Cereal, chicken, & several inappropriate references to "starfishes"...

Here is another overdue post that I have to revise, seeing that 2 months later, half of my rambling no longer applies. More work for me, I guess. And you know how I feel about work...

Anyway, the Jets miraculously made it into the playoffs. (I do mean miraculously, because by some miracle, they beat the Colts. And by miracle, I mean the Colts pulled their entire starting lineup.) For Sunday's game against the Chargers, I’ve got a quick and easy (I’ll refrain from the mom jokes this week) TAILGATE-worthy recipe for you: Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips. Really, you don’t need chef skills, time, or money to make this (but it’s sooo good). Before I present you with the recipe, here’s a little background story that you’ll probably skip over.

If any of you have been to Manhattan, you’ll find that nothing in this city comes cheap (except for the free Staten Island ferry, but that leaves you in Staten Island, so I guess that’s the price you have to pay). As a full-time Unemployment Collector, braving the everyday New York prices are quite the struggle. Especially when it comes to grocery shopping. Especially when we are one of the few cities who don’t have Super Walmart (or any Walmart, for that matter).

Perhaps if I’ve never shopped outside of Manhattan, I wouldn’t know any better. But that is not the case. And if you think I’m going to spend $7.99 on a SMALL box of Frosted Flakes, you can kiss my starfish.

So naturally, I jumped for joy when I found a HUGE box of generic Shoprite Corn Flakes for $2.99 at my local Gristedes. Seriously, the box was bigger than my torso. Then I thought–perfect, my next tailgating meal! No, not a bowl of Corn Flakes, although that could work.

I then ventured into the meat aisle. $10.99 for chicken breasts covered in fat and veins, with an uncanny resemblance to Jocelyn Wildenstein’s skin? No, I refuse.

I actually broke down and checked out the Whole Foods in my area. I usually avoid places like this, because I’m a cheap bitch, but everything in Manhattan is so damn expensive anyway. Wow, compared to a shithole like Gristedes, this place was beautiful. Seriously, I almost made a mess in my pants in the produce aisle. That’s how much I loved this place. But let’s save that for another post…

Anyway, I found SEXY chicken breasts for $7.99. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of this, because I’m sure you could give two shits. But my chicken strips came out sooo good, and I’m not sure if it was from my amazingness, or the sexiness of the Whole Foods chicken. I guess you can try the recipe for yourselves, and let me know.

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Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-4 boneless & skinless chicken breasts, sliced into small strips
-2-3 cups white flour (or enough to fill a Ziplock bag)
-1-2 cups butter, melted
-3-4 cups Corn Flakes, crushed (Easy way to do this without scraping up your knuckles: Place inside a Ziplock bag, seal, and smash.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400° F. Pour melted butter into a small bowl, and place flour and crushed Corn Flakes into two separate Ziplock bags. You can also use those shallow, rectangular Chinese takeout containers, with the raised sides.



-Coat chicken strips with flour, butter, and crushed Corn Flakes, in that order. Arrange on a foil-lined baking sheet.


-Tent foil around the sides of the baking sheet so that it locks in juices, but does not cover the chicken completely. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through.


I think this ties in nicely to my “starfish” reference above, don’t you agree?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips" post.

Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side

They say that chicken soup is good for the soul. I’m sure that’s a load of crap, but as a Jets fan writing for the Buffalo Bills, my soul needed healing after we got our asses handed to us in Week 6. I guess my Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup really does work magic, since I guzzled it down last Thursday during the game (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!).

If your soul doesn't need healing (or you just don't have a soul), think of my soup as your winter survival meal, with way less side effects than the H1N1 shot. I mean, I think it's finally winter (although yesterday's 55 degree afternoon kind of confused me...gotta love global warming). Either way, freezing your ‘nads off in front of a grill is unnecessary. I mean, the grill can only warm them up so much, right?

So this Sunday, I'm advising you all to down a ‘liquid’ dinner while watching the big game. Much to your disappointment, this liquid dinner is not pertaining to alcohol. That’s right. My Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup is that good. You’ll feel intoxicated by its deliciousness.

(I won't be downing a liquid dinner this Sunday, because I'll be in Tampa watching the Jets brutally murder the Buccs. And if Tampa Bay's second win is in fact against the Jets, I will dive into a pot of scalding chicken soup and burn my skin off. And bring Sanchez with me. So I guess if this is my last post, you'll know why.)

Who am I kidding? We all know I’m an alcoholic. And we all know what I mean when I refer to a ‘liquid’ meal. I’ll be including my own personal Hot Toddy recipe at the bottom of this post, which is also guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (because it’s loaded with rum). Drink up, bitches!

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Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Makes 1 big-ass pot of soup

**I cooked my soup in a slow cooker for the entire day. If you don’t have one, just cook your soup in a large pot or DUTCH OVEN (haha) over low heat for about 3-4 hours.

Ingredients
-5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-5 stalks celery
-3 carrots
-1 garlic clove
-1 large yellow onion
-Garlic powder
-2 large chicken bouillion cubes (I used Knorr)
-Paprika
-Grated cheese, like Parmigiano-Reggiano (Optional)
-Salt & Pepper
-Egg noodles

Steps
-Peel and smash garlic clove. Rub the bottom and sides of your pot with the smashed clove (this will make your hands stink for about a week). You can either discard the clove or leave it in the bottom of the pot for added flavor. You know me, I don’t waste. I leave that bad boy in there for the whole 8 hours.
-Chop onions, celery stalks, and carrots, and place them in the bottom of your pot.


-Wash chicken thighs and cut off excess fat. (Judging from my photo, you can see I didn’t follow that rule very well. Gross, maybe. But fat tastes good. So whatever.) Place on top of vegetables.
-Cover everything with about 6 cups cold water. Add a dash or 2 of garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and a *heavy* dash of paprika. Paprika works magic in chicken soup, and gives it a nice color. Don’t worry about adjusting the seasonings right now–you can always do that at the end, when your chicken isn’t raw (nothing like a big ol’ spoonful of salmonella!). Drop in your bouillion cubes, cover your pan, and turn on your slow cooker (or, if using your stove top, turn the heat up to medium-low, and then down to a simmer once boiling).


-You’ll know your soup is ready when the chicken is not only cooked, but instantly shreds when barely touched with a fork. Break up the chicken and stir your soup, and adjust seasoning if necessary. I add a ton of paprika. Clear broth is ugly.
-Don’t worry if your broth looks “blotchy.” That’s the juices from the chicken combined with the all of the seasonings. Just stir it up before serving.
-Drop in egg noodles, or small pasta, such as Ditalini, and simmer in the soup until soft. Ladle into bowls, and top with grated cheese, if desired.

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Hot Toddy

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!


No picture…because I finished my drink before finishing this post. Jealous?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Chicken Noodle Soup" post.

Up your butt, Jobu.

As I mentioned about a week ago, the Unemployed Chef is making major moves. Moves that may actually earn me a real kitchen. With counter space. With cupboards. Hey, you fantasize about threesomes; I fantasize about cutting boards and spice racks. I'm easy to excite, I guess.

Of course, nothing good comes easily. Consider this "big move" to be an upscale, overpriced meal (although this economy cuts a slight discount), served with a complimentary side of stress, annoyance, and the urge to go on a mass shooting spree. I have a very low tolerance for douchebags, paperwork, and incompetent people--and I'm up to my chin in all three at the moment. But I've mastered the perfect way to swim through this douchy trio. It's called "massive amounts of alcohol for breakfast."

For those who can't handle their liquor (pathetic), I've also perfected the art of using food as an explicit metaphor. Telling someone to "shove it up their ass" is weak. Physically shoving something up an anal cavity? Now that's making a statement.

I know this poor, helpless chicken isn't to blame, but a girl can dream, can't she?

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Beer Butt Chicken

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 whole roasting chicken (I doubled up... so that would be... 2 roasting chickens? I was never good at math.)
-1 (12 ounce) can of beer (Any beer works... I used Budweiser)
-Poultry seasoning of your choice (I used Mrs. Dash Southwest Chipotle Seasoning Blend on one chicken, and Mrs. Dash Garlic & Herb Seasoning Blend on the other. The Southwest Chipotle kicks ass.) If you don't feel like buying poultry seasoning, you can make your own dry rub easily with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika.

Steps
-Wash chickens thoroughly and remove insides (gizzards, heart, liver...all that good stuff). I don't care what you do with them, but in this recipe, your chicken has no internal organs. Your chicken is an alcoholic. It's insides are beer.
-Cover chicken skins generously with poultry seasoning, rubbing the seasoning into its inside and all of its crevices (yeah baby).



-Preheat your grill to medium heat.
-Here's the fun part: Open your beer, and chug half of it. Be sure to have more beer on hand. Since you have no self control, you'll probably down the entire thing. In that case, open another can of beer, and chug half of it.
-Hold the half-empty (or is it half-full? No, half-empty--I'm pessimistic) beer can right-side-up, and hold the chicken's "opening" open. As you can see, you might need an extra hand or 2.
-I'm trying to find a tasteful way to write this next step, but I can't. Shove your beer can up the chicken's ass.


-Keeping the beer can (and the chicken) right side up, place your drunken slut of a chicken on the grill.


-Cook chicken for a good 3 hours. Remove beer can, and serve. The skin should be crispy, and the insides should be moist (I believe that warrants another "yeah baby") from all of the evaporated beer.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! The Beer Butt Chicken recipe above was originally featured here.

Football season is finally here!

Watching the Jets assassinate the Texans just feels sweeter over a giant bowl of chili and an ice cold beer...several ice cold beers.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to pig out on fried chicken, ribs, dips, and anything you can put on a grill.

But I'm sure you'll be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love tailgating foods. You'll have to stay tuned for my chili recipe (sit and wait BITCH!), but hopefully this will keep you salivating in the meantime:

Buffalo Hot Wings on the...Grill?

I know, I know—Buffalo Wings are meant for the deep fryer. So WTF is this grilled crap? Am I actually trying to make wings healthy? Sacrilege!

Truth be told, grilled wings are actually pretty freakin’ awesome. Yeah, they’re a little less fatty, but that’s why you wash them down with 5 gallons of beer. Health problem solved.

And for my male readers (I know a bunch of you closet kitchen-bitches read this!), grilling is the epitome of manliness.

Warning: These babies take about an hour to grill, and require a lot of attention. But I stood in front of the grill in 100+ degrees in the middle of the desert to make these. So SUCK IT UP.

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Grilled Buffalo Hot Wings

Ingredients
-3 pounds chicken wings/drumsticks
-1 bottle (12 fluid ounce) hot sauce (I used Frank’s RedHot Buffalo Wings Sauce…mmm.)
-1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle Coca-Cola or Pepsi (or RC…you cheap bastard.)
-1 tbsp soy sauce
-Dash of cayenne pepper (The more you add, the hotter your wings will be… Don’t be a little bitch.)

Steps
-In a disposable pan (or a pan you don’t mind destroying on your grill), mix hot sauce, soda, soy sauce, and cayenne pepper. Add wings, and toss to coat.
-Preheat your grill to medium heat. Place your pan off to one side of the grill, and let your hot sauce/soda/soy/cayenne mixture come to a simmer. (Bubbles…look for bubbles.)


Oh, and I wasn't lying about grilling out in the desert.

-Once your pan mixture is poppin’ bub-a-lee (90's rap reference HOLLLLLA!), use your grill tongs to take the wings out of the sauce mixture and place them directly on the grill. If there’s not enough room, leave half of them in the pan. Grill for 5 minutes, flip over, and grill for another 5.

Half the wings go on the grill. 5 minutes, flip...
...and then another 5 minutes.
-Return grilled wings to pan, and simmer for another 10 minutes. If you still have half your wings in the pan, now’s the time to grill up those bad boys.

SWITCH!
-Repeat this tedious process for about an hour, or until the wings are done to your liking (I prefer crispy skin, with the chicken falling off the bone). It took me 6 processes, grilling half of the wings at a time. So, each half-batch of wings was grilled 3 times for 10 minutes, and simmered 3 times for 10 minutes. Are you completely confused yet?
-For superhot, it’s-gonna-burn-to-go-to-the-bathroom wings, dip finished wings back in your sauce mixture before serving. For medium-hot wings, serve them straight off the grill (pansy).

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BONUS!

Be sure to check out the following website, which just went live this morning:

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! You can check out my first post here.

Thanks for your support!

Merry Moroccan Christmas to all my Ho Ho HOEZ!

Listen, I've been busy. Unemployment is a full-time job.

But I'm never too busy to throw a dope recipe your way.

The inspiration for this dish was Season 10, Episode 5 of The Office: "Moroccan Christmas." If you don't watch The Office, this will mean nothing to you (Then again, if you don't watch The Office, you mean nothing to me--who doesn't watch The Office?).
To quote Phyllis (and who wouldn't want to quote her--look how sexy she is):

"This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate."

Lucious Phyllis. Knit away, boo.

I believe this somehow ties into my chicken dish.

Actually, this holds no relevence at all, because I didn't invent this dish and it's most likely not even Moroccan.

I'm embarassed to admit this to you, readers, but this is actually a 'modified' Rachael Ray recipe. Blasphemy! I know, I know. I'm sorry. But at least it gives me an excuse to post this:

6 minutes and 45 seconds of Rachael Ray farting--ENJOY!

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Moraccan Chicken Thighs and Couscous

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-About 5 or 6 pieces boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-1 box couscous (I used Near East's Toasted Pine Nut)
-2 medium yellow onions
-4 cloves garlic
-2 lemons
-2 1/2 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods, of course)
-2 tbsp paprika
-2 tsp turmeric powder
-2 tsp cumin
-Dash of cinnamon
-1 cup green olives, pitted or with pimentos
-Olive oil
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Dice onions, finely chop garlic cloves, and thinly slice 1 lemon. Set aside.
-Wash and cut chicken thighs into smaller pieces (you should be halving the thighs, or cutting each into thirds).
-Heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. In a small bowl, mix paprika, turmeric powder, cumin, and cinnamon.
-Drop chicken pieces into the spice mixture, and add to the hot oil. Fry chicken for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove chicken from pan, cover, and set aside.

-Keeping your flame on medium high, add the onions, garlic, and lemon slices to the heated oil. Some of the spices should have soaked into the oil, giving everything a sexy yellow color. Usually when I'm cooking, my boyfriend will walk in and say something along the lines of, "Mmmmmm smells good." This meal envoked this: "The house reeks of B.O." Don't worry--that just means you're on the right track.


-Cook your onions, garlic, and lemons for about 10 minutes, until the onions are soft and translucent. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, to taste.
-At this point, you can start preparing your couscous as according to their packaging's directions.
-Add your reserved chicken back to your pan, with the onions, garlic, and lemon. Add chicken stock and juice of 1 lemon, and cover. Simmer over low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until chicken pieces are cooked through.

Yeah, this looks like crap, but so does chili. And you like chili, right?

-Remove pan from heat, and stir in your olives. Your couscous should be ready at the same time (Aren't you glad I told you to start preparing that shit? Now nothing has to sit and get cold. You're welcome.)
-Pour broth over chicken and couscous, and serve.

Mmmmmm. Or as Rachael Ray would say, "Vrrrrrrrrrt!"

Another meaningless post of my sarcastic & bitchy ramblings...with a few recipes thrown in

I believe two posts ago I told you "I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes." And then I gave you, what, one recipe? 8 days ago? COLD.

I feel like lying on the couch (pantless, of course) and watching Top Chef Masters' repeats right now, but I feel guilted into leaving you at least *one* recipe before I go away AGAIN for the weekend. Precious? You know the Unemployed Chef got mad love for ya.

To be honest, I really did plan on gracing you bitches with a bunch of recipes, but I made a lot of repeated dishes. Or dishes so simple, I didn't think they required a recipe. (Or maybe they do... Because if you're trusting me with your dinner plans, you probably can't cook for shit.) I basically used everything I had in my house, mixed with pasta or rice. You know, gotta avoid Pathmark at all costs. Unemployed Chef = broke.

Here's what went directly to my thighs this week. I'm too lazy to list the recipes, but I'll tell you the ingredients and assume you can figure it out for yourself. Please don't prove me wrong with your high levels of stupidity. Work with me here.

PS: I also made a giant batch of Pasta Fagioli (Pasta Fa-zool!) for the BF, but you aren't worthy of witnessing it's sexiness. Not yet, at least. These things take time. I guess you'll just have to keep following my blog...


Penne Aglio e Olio (Garlic, oil, & red pepper flakes) + tomatoes + mushrooms


Coconut-Curry Battered Chicken over Rice
(I wasn't crazy about this, so I won't elaborate. It wasn't bad, it was just.... I guess I'm tired of chicken. OK, I'll keep it real... It sucked.)

Sautéed Flounder + Tomatoes + Mushrooms with Toasted Pinenut Couscous

Farfalle Pasta simmered in Chicken Stock + Garlic + Red Pepper Flakes + Cannellini Beans + Onions + Shredded Asiago Cheese

Spinach Salad + Strawberries + Battered Baked Chicken + Hard Boiled Egg Whites + Gorgonzola Cheese + Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette

Awww, fine, keep whining. Now I feel guilty. And I'm no stranger to classic Italian/Catholic guilt. I'll give you one actual recipe before I leave.

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Chili-rubbed Cod with Seasoned Acini di Pepe

Makes 2 servings... with lots of Acini di Pepe leftover

Ingredients

Chili-rubbed Cod:

-2 Cod filets

-Chili powder, to taste

-A dash of paprika

-Olive oil

Seasoned Acini de Pepe:

-1 lb acini de pepe pasta (the original recipe called for Israeli Couscous... but I can't find them anywhere. Same shit. I also made this with orzo and it kicked ass.)

-Olive oil (2-3 tbsp)

-A *big squeeze* of lemon juice (3-4 tbsp)

-1 tsp sugar

-1 tsp soy sauce

-1/2 cup chopped scallions

-A *sprinkle* of chopped parsley (1 tbsp)

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over high heat. (A grill would be even better. Unfortunately, our BBQ got disgusting after being left out in the yard during the winter. Would you like some grilled rust perhaps?)

-Season cod filets with a generous rub of chili powder. Sprinkle on some paprika for color, and rub into the filets.

-Add the filets to the searing oil, and step back (unless you enjoy being scalded by flying hot oil...kinky). Fry for 2 minutes per side, to make a nice crust. Lower the heat to medium, and continue cooking the filets for about 5 minutes per side, or until they're cooked through.

-Meanwhile, prepare acini de pepe as described on box. Drain, and transfer to a large bowl. In a smaller bowl, combine olive oil, soy sauce, sugar, and lemon juice. Slowly pour into the acini de pepe, mixing and checking for taste. Adjust seasonings if necessary. Add scallions and parsley into the acini de pepe, and mix. Season with salt and pepper. Almost too easy.

Word.

Because the Costco tomatoes are still fresh.

4th of July weekend. A weekend in the Poconos full of hamburgers, hotdogs, and... rice and beans. Not exactly all-American, but I never complain about delicious Puerto Rican food (and I gotz da recipe, so stay tuned).

I returned Sunday night to my ugly kitchen to discover the Costco grape tomatoes are still fresh! Things like this excite me, for several reasons.

1. I don't have to spend more money on food.
2. I didn't waste money buying a jumbo crate of grape tomatoes. (Click here or here to remind yourself of their sexiness)
3. I have no life.

Combine that excitement with the bag of Costco tilapia filets chillin' in my freezer, and you've got yourself...

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Braised Tilapia with Grape Tomatoes & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 tilapia filets
-Grape tomatoes (about 2 handfuls), halved lengthwise
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods... It makes a difference, trust. And if you buy it from Costco it's cheaper than Campbell's!)
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. At this point, your house should smell like B.O.--delicious!
-Add your halved tomatoes to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer tomato & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your tilapia filets with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Place filets in the hot oil, frying each side for 2 minutes.
-Pour your reserved tomato & onion mixture on top of the filets, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan (I just use tin foil, 'cause I'm fly like that), and turn heat down to a simmer.


-Simmer for 10 minutes, flipping the filets halfway through to ensure even cooking.

Ta-da!

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This recipe is much easier than it sounds (and it sounds pretty fancy, no?) You can seriously "braise" anything (even humans, although I hear the meat isn't that tender). Here's another meal I made swapping the tilapia filets for chicken breasts (also from Costco--I swear they aren't paying me), and the grape tomatoes (they finally ran out) for baby bello mushrooms.

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Braised Chicken Breasts with Baby Bello Mushrooms & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Baby bello mushrooms, sliced (about 2 handfulls)
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Do you really need me to repeat the entire recipe, substituting "baby bello mushrooms" for "grape tomatoes," and "chicken breasts" for "tilapia filets?" Ok, fine, you needy bastard.

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. (Repeat B.O. joke here)
-Add your sliced baby bello mushrooms to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer mushroom & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your chicken breasts with garlic powder, salt, and pepper.
-Place breasts in the hot oil (sounds kinky), frying each side for about 3-4 minutes. If you're using chicken cutlets, a minute or 2 per side should be fine.

-Pour your reserved mushroom & onion mixture on top of the breasts, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan, and turn heat down to a simmer.

-Simmer for 10-15 minutes, flipping the breasts halfway through to ensure even cooking.

HELL YEA.

Because I really do have that much time on my hands.

Ahhh, the joys of finally finding a career you love. And by career, I mean... living off the government while I experiment with food all day.

Allow me to introduce myself. I go by the name of Tess Tickle, the Unemployed Chef. After getting laid off on October 31st, 2008 (Happy F'in Halloween!) from a printing company which made me want to put a bullet inside my head daily (I shall remain nameless), I've revelled in the idea of getting paid to do nothing.

But I don't really do nothing. I cook. Constantly. I spend my morning hours scouring food sites, tearing recipes out of magazines (which my boyfriend finds annoying when he later tries to read them on the can), making shopping lists, and preparing dinner. And I enjoy it.

Before you attempt to recreate any of the recipes I have listed on this blog, there are a few things of which you should be made aware:

• I'm incredibly sarcastic. If you have no sense of humor or take everything literally, click out of my blog. Immediately.
  
• I'm a bored, unemployed Italian girl in Staten Island. I'm not Martha Stewart, in case you had us confused.
  
• I don't do "measurements." A *handfull* of this, a *pinch* of that, a *dash* of...it's not that hard. Unless you're 7'2 with gigantic hands. In that case, you might want to scale back a bit.
  
• My kitchen is small and ugly and almost too embarassing to photograph. Almost.
  
• I love Costco, and buy in bulk, even though I have nowhere to put anything. Therefore, lots of recipes will have repetitive ingredients, especially if it's something that's perishable and needs to be used up right away. If you're broke like me, you should benefit from this, too. No food shopping for a week! Sweet!
  
• Most importantly, serving size. I come from a household where a giant dish of pasta is not a meal...it's a side. I now cook for my massive Norwegian boyfriend, who also lacks any perception of portion control. 2 servings probably equals 6 servings in normal cultures. Keep this is mind.
  
  

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Ok, now for the good shizz.... food. Like I said above, I buy in bulk, so this week's meals are going to revolve around the few following ingredients.

-Grape tomatoes

This container is half empty, too... peep these bad boys.

-Asparagus
-Roasted red peppers (store-bought... unless you want to make your own, which is even better)
-Baby red potatoes
-Boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Low sodium chicken broth (try Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods. It's only about 10 bucks at Costco for 6 32-0z cartons, and it's sooo much better than Campbell's!)
-Frozen talapia fillets
-Frozen cod fillets

And here are a few things I always have in my kitchen:

-Fresh garlic
-Olive oil
-Balsamic vinegar
-Wine (lush)
-Some type of cheese
-Red pepper flakes
-Good ol' salt & pepper

Which leads to tonight's recipe...

Oven-roasted Asparagus, Breaded Chicken Strips, and Roasted Potatoes with Roasted Red Pepper Purée

Makes 2 Servings (I'm warning you... read above... we eat like animals.)

Ingredients

Oven Roasted Asparagus:

-2 handfuls of asparagus stalks
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder (You know I love real garlic, but it will burn too quickly in this recipe)
-Salt & Pepper, to taste

Breaded Chicken Strips:
-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Italian-style breadcrumbs (4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs work well)
-1 egg
-Olive oil
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano do the trick)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Potatoes
-About 10 baby red potatoes
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder
-Chives (fresh or dried)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Red Pepper Purée
-12 oz roasted red peppers (1 small jar, half a large jar)
-Olive oil (noticing a trend?)
-1 clove garlic
-Red wine (red wine vinegar works fine, as well)
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Salt & Pepper

Steps

-The potatoes will take the longest, so I always prepare them first. Thoroughly wash the potatoes (you'll be keeping the skins on), and cut them in half. Place them in a large baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, and sprinkle with garlic powder, chives, and salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for 40-60 minutes at 400° F, or until fork tender.
Tip: Remove the pan from the oven every 10-15 minutes and give the potatoes a stir to ensure even cooking.
-The asparagus will be prepared almost the exact same way, though they cook in less than half the amount of time. Place the asparagus stalks in another baking pan, drizzling with garlic powder, salt and pepper. This can be placed in the oven at the same temperature for 20 minutes, or until fork tender. The 10-minute-stir tip also works out here quite nicely.
-Coat a nonstick or stainless steel pan with olive oil, and place on the stove over high heat.
-Set aside 2 large bowls. Crack an egg into one, whisking until smooth. Fill the second bowl with breadcrumbs, seasoning with salt, pepper, and grated cheese.

-Slice raw chicken breasts into narrow strips. Drop each strip into the whisked egg, followed by the bowl of breadcrumbs. Once the strip is fully coated with breadcrumbs, drop into the hot oiled pan.


Tip: The chicken strips will cook quickly. A few minutes on each side, especially over a high flame, should be enough. If you're unsure, cut into the center of the thickest chicken strip, and make sure it's not still pink.


-Arrange roasted asparagus, breaded chicken strips, and roasted potatoes on a dish. Drizzle with roasted red pepper purée (see below).

Roasted Red Pepper Purée

-Place roasted red peppers in a blender.
-Add garlic clove, 2 tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp red wine, a dash of cumin, and a dash of cayenne (or more, depending on how much spice you like) on top of the peppers. Add salt & pepper.
-Cover and purée until smooth. It literally took me 5 seconds, but then again, my blender is awesome.
Tip: Store leftover purée in a airtight container and keep refrigerated for future meals. To keep purée from trying out, drizzle a little olive oil on top of the leftovers.

Eat up, bitch!