Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:




You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.


What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

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Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

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Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

PESTOvus for the Rest of Us

Seeing as I'm still being washed over by waves of esctasy from last night's game (Jets vs Chargers, 17-14. Holy shit.), it might seem like a strange time to deviate from my recent mass of tailgating recipes. But it's Monday. I mean, you can't eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, right?

(This is hard for me to type, seeing as I'm eating this for breakfast. Yeah, haha. But what makes you so sure I'm kidding?)

Ok, obviously, you can eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, so just ignore the rest of this blog. Check back in 2 days, when I promise to supply you with something greasy and fatty. Mmmmmm...

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Why are you still reading? Oh, your job sucks that much. They are making you work through MLK Day. Bastards! Clearly, your "dream" means nothing, or you'd be allowed to continue it, passed out in bed. Way to stick it to THE MAN! Keep reading!

If you're sitting on your computer, reading this on your day off, you're more of a loser than me. Just saying.

So anyway, Red Pesto. I'm sure most of you have tried (at least at some point in your life), the traditional green pesto sauce. Basil, pine nuts, and other crap. I usually make pesto and then mix it with cream cheese (Fat) before stirring it over ravioli (Fatter). But a "pesto" is anything that contains herbs and nuts (haha...nuts). For instance, I was forced to buy a giant bunch of mint leaves last Friday. I seriously needed like 3 mint leaves for this pea soup recipe (stay tuned), and all they had was this massive bunch for $2.99. WTF. You know I'd normally just rip off a few leaves and put them in my pocket, or mix them in with another green product in my cart (arugula, perhaps). But this Western Beef worker kept following me and trying to make conversation. Ugh. And he was really nice. He seriously followed me around the entire store. Which isn't saying much, because the store is in Manhattan, which means it's about 3 feet long (you wish!).

To make a long story short (or at least shorter), I bought the damned mint leaves, and raged all 10 blocks and 3 avenues back to my apartment. I decided to attempt a "Mint Pesto," because if I let the mint leaves rot, and spent $2.99 for just 3 leaves, I might kill myself. I would deserve it.

So basically, in a food processor, I puréed the entire batch of mint leaves with almonds, garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Not bad. And I poured the pesto into an (empty) ice cube tray, to freeze (in perfect portions) until later use.

Um, this post has nothing to do with Mint Pesto. But basically, I just wanted to share this story so you could be affirmed that I am awesome.

What this post does have to do with is Red Pesto. Here's a little idea I stole from Women's Health magazine (January 2008).

These photos were obviously taken before receiving the best Christmas gift ever--an 11 cup Cuisinart. (Thank you, Aunt Lorraine!) So bear with me while I take it back to the Stone Age with this historic blender.

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Red Pesto

Makes about 1 large Chinese-takeout soup container full of pesto

Ingredients
-4 to 6 Plum tomatoes
-Fresh bunch of basil (about 10 leaves)
-A handful of unsalted almonds
-2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350°. Spread almonds out on a baking sheet, and roast for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally to make sure they are browned on all sides.
-Cut tomatoes into quarters. Place in a food processor or blender. Add basil leaves, almonds, garlic, and red pepper flakes, and purée.

You'll notice how red this looks. That's because my almonds were still in the oven, so I hadn't yet added them to the blender. If your purée looks more like baby diarreah at this point, don't worry. You're on the right track.

-Keep the food processor/blender running, and slowly add about 1/4 cup olive oil to your purée.

-Taste, and season with salt and pepper, if needed. This is a no-cook sauce, so you can use this pesto on pasta/chicken/vegetables immediately, or you can store and refrigerate it, like this:

The pesto will only stay fresh for a few days in the refridgerator, so if you plan to store it for longer than that, I'd suggest freezing it. Like you read skipped over above, freezing pesto into ice cube trays works great.

-Before serving, mix with grated cheese. Here's a little Red Pesto over Penne, served to Shar-dé and Amanda when they came to check out the new crib. Since I made the pesto earlier that day, all I had to do was boil water. Less time in the kitchen = More time reminiscing about/mocking the losers who went to our high school.

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And since I had about half a container left over, I became really creative over the next week (I don't waste. Not because I feel bad about wasting food, but because I'm poor, and I insist on using every last scrap of leftovers).

My lunch: Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

(The BF said my Red Pesto reminded him of pizza sauce. Done.)

Makes 1 Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

Ingredients
-1 pita
-Red Pesto
-A handfull of spinach leaves (or arugula, or romaine, or whatever you have on hand)
-Thinly sliced or shredded cheese (I used swiss. It totally doesn't go with pizza, but that's what I had. It still tasted like heaven. I'd suggest mozzarella, though.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400°. Place pita on a baking sheet, and cover with a thin layer of Red Pesto. Bake for 2-3 minutes, until pita and pesto are warm.


-Top pita with a handful of spinach leaves, and several slices of cheese.


-Pop back in the oven for 5 minutes, or until pita is crisp, and cheese is melted and bubbly.

:::Bows:::

Re: Putting sausage inside your taco

I still have a slight turkey hangover from Thanksgiving. I'll be adding a post on that shortly, but just keep that in mind while you read through this half-assed post.

My plans for this beautiful Sunday? Watching the Jets take on the Panthers (which, unlike last week's game, shouldn't be a complete embarassment), drinking (obviously), and putting up my ridiculously ghetto Christmas tree (while drinking, obviously). Also, I'll be listening to this on repeat.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m sure wherever you’re watching the game is a total sausage-fest. To acknowledge that, this will be my second week in a row of a sausage post. I guess you can say the Unemployed Chef eats a lot of sausage. That’s what she said. Or I said.

We can say this is a much belated Oktoberfest tribute, except this recipe is supposed to be Mexican. But it’s not German sausage. Or even Mexican. So I don’t know what it is. But it tastes good, and it’s easy (just like your mom).

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Sausage Tacos

Makes 4 tacos

Ingredients

-4 Taco Shells, or soft wraps (I used Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff), you know, the ones that are flat on the bottom. Because I wanted them to stand up. So I could take a lovely picture for you. Instead, when I opened the box, 8 out of the 10 shells were broken, and my taco fell apart immediately after its assembly. I’m not sure if they were stale, or if Old El Paso just all-around SUCKS. But be forewarned.)
-Shredded cheese (I used a mix of Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Asadero, and Queso Blanco)
-Shredded romaine or iceberg lettuce
-4 hot sausage links (I used Al Fresco Spicy Jalapeño Chicken Sausage…So good!)
-1 15.5 oz can black beans
-1 small yellow onion, diced
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper
-White rice
-Taco sauce, such as Ortega Thick & Smooth Taco Sauce. Or, instead of being a lazy bitch, you could make your own (See recipe below).
-Sour cream (Optional)
-Guacamole (Optional)

These are base ingredients. Use what you want. Prefer shredded chicken or ground beef over sausage? Go right ahead. Hate shredded lettuce? Leave it off, or add another green, like sauteed spinach. Like tomatoes or red peppers? Go for it. Sick of me asking/answering my own questions?

Yes, yes you are.

You can prepare the beans beforehand, and use any leftovers as a side dish with the rice.

This is apparently Taco Bell’s taco sauce recipe, or a clone of it. You know, because nothing screams “authentic Mexican” like Taco Bell.

Steps

-Rinse and drain beans. In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions to pan, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic to pan with onions, stirring until garlic is just starting to brown and your onions are starting to caramelize.

-Add beans to your onion and garlic mixture, and cook until beans are heated through and tender. Remove from heat and set aside.
-Prepare rice according to package instructions. (I mean, really, you need my assistance to cook rice?). Cover and set aside.
-Add a drop or 2 (about a tbsp, for you measurement freaks) of oil to a frying pan or skillet, and set to medium-high heat. Better yet, remove the beans/onion/garlic mixture from your pan, and use your already-deliciously-seasoned grease.
-Add sausage links, and cook for about 10-15 minutes, or until casing is browned on all sides.

-Remove sausage from pan, and cut into small dice.

Just a few of the toppings

-Assemble your taco as follows: Shell, rice, beans, sausage, lettuce, cheese, taco sauce, additional toppings. Or do whatever the hell you want. It’s a taco, not rocket science.

The bean-spillage was intentional. I think it gives the plate an artistic flair.

Like I said above, the taco didn’t hold up so well. That’s when I resorted to making a taco salad by breaking up the (already broken) shell. Ta-da!

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Sausage Tacos" post.

DEATH to RAGU & PREGO!

I'm not even sure I should be blogging about this, because it's such a PASSIONATE and HEATED topic for me. Italian's are hot tempered as it is, but we boil over the topic of food. While I live in Staten Island now (properly dubbed as "Staten Italy"), I didn't grow up with many other Italians, and I am the furthest thing from a "guidette." But if I hear one more person exclaim, "I made spaghetti and meatballs last night!", and then make a reference to some middle-American, disgusting jar sauce, I might cry. Like seriously, tears. It breaks my heart.

I want to reply, "You made NOTHING! You boiled water for spaghetti, and poured store-bought garbage on top of it! SHAME!" I actually get flashblacks of watching Sandra Lee "make" her Kwanzaa Cake (please check out the video to get a sense of my heartbreak).

I think the height of my rage was at my former job. A fellow coworker, let's call him D (actually, that's what we all called him), would come in for lunch with dinner leftovers. One day, he was eating leftover spaghetti, and I overheard (my cubicle was located close to the cafeteria) him rave about the Ragu 'sauce' covering the poor, forsaken pasta. I immediately dashed over to the cafeteria (it was literally a foot away), and scolded him. He gave me a simple explanation. "I'm not Italian. I don't know the difference. Tastes good to me." Suddenly, it all made sense.

I immediately went home that night and whipped up 2 containers of sauce for him, and told him to "see if he tastes a difference." Actually, I think he purposely infuriated me to get free cooking. And it totally worked. Dammit.

Maybe if people realized how easy real, authentic Italian marinara sauce is to make, they would cut the shameful jar brands out of their lives for good. Maybe if they realized you can make a week's worth at a time, they would stop ripping my heart out and stomping on it.

Here is my recipe. I honestly don't think it should even count as a recipe, because growing up in my house, it's simply common sense. But here goes...

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Traditional Marinara Sauce

Makes 2 medium containers

Ingredients
16-oz tomato sauce (I used 2 8-oz cans)
28-oz crushed tomatoes (I used 1 large can)
16-oz diced tomatoes (Optional...depends if you like big tomato pieces in your sauce. If not, skip it)
Note: I used 1 medium can of Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes. This is my favorite brand. I've tried the Del Monte diced tomatoes (big up to Costco!) and they sucked major ass. You can actually make your own fire-roasted tomatoes by brushing small (grape, cherry, or plum) tomatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic powder, and roasting them in the oven until they explode (yea baby). I was lazy. I went with the can.
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 medium white onions, diced
Sugar, to taste
Red pepper flakes (optional)
Olive oil
Salt & pepper
Fresh basil (optional)
Note: For a meatsauce, simmer sauce with meatballs, panchetta, Italian sausage, etc. You can also create a fish sauce, simmering the sauce with shrimp, lobster tails, crab claws, etc. This is a base recipe, and very versatile. I used turkey meatballs in my most recent batch.

My arsenal

Steps
-Fill a deep pot or dutch oven (ha) with cans of tomato sauce, crushed tomatoes, and diced tomatoes. Simmer on low heat.
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil, and begin frying diced onions over medium high heat, stirring occasionally. (You might have to fry the onions in 2 separate batches. I did.) Season with salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

-When the onions are almost caramelized, add the minced garlic to your pan, and cook for about 3 minutes. The garlic will cook much quicker than the onions.
-Transfer onions and garlic to the sauce pot and continue to simmer for at least an hour.
-Taste your sauce constantly! This is the most important step in making an authentic marinara sauce. If the sauce tastes too acidic, add sugar. This counterbalances the tomatoes. Too bland? Add salt & pepper. Too mild? Add more red pepper flakes.
-At this point, if you are adding any meat, fish, vegetables, or herbs (such as fresh basil or parsley), do so now. Continue simmering until the meat/fish/veggies are cooked through, and until your sauce tastes delicious.
Note: I prefer making sauce the day before, because it always tastes better after all the flavors have time to meld together in the fridge.

You'll thank me later.

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The best part is, you can do so much with your leftovers. Baked ziti, chicken parm, polenta...the possibilities are endless. When I make marinara, I left to reserve a little extra to make Vodka Sauce. Penne alla Vodka is one of my favorite meals to order out, so it only makes sense to recreate it at home as often as possible.

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Vodka Sauce

Makes 1 container

Ingredients
-1 container Marinara Sauce
-1/2 cup vodka

-1/2-1 cup heavy cream

-Grated cheese (Asiago, Parmigiano-Reggiano, and Pecorino Romano all work well)

Steps

-Pour sauce into a blender, and "purée" until smooth.

-Pour puréed sauce into a frying pan or skillet. Simmer on low heat (it will start bubbling and splattering almost immediately).
-Add 1/2 cup vodka to your sauce, and simmer for approximately 20 minutes. Taste your sauce. If it tastes too vodka-y, it probably needs to simmer even more. You want both your sauce and your vodka to reduce in your pan.

-Before serving, began pouring in your heavy cream, and simmer until heated through. The more heavy cream you add, the lighter and creamier your sauce will be. I added about 3/4 of a cup.

-Add a handful or 2 of grated cheese, and stir until melted. Take sauce off of heat.

Can I get an "Amen?"