Wake up and smell the... carbs/liquor.

AMERICA. The land of freedom, baseball, apple pie, obesity, and the Drunken Brunch. I don't get it. Europeans have mastered the art of the siesta, and serve alcohol at McDonald's, but dismiss the Drunken Brunch. Well, they'll catch up soon enough, since it seems that all trends make it there, eventually. Like in 2005, when I lived in Rome, and mullets were just starting to grace those sweet Italian heads.


Real photos:

Rome 2005

Barcelona, 2005

I threw in a Spanish mullet for good measure. I know the guy on the right is mull-free, but he's sexy so he stays.

But enough of that. Back to the drunken brunch. To me, there is nothing better in this world then stumbling out of bed at noon, only to return to bed an hour later in a carb/alcohol-induced coma.

Allow me to introduce my Drunken Brunch staple-- The Strata. Eggs, Bread, Cheese, Meat. A hint of veggies. Your whole day's food pyramid, shoved into one meal. And washed down (stay tuned) with some of the good stuff.

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Sausage, Onion, & Spinach Strata

Enough to serve 6-8 people. Even greedy bastards like me. It took me a week to finish the leftovers.

Ingredients
-8 eggs
-8 thick slices sourdough bread, cut into small cubes
-2 cups milk
-About 4-6 medium hot Italian sausage links, casings removed
-1 large or 2 medium Spanish onions, diced
-2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
-About 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
-Olive oil
-Dash of dry mustard
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Arrange bread cubes in a glass baking dish.


-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook until translucent. Remove from pan, and spread over bread cubes in a uniform layer.


-Using the same oil, crumble sausage into the hot frying pan, and cook until browned. Remove from pan, and layer on top of onions.


-Once again, add spinach leaves to the hot frying pan, and cook in the oil for a minute or so, stirring until leaves are wilted. Remove from pan, and layer on top of sausage.


-Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, cheese, salt and pepper. Pour mixture on top of the bread-onion-sausage-spinach pile. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.



-Before baking, remove your baking dish from the refrigerator, and allow to sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes.
-Bake at 350° for 1 hour.


(Allow Strata to sit for about 10-15 minutes before serving)

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And you didn't think I'd leave you without a little something to wash down your strata, did you? Most of my friends are fans of the Mimosa (O.J. + Champagne... Not Simpson... I feel the need to clarify because some of my readers are idiots). Yours truly, however, prefers the Bloody Mary. I find that very few people from my generation appreciate the Bloody Mary, or understand the wonders it does for hangovers (tomatoes' potassium + a "bite of the dog that bit ya").

I recently visited my friend Tambry in New Orleans, however, where locals understand the importance of starting your day with well-concocted Bloody Mary. (Then again, this is also a city that has drive through Daquiri stands).

I used to use tomato juice or V8 as my Bloody Mary's base, and avoid mixes at all costs. As you might remember from this post, your mom's libation of choice:

But Tambry turned me on to Pat O'briens Bloody Mary mix, with the New Orleans staple, a pickled green bean. F celery. Pickled greenbeans are where it's at. And maybe even a little hot pickled okra. Yum. I'm officially a fan.

New Orleans-Style Bloody Mary

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Pat O'Briens mix (or tomato juice/V8...don't worry, you're gonna spice that shizz up)

-Vodka

-Worcestershire sauce

-Lemon

-Pickled greenbeans

-Pickled okra

-Horseradish (optional)

....Really, steps for a drink?

Ugh, fine.

Steps

-Put ice in a glass.

-Pour a good amount of vodka over ice. (You know I hate measurements, and for drinks I really refuse. However much you can handle. How's that for an amount? Don't be a puss.)

-Pour Bloody Mary mix/tomato juice over vodka.

-Add a squeeze of lemon, a dash of Worcestershire, and a pinch of horseradish (if you like horseradish).
-Stir.
-Garnish (how fancy!) with a pickled green bean and/or okra pod.
-Come to the realization that alcohol can get you through your day far better than coffee or a crappy energy drink that looks/tastes like piss (not that I've tasted piss).
-Pass out after your 5th drink and form a new realization that perhaps alcohol is a better sedative than stimulant. You form this realization after you wake up with your friends taking turns giving you Arabian Goggles and photographing it.

Ya Down With A.D.D. (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)

So I meant to post this Friday, but then I got sidetracked. It's the story of my life. I have the attention span of my papito Dug from Up (see below).



While, clinically, it's probably A.D.D.; personally, it's just that you're not interesting enough to hold my attention. I mean, I once spent an entire day looking at different varieties of berries on Wikipedia (I'll be honest. I originally googled "dingleberries."), but usually, I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Some people find it to be endearing. It causes me to go off on tangents, supplying you with long, rambling blog posts. I mean, where else can you read about squash, douchy realtors, watermelon (stay tuned) and David Faustino's asshole on the same website? Well, maybe Google.com, but this is a close second.

So I spent July 4th weekend at Rusty's house, and left with 2 things--the motivation to start blogging again, and a watermelon. Like myself, Rusty enjoys a good manchowder joke, and dislikes wasting food. Combine that with my love of drunk blogging, and you get this:

Watermelon juice + vodka + ice = fine quality beverage

I'm so innovative.

Actually, this sucked. Maybe that's because I used Gordon's Vodka. Because nothing screams class/sophistication like a plastic bottle. You know how I do!

Anyhoozer, this blog is actually about pulled pork. I have no idea how to gracefully transition from watermelon to pork, and after a few Watermelontinis (sure, why not), I'm not going to try.

Unfortunately, "pulled pork" isn't another name for your peen post-masterbation. Fortunately, my version of pulled pork will give your dominant hand (for cooking, obviously) a rest, and allow you to rely entirely on your Slow Cooker. Seriously, even a slow cooker could figure out how to use a Slow Cooker.

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Pulled Pork with Homemade Barbecue Sauce

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-2 lbs pork shoulder, sliced about 1 inch thick
-2 cups ketchup
-1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
-1/4 cup brown sugar
-1 dash dry mustard
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Place pork slices in your slow cooker.

-Cover pork with the remaining ingredients.


-Cover, and cook on low for 6-8 hours, depending on the strength of your slow cooker. Mine is apparently the Hulk, since after even only a couple of hours my pot is scalding and spitting hot fluid (insert dirty joke here) out of the lid.
-Remove pork shoulder from slow cooker, and remove bones and excess fat (or don't) from the pork. Shred the remaining pork with a fork (poet and I don't know it perhaps?).

Look how bee-yoo-tee-full!
-Behold the beauty of your delicious, waiting-to-be-piled-on-split-Kaiser-rolls pulled pork.
-Eat up, Fatties!

PESTOvus for the Rest of Us

Seeing as I'm still being washed over by waves of esctasy from last night's game (Jets vs Chargers, 17-14. Holy shit.), it might seem like a strange time to deviate from my recent mass of tailgating recipes. But it's Monday. I mean, you can't eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, right?

(This is hard for me to type, seeing as I'm eating this for breakfast. Yeah, haha. But what makes you so sure I'm kidding?)

Ok, obviously, you can eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, so just ignore the rest of this blog. Check back in 2 days, when I promise to supply you with something greasy and fatty. Mmmmmm...

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Why are you still reading? Oh, your job sucks that much. They are making you work through MLK Day. Bastards! Clearly, your "dream" means nothing, or you'd be allowed to continue it, passed out in bed. Way to stick it to THE MAN! Keep reading!

If you're sitting on your computer, reading this on your day off, you're more of a loser than me. Just saying.

So anyway, Red Pesto. I'm sure most of you have tried (at least at some point in your life), the traditional green pesto sauce. Basil, pine nuts, and other crap. I usually make pesto and then mix it with cream cheese (Fat) before stirring it over ravioli (Fatter). But a "pesto" is anything that contains herbs and nuts (haha...nuts). For instance, I was forced to buy a giant bunch of mint leaves last Friday. I seriously needed like 3 mint leaves for this pea soup recipe (stay tuned), and all they had was this massive bunch for $2.99. WTF. You know I'd normally just rip off a few leaves and put them in my pocket, or mix them in with another green product in my cart (arugula, perhaps). But this Western Beef worker kept following me and trying to make conversation. Ugh. And he was really nice. He seriously followed me around the entire store. Which isn't saying much, because the store is in Manhattan, which means it's about 3 feet long (you wish!).

To make a long story short (or at least shorter), I bought the damned mint leaves, and raged all 10 blocks and 3 avenues back to my apartment. I decided to attempt a "Mint Pesto," because if I let the mint leaves rot, and spent $2.99 for just 3 leaves, I might kill myself. I would deserve it.

So basically, in a food processor, I puréed the entire batch of mint leaves with almonds, garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Not bad. And I poured the pesto into an (empty) ice cube tray, to freeze (in perfect portions) until later use.

Um, this post has nothing to do with Mint Pesto. But basically, I just wanted to share this story so you could be affirmed that I am awesome.

What this post does have to do with is Red Pesto. Here's a little idea I stole from Women's Health magazine (January 2008).

These photos were obviously taken before receiving the best Christmas gift ever--an 11 cup Cuisinart. (Thank you, Aunt Lorraine!) So bear with me while I take it back to the Stone Age with this historic blender.

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Red Pesto

Makes about 1 large Chinese-takeout soup container full of pesto

Ingredients
-4 to 6 Plum tomatoes
-Fresh bunch of basil (about 10 leaves)
-A handful of unsalted almonds
-2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350°. Spread almonds out on a baking sheet, and roast for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally to make sure they are browned on all sides.
-Cut tomatoes into quarters. Place in a food processor or blender. Add basil leaves, almonds, garlic, and red pepper flakes, and purée.

You'll notice how red this looks. That's because my almonds were still in the oven, so I hadn't yet added them to the blender. If your purée looks more like baby diarreah at this point, don't worry. You're on the right track.

-Keep the food processor/blender running, and slowly add about 1/4 cup olive oil to your purée.

-Taste, and season with salt and pepper, if needed. This is a no-cook sauce, so you can use this pesto on pasta/chicken/vegetables immediately, or you can store and refrigerate it, like this:

The pesto will only stay fresh for a few days in the refridgerator, so if you plan to store it for longer than that, I'd suggest freezing it. Like you read skipped over above, freezing pesto into ice cube trays works great.

-Before serving, mix with grated cheese. Here's a little Red Pesto over Penne, served to Shar-dé and Amanda when they came to check out the new crib. Since I made the pesto earlier that day, all I had to do was boil water. Less time in the kitchen = More time reminiscing about/mocking the losers who went to our high school.

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And since I had about half a container left over, I became really creative over the next week (I don't waste. Not because I feel bad about wasting food, but because I'm poor, and I insist on using every last scrap of leftovers).

My lunch: Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

(The BF said my Red Pesto reminded him of pizza sauce. Done.)

Makes 1 Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

Ingredients
-1 pita
-Red Pesto
-A handfull of spinach leaves (or arugula, or romaine, or whatever you have on hand)
-Thinly sliced or shredded cheese (I used swiss. It totally doesn't go with pizza, but that's what I had. It still tasted like heaven. I'd suggest mozzarella, though.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400°. Place pita on a baking sheet, and cover with a thin layer of Red Pesto. Bake for 2-3 minutes, until pita and pesto are warm.


-Top pita with a handful of spinach leaves, and several slices of cheese.


-Pop back in the oven for 5 minutes, or until pita is crisp, and cheese is melted and bubbly.

:::Bows:::