, where else can you read about squash, douchy realtors, watermelon (stay tuned) and David Faustino's asshole on the same website? Well, maybe Google.com, but this is a close second.

So I spent July 4th weekend at Rusty's house, and left with 2 things--the motivation to start blogging again, and a watermelon. Like myself, Rusty enjoys a good manchowder joke, and dislikes wasting food. Combine that with my love of drunk blogging, and you get this:

Watermelon juice + vodka + ice = fine quality beverage

I'm so innovative.

Actually, this sucked. Maybe that's because I used Gordon's Vodka. Because nothing screams class/sophistication like a plastic bottle. You know how I do!

Anyhoozer, this blog is actually about pulled pork. I have no idea how to gracefully transition from watermelon to pork, and after a few Watermelontinis (sure, why not), I'm not going to try.

Unfortunately, "pulled pork" isn't another name for your peen post-masterbation. Fortunately, my version of pulled pork will give your dominant hand (for cooking, obviously) a rest, and allow you to rely entirely on your Slow Cooker. Seriously, even a slow cooker could figure out how to use a Slow Cooker.

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Pulled Pork with Homemade Barbecue Sauce

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-2 lbs pork shoulder, sliced about 1 inch thick
-2 cups ketchup
-1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
-1/4 cup brown sugar
-1 dash dry mustard
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Place pork slices in your slow cooker.

-Cover pork with the remaining ingredients.


-Cover, and cook on low for 6-8 hours, depending on the strength of your slow cooker. Mine is apparently the Hulk, since after even only a couple of hours my pot is scalding and spitting hot fluid (insert dirty joke here) out of the lid.
-Remove pork shoulder from slow cooker, and remove bones and excess fat (or don't) from the pork. Shred the remaining pork with a fork (poet and I don't know it perhaps?).

Look how bee-yoo-tee-full!
-Behold the beauty of your delicious, waiting-to-be-piled-on-split-Kaiser-rolls pulled pork.
-Eat up, Fatties!

It's Man Chowder, It don't come from no can, It's Man Chowder, It's made by hand...

Really? That title prompted you to read today's recipe post?

For those of you who had been reading my posts on Buffalo Sports Daily throughout the football season, I apologize. This post is a repeat. That's when you know you've made it big: your posts stream into syndication. Or that could also means you suck, and no one wants to air you on primetime anymore (Except TBS. Very funny.).

Since I've been in such a soup kick lately (stay tuned for lots of soup posts...Soup Nazi in full effect), I thought I would kick it old school (that is, the ancient month of September 2009), and rehash for you my very first Buffalo Sports Daily post--New England Clam Chowdaaah.

OK, I’ll be honest with you. This was my first time ever making New England Clam Chowder in September. Actually, this was my first time making New England Clam Chowder ever, but don’t you worry about that, kitten. The Unemployed Chef does not disappoint. You know, so when you're tailgating or showing off your dish at the big house party, no one can say your “chowdah” tastes more like “manchowdah” (although you can always retaliate with, ‘Why the F do you know what that tastes like?’ Awkward pause.)

Hey, It’s what I do—I look out for you. You’re welcome.

Apparently, traditional New England Clam Chowdaaahhh uses salt pork, not bacon. I personally like both, but since I have about 5 blocks of salt pork in my freezer, tradition served me well. You can use whatever you want. Most Italian butchers carry salt pork. If you’ve never cooked with salt pork before, it should look something like this:

Mmmmm… salt. Fat. Drool.

You can hate on the unhealthiness all you want, but watch what happens when you show up in the parking lot with tofu skewers.

If you can’t find salt pork, no need to get your chonies in a bunch. Bacon or pancetta or even ham hocks are just as delicious and fatty. They definitely have a smokier taste, but aint nothin’ wrong with that.

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New England Clam Chowdaaah

Makes one big-ass pot full of chowdah

Ingredients
-About ½ ounce butcher cut salt pork (I used half a butcher block); or 4 strips bacon
-½ Spanish or yellow onion, diced small
-2 Tbsp white flour
-3 Yukon gold potatoes, cut into small cubes
-1 cup bottled clam juice (I used Cento Clam Juice), or reserved clam juice from can (but bottled tastes less like…can.)
-2 6-ounce cans whole baby clams, drained (reserve liquid…just in case)
-1 cup half & half
-½ cup heavy cream
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Remove rind from salt pork. Cut salt pork into small cubes. The easiest way to do this is with a pair of scissors.
-In a deep pot or dutch oven (haha), cook salt pork over medium heat until cubes are crispy. I added the rinds in there, too—totally optional. Depends how much oink oink you want in your chowder. As you can see, mine reeks of Miss Piggy.

-Remove salt pork and rinds from pot, reserving grease. Cook diced onion in the grease until soft and translucent, but not browned (about 5-10 minutes, depending on how big of a batch you’re cooking). Caramelizing the onions will change the taste of the chowder. To avoid that, I cooked the onions with the lid on for half of the time.


-Sprinkle in flour, and stir constantly for 3-5 minutes. Just like the onions, you don’t want to burn your flour.
-Add clam juice, and stir for about 2 minutes.
-Add potatoes, and bring to a boil. Once clam juice is boiling, cover and simmer until potatoes are soft. This took me FOREVER. Usually potatoes take me, like, 15 minutes. I guess there wasn’t enough liquid in the pan to soften those babies up quickly. My advice? Just keep checking them until they’re soft enough.


-Remove lid, and pour in clams. Slowly pour in half & half, followed by your heavy cream.
-Allow your chowder to heat up SLOWLY.. You do NOT want to boil anything with cream! Barf.

-Check for taste, and season with salt and pepper, if necessary. If your chowder’s too thin, add some cornstarch to thicken it up. If you prefer it more soupy (weirdo), you can use some of your reserved can clam juice to thin it out. Or water.

Best thing about revisiting old recipes? Revisiting these gorgeous 49¢ placemats that all you bitches love to hate! Enjoy.

Cereal, chicken, & several inappropriate references to "starfishes"...

Here is another overdue post that I have to revise, seeing that 2 months later, half of my rambling no longer applies. More work for me, I guess. And you know how I feel about work...

Anyway, the Jets miraculously made it into the playoffs. (I do mean miraculously, because by some miracle, they beat the Colts. And by miracle, I mean the Colts pulled their entire starting lineup.) For Sunday's game against the Chargers, I’ve got a quick and easy (I’ll refrain from the mom jokes this week) TAILGATE-worthy recipe for you: Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips. Really, you don’t need chef skills, time, or money to make this (but it’s sooo good). Before I present you with the recipe, here’s a little background story that you’ll probably skip over.

If any of you have been to Manhattan, you’ll find that nothing in this city comes cheap (except for the free Staten Island ferry, but that leaves you in Staten Island, so I guess that’s the price you have to pay). As a full-time Unemployment Collector, braving the everyday New York prices are quite the struggle. Especially when it comes to grocery shopping. Especially when we are one of the few cities who don’t have Super Walmart (or any Walmart, for that matter).

Perhaps if I’ve never shopped outside of Manhattan, I wouldn’t know any better. But that is not the case. And if you think I’m going to spend $7.99 on a SMALL box of Frosted Flakes, you can kiss my starfish.

So naturally, I jumped for joy when I found a HUGE box of generic Shoprite Corn Flakes for $2.99 at my local Gristedes. Seriously, the box was bigger than my torso. Then I thought–perfect, my next tailgating meal! No, not a bowl of Corn Flakes, although that could work.

I then ventured into the meat aisle. $10.99 for chicken breasts covered in fat and veins, with an uncanny resemblance to Jocelyn Wildenstein’s skin? No, I refuse.

I actually broke down and checked out the Whole Foods in my area. I usually avoid places like this, because I’m a cheap bitch, but everything in Manhattan is so damn expensive anyway. Wow, compared to a shithole like Gristedes, this place was beautiful. Seriously, I almost made a mess in my pants in the produce aisle. That’s how much I loved this place. But let’s save that for another post…

Anyway, I found SEXY chicken breasts for $7.99. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of this, because I’m sure you could give two shits. But my chicken strips came out sooo good, and I’m not sure if it was from my amazingness, or the sexiness of the Whole Foods chicken. I guess you can try the recipe for yourselves, and let me know.

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Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-4 boneless & skinless chicken breasts, sliced into small strips
-2-3 cups white flour (or enough to fill a Ziplock bag)
-1-2 cups butter, melted
-3-4 cups Corn Flakes, crushed (Easy way to do this without scraping up your knuckles: Place inside a Ziplock bag, seal, and smash.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400° F. Pour melted butter into a small bowl, and place flour and crushed Corn Flakes into two separate Ziplock bags. You can also use those shallow, rectangular Chinese takeout containers, with the raised sides.



-Coat chicken strips with flour, butter, and crushed Corn Flakes, in that order. Arrange on a foil-lined baking sheet.


-Tent foil around the sides of the baking sheet so that it locks in juices, but does not cover the chicken completely. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through.


I think this ties in nicely to my “starfish” reference above, don’t you agree?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips" post.

Mac, Cheese, & Beer: A Harmonious Threesome

New Year’s Resolution #1: Blog more.

Seriously, why have I been such a d-bag? Last post--December 10, 2009? W.T.F.

No excuses. I won’t even try. But here’s a little recap info, since you missed me so much. (Seriously, how did you even get through the holiday season without me? It must have been really lame. You are so STRONG! SO BRAVE!)

As you might have already read about 3 weeks ago in my Buffalo Sports Daily post, the Unemployed Chef had found yet another way to live off the system. Focus Groups. (For those of you who live outside a major city and never had the pleasure to attend a focus group/have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out. But, put simply, focus groups are when marketing companies pay you lots of money to rape you of your ideas for an hour.)

So now I’m taking advantage of marketing agencies, along with the government. Anyway, a few weeks back I was sitting in an hour-long focus group (for $125) in which the topic was Science, so I had been feeling a little experimental.

Case in point: I’ve made mac’n'cheese with wine before. I’d like to believe it adds a touch of class.

If I add this classy Coors Light to an otherwise ordinary batch of mac’n'cheese, what will I end up with?

The results of my scientific testing? An explosion in my mouth. (Ugh, too easy. You know what I want to say here, but I’m not worthy. Not yet. Need more blog posts).

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Mac’n'Cheese’n'Beer

Fills a 9x12 baking dish...you figure out how many servings that is. For normal people.

Ingredients
-3 tbsp butter (about a half stick)
-3 tbsp white flour
-1 1/2 cups heavy cream
-1 1/2 cups beer (I used Coors Light.. obviously, the darker the beer, the more ‘beer-y’ your mac will be)
-2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
-2 cups mozzerella cheese, shredded
-1 cup *other* (I used a mixture of parmigiano-reggiano, pecorino romano, and provolone. Use what you want, but you want at least one strong cheese in there. You know…feet-scented cheese.)

-1lb tube-shaped pasta, like Ziti (I prefer Ziti to Penne because it doesn’t have ridges. Perfect for baking.)

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, return to pot, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, melt butter over medium-low heat. Add flour, stirring constantly, and cook for a minute or two. If the flour burns, start over–unless you don’t mind your mac’ tasting like burnt ass.
-Add heavy cream slowly, stirring constantly. Whisk away any lumps. Cook until mixture begins to *just* boil.
-Pour in beer, and cook until mixture boils. Cover pan and continue cooking for 10 minutes.

-Stir well, and turn heat down to low. Mix in cheese, and stir mixture until cheese is melted and heated through.


-Preheat the oven to 375°. Combine pasta with cheese mixture, and transfer to a greased baked dish.



Bake for 30-40 minutes. Let sit for at least 15 minutes–the beer will cook out and form a nice batter on top.

Note: Unlike regular mac'n'cheese, or baked ziti, this does NOT taste better the next day. The beer and cheese separates. If you decide to make this, come starving or don't come at all (what does that even mean?).

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Mac'n'Cheese'n'Beer" post.

Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side

They say that chicken soup is good for the soul. I’m sure that’s a load of crap, but as a Jets fan writing for the Buffalo Bills, my soul needed healing after we got our asses handed to us in Week 6. I guess my Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup really does work magic, since I guzzled it down last Thursday during the game (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!).

If your soul doesn't need healing (or you just don't have a soul), think of my soup as your winter survival meal, with way less side effects than the H1N1 shot. I mean, I think it's finally winter (although yesterday's 55 degree afternoon kind of confused me...gotta love global warming). Either way, freezing your ‘nads off in front of a grill is unnecessary. I mean, the grill can only warm them up so much, right?

So this Sunday, I'm advising you all to down a ‘liquid’ dinner while watching the big game. Much to your disappointment, this liquid dinner is not pertaining to alcohol. That’s right. My Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup is that good. You’ll feel intoxicated by its deliciousness.

(I won't be downing a liquid dinner this Sunday, because I'll be in Tampa watching the Jets brutally murder the Buccs. And if Tampa Bay's second win is in fact against the Jets, I will dive into a pot of scalding chicken soup and burn my skin off. And bring Sanchez with me. So I guess if this is my last post, you'll know why.)

Who am I kidding? We all know I’m an alcoholic. And we all know what I mean when I refer to a ‘liquid’ meal. I’ll be including my own personal Hot Toddy recipe at the bottom of this post, which is also guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (because it’s loaded with rum). Drink up, bitches!

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Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Makes 1 big-ass pot of soup

**I cooked my soup in a slow cooker for the entire day. If you don’t have one, just cook your soup in a large pot or DUTCH OVEN (haha) over low heat for about 3-4 hours.

Ingredients
-5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-5 stalks celery
-3 carrots
-1 garlic clove
-1 large yellow onion
-Garlic powder
-2 large chicken bouillion cubes (I used Knorr)
-Paprika
-Grated cheese, like Parmigiano-Reggiano (Optional)
-Salt & Pepper
-Egg noodles

Steps
-Peel and smash garlic clove. Rub the bottom and sides of your pot with the smashed clove (this will make your hands stink for about a week). You can either discard the clove or leave it in the bottom of the pot for added flavor. You know me, I don’t waste. I leave that bad boy in there for the whole 8 hours.
-Chop onions, celery stalks, and carrots, and place them in the bottom of your pot.


-Wash chicken thighs and cut off excess fat. (Judging from my photo, you can see I didn’t follow that rule very well. Gross, maybe. But fat tastes good. So whatever.) Place on top of vegetables.
-Cover everything with about 6 cups cold water. Add a dash or 2 of garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and a *heavy* dash of paprika. Paprika works magic in chicken soup, and gives it a nice color. Don’t worry about adjusting the seasonings right now–you can always do that at the end, when your chicken isn’t raw (nothing like a big ol’ spoonful of salmonella!). Drop in your bouillion cubes, cover your pan, and turn on your slow cooker (or, if using your stove top, turn the heat up to medium-low, and then down to a simmer once boiling).


-You’ll know your soup is ready when the chicken is not only cooked, but instantly shreds when barely touched with a fork. Break up the chicken and stir your soup, and adjust seasoning if necessary. I add a ton of paprika. Clear broth is ugly.
-Don’t worry if your broth looks “blotchy.” That’s the juices from the chicken combined with the all of the seasonings. Just stir it up before serving.
-Drop in egg noodles, or small pasta, such as Ditalini, and simmer in the soup until soft. Ladle into bowls, and top with grated cheese, if desired.

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Hot Toddy

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!


No picture…because I finished my drink before finishing this post. Jealous?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Chicken Noodle Soup" post.

Re: Putting sausage inside your taco

I still have a slight turkey hangover from Thanksgiving. I'll be adding a post on that shortly, but just keep that in mind while you read through this half-assed post.

My plans for this beautiful Sunday? Watching the Jets take on the Panthers (which, unlike last week's game, shouldn't be a complete embarassment), drinking (obviously), and putting up my ridiculously ghetto Christmas tree (while drinking, obviously). Also, I'll be listening to this on repeat.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m sure wherever you’re watching the game is a total sausage-fest. To acknowledge that, this will be my second week in a row of a sausage post. I guess you can say the Unemployed Chef eats a lot of sausage. That’s what she said. Or I said.

We can say this is a much belated Oktoberfest tribute, except this recipe is supposed to be Mexican. But it’s not German sausage. Or even Mexican. So I don’t know what it is. But it tastes good, and it’s easy (just like your mom).

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Sausage Tacos

Makes 4 tacos

Ingredients

-4 Taco Shells, or soft wraps (I used Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff), you know, the ones that are flat on the bottom. Because I wanted them to stand up. So I could take a lovely picture for you. Instead, when I opened the box, 8 out of the 10 shells were broken, and my taco fell apart immediately after its assembly. I’m not sure if they were stale, or if Old El Paso just all-around SUCKS. But be forewarned.)
-Shredded cheese (I used a mix of Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Asadero, and Queso Blanco)
-Shredded romaine or iceberg lettuce
-4 hot sausage links (I used Al Fresco Spicy Jalapeño Chicken Sausage…So good!)
-1 15.5 oz can black beans
-1 small yellow onion, diced
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper
-White rice
-Taco sauce, such as Ortega Thick & Smooth Taco Sauce. Or, instead of being a lazy bitch, you could make your own (See recipe below).
-Sour cream (Optional)
-Guacamole (Optional)

These are base ingredients. Use what you want. Prefer shredded chicken or ground beef over sausage? Go right ahead. Hate shredded lettuce? Leave it off, or add another green, like sauteed spinach. Like tomatoes or red peppers? Go for it. Sick of me asking/answering my own questions?

Yes, yes you are.

You can prepare the beans beforehand, and use any leftovers as a side dish with the rice.

This is apparently Taco Bell’s taco sauce recipe, or a clone of it. You know, because nothing screams “authentic Mexican” like Taco Bell.

Steps

-Rinse and drain beans. In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions to pan, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic to pan with onions, stirring until garlic is just starting to brown and your onions are starting to caramelize.

-Add beans to your onion and garlic mixture, and cook until beans are heated through and tender. Remove from heat and set aside.
-Prepare rice according to package instructions. (I mean, really, you need my assistance to cook rice?). Cover and set aside.
-Add a drop or 2 (about a tbsp, for you measurement freaks) of oil to a frying pan or skillet, and set to medium-high heat. Better yet, remove the beans/onion/garlic mixture from your pan, and use your already-deliciously-seasoned grease.
-Add sausage links, and cook for about 10-15 minutes, or until casing is browned on all sides.

-Remove sausage from pan, and cut into small dice.

Just a few of the toppings

-Assemble your taco as follows: Shell, rice, beans, sausage, lettuce, cheese, taco sauce, additional toppings. Or do whatever the hell you want. It’s a taco, not rocket science.

The bean-spillage was intentional. I think it gives the plate an artistic flair.

Like I said above, the taco didn’t hold up so well. That’s when I resorted to making a taco salad by breaking up the (already broken) shell. Ta-da!

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Sausage Tacos" post.

A final farewell to Staten Island...

So as you may recall from my last post, I lost the house I was supposed to be moving into, and then I lost my apartment. Lately, I've seen the back of more Uhaul trucks than...a truck-stop hooker who specializes in Uhaul trucks? Apparantly, I've lost even my knack for putting together a decent simile.

Anyway, The Homeless Chef has been without her computer for quite awhile. I'm back in Manhattan (for now), with an even smaller kitchen than I had before. Not even kidding. The refrigerator is in the living room.

It's only right that this post be written in memorium of my past year-and-a-half in Staten Island. Ah, Staten Island. What can I say? You've given me so many great memories. Being the vast Guido-haven that you are, I guess I was destined to live on you at some point in my life.

I spent my first unemployed days in this beautiful garbage-dump of a borough, with plenty of idle hours (since none of you assholes ever visited me) to wander around glamorous supermarkets, such as Key Foods. It was my privilege to pay top-dollar for shitty food (at least until I discovered that I could buy Mexican brands for half the price), and wait for hours in line while people attempted to pay with their food stamps and welfare checks.

And I learned to cook.

I mean, I've always cooked. But who has time (or energy) to prepare an extravagant, 3-course-meal after working allllll day? My unemployed days in Staten Island granted me endless hours to experiment with new foods, new recipes, and a new type of food blog. And the best part? I've received Unemployment through it all...and the same salary that I was making at my old job. Tough life.

Although I lived on the north shore of Staten Island (slightly different demographic), I wanted to honor the rest of "Staten Italy" with the ultimate Italian tailgating meal--Sausage & Peppers. It doesn't get more Eye-talian (or easy) than Sausage & Peppers. I think my mom made it for every "Culture Day" that I had in school. In order to transform this Italian staple into a "grillable, easy-to-eat-in-the-parking-lot-or-during-the-game" snack, I prepared this week's Sausage & Peppers "tailgate-style." That is, in a hot dog bun. Really, this shouldn't even qualify as a recipe. It's painful to even write out steps for this. This doesn't count as cooking. This is lame.

I just really wanted a reason to post this sweet Family Guy clip. Yes, another Family Guy clip. I think I can find a Family Guy clip that fits every one of my posts. I won't, because you'll grow tired of them, but for now...deal with it.

P.S.

I just joined Twitter. I'm not really sure how it works yet, but I discovered a few random followers of my blog were "tweeting" my posts (thanks, by the way!). So here I am.

If you read this, follow me here @Tess_T_Tweets

But don't actually follow me. I punch balls.

P.S.S.

As you might recognize, these pictures were taken in my old kitchen. AND I'm keeping my ugly green placemats just to piss off all the people who talked shit about them on Facebook! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

P.S.S.S.

I found your mom's favorite beverage:

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Italian Sausage & Peppers, Tailgate-Style

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 large yellow onion, chopped into 1-inch chunks
-2 peppers, chopped into 1-inch chunks (I used red and green. Guess I was feeling Christmas-y. I like using 2 different colors, but honestly, I just buy what's cheapest. And really, yellow peppers--I could care less if you're imported from Venezuela. You are not worth $3.99 a lb. Get over yourselves.)
-4 spicy Italian sausage links (You want them to be short and fat, not long and skinny. Like a choad.)
-4 hotdog rolls
-Olive oil

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), bring water to a boil. Once boiling, drop your sausages into the water, and boil for about 10 minutes. Remove from water, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet. Add onions, and cook for about 5 minutes, or until they are slightly softened.
-Throw peppers into the hot oil with the onions. Cook until the onions are translucent and caramelized, and the peppers are soft.


-With a slotted spoon, remove the onions and peppers from pan, and set aside.
-Keeping the burner on, add the reserved sausages to the hot oil. Fry on both sides until brown and crispy.


-Return onions and peppers to pan with sausages, cook for 1 minute.
-Place each sausage on a hotdog roll, cover with peppers and onions, and fuhgetaboutit (You know I had to at least once).

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read my latest post.

Turkey Got Back

I have so many excuses for delaying this blog post. Probably the biggest one is that I'm a lazy asshole. Because you don't want to hear them anyway, I'll list the rest of my excuses for you.

• A squirrel or something ate my cable line, and I lost both my internet and cable service. I hope that squirrel at least wrote up a recipe for that shit. Electrical cords, with a side of acorns. Sounds delicious! Bastards.
  
  
• It was, what, 70 degrees last week? In October? After 3 weeks of 40 degrees and rain? I could care less when my internet was repaired.
  
  
• I was mad at the world for the past 2 weeks. Some of that is explained in the next 2 bullets.
  
  
• As you might recall from this post (and my cute little rage-rant in this post), I was supposed to be moving. And getting a real kitchen. And a HOUSE. With actual living space. I could almost bear dealing with incompetant real estate agents and dickwad vendors (our mortgage guy was cool, so no insult for him) knowing that in the end, it would all be worth it. Except our sellers' agent dropped the ball completely (JEFF MARTIN BLOWS GOATS), and our appraiser (I'd shout out that bitch too if I knew his name) just straight up didn't do his job, so the sellers backed out. Which leads to my second bullet...
  
  
• So we already paid for a lot of things we can't get back. And you know how cheap I am, so that frustrates me to no end. Oh, and since we told our landlord we'd be out of our apartment by October 16th, she got a new tenant. The Unemployed Chef suddenly became The Homeless Chef. I guess, on the bright side, it adds to my trashy edge even more. At least there's no more worries of me"selling-out."
  
  
• For good measure, I'll also add that the Jets lost to the Bills last week. Really? As you may already know, I'm a tailgate blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, and I knew off the bat that last week's post would be a conflict of interest. But I didn't know I'd have to be the humble one. You can check out the post here.

For all of the reasons above, I feel like an ass. Which leads me to the following recipe... (Scroll down for ass references)

Yeah, burgers are perfect tailgate food. But you already know that. With all the Thanksgiving discounts and ads (it's not even November yet!), I started thinking...hmmm...Turkey Burger? But that makes me think of diets and "healthy" alternatives, and that makes me sad.

Well, if the Turkey Burger is huge, and covered in bacon, cheese, onions, and other masses of lard covered goodness....I guess that could be acceptable. And tailgate worthy.

That's where I came up with...

...the BIG-ASS Turkey Burger.

Don't worry. It's a lot of meat (or bird). And it really is a big-ass burger. But you'll be fine. I threw in lettuce and tomatoes, so that makes it a salad...right? That stops it from being a total heart attack....RIGHT?!

But really, don't worry. Or you'll sound like this.

Here's the best part--I don't even have a grill at the moment. How sad is that? So I thought I would be extra sophisticated and break out the George Foreman. We all know it's not a classy meal unless El Jorge is somehow involved.

Read on to see how you can bring a touch of class and elegance (and the best-tasting, least-healthy turkey burger you've ever tasted) to your homies before the game.

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Big-Ass Turkey Burger

Makes 2 big-ass burgers
Ingredients
-1 lb ground turkey meat
-4 slices swiss cheese
-5 scallions, green parts only, finely chopped
-1 small yellow onion, cut into small strips
-4 slices bacon
-1 beefsteak tomato
-2 kaiser rolls
-Romaine lettuce leaves, torn
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fry bacon in a frying pan or skillet until crisp. Remove from pan, lying on paper towels, and set aside. Be sure to reserve bacon grease in pan.
-Add chopped onion to hot bacon grease, and fry until caramelized (translucent and browned on the edges). Remove from pan, and set aside.


-Meanwhile, add ground turkey to a mixing bowl, and separate with hands. Season with salt, pepper, and chopped scallions, and mix thoroughly. You know, get all up in that bitch. Massage your meat!
-Before forming your turkey burgers, roll your ground turkey into two balls, or ass cheeks, as demonstrated below. This will make the meat easier to smash down into even, circular patties. It also allows you to take fun pictures, such as this one, or perhaps one with a cucumber in the middle for good measure.


-Plug in your George Foreman, and let it heat up. I know the George Foreman comes with something to collect the grease, so it doesn't splatter all over your kitchen, but I couldn't find it. So I used the top of a Chinese-takeout container. Crafty?


-Form your burger (you can only do 1 at a time on the Foreman...sorry), place on your "grill," and close. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side, or until the burger is cooked through. Obviously, the thicker the burger, the longer it will take.


-Meanwhile, preheat your oven for 250°. Place your (split) Kaiser roll on a metal oven tray, and pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the roll is just toasted.
-Remove rolls from the oven, and top with burger, and 2 slices swiss cheese. Pop back into the oven for 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Top with lettuce and a thick slice of tomato.

-Finish the burger off with 2 slices of bacon, and a nice pile of caramelized onions. There goes any connotation that this may actually be a healthy burger.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

You can read me latest post (which contains both the recipe above and my utter embarassment of the Jets loss) here.