Sausagefest: Part II

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:


Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:


You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.


Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

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Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).


-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.


-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.


-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.

Wake up and smell the... carbs/liquor.

AMERICA. The land of freedom, baseball, apple pie, obesity, and the Drunken Brunch. I don't get it. Europeans have mastered the art of the siesta, and serve alcohol at McDonald's, but dismiss the Drunken Brunch. Well, they'll catch up soon enough, since it seems that all trends make it there, eventually. Like in 2005, when I lived in Rome, and mullets were just starting to grace those sweet Italian heads.


Real photos:

Rome 2005

Barcelona, 2005

I threw in a Spanish mullet for good measure. I know the guy on the right is mull-free, but he's sexy so he stays.

But enough of that. Back to the drunken brunch. To me, there is nothing better in this world then stumbling out of bed at noon, only to return to bed an hour later in a carb/alcohol-induced coma.

Allow me to introduce my Drunken Brunch staple-- The Strata. Eggs, Bread, Cheese, Meat. A hint of veggies. Your whole day's food pyramid, shoved into one meal. And washed down (stay tuned) with some of the good stuff.

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Sausage, Onion, & Spinach Strata

Enough to serve 6-8 people. Even greedy bastards like me. It took me a week to finish the leftovers.

Ingredients
-8 eggs
-8 thick slices sourdough bread, cut into small cubes
-2 cups milk
-About 4-6 medium hot Italian sausage links, casings removed
-1 large or 2 medium Spanish onions, diced
-2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
-About 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
-Olive oil
-Dash of dry mustard
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Arrange bread cubes in a glass baking dish.


-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook until translucent. Remove from pan, and spread over bread cubes in a uniform layer.


-Using the same oil, crumble sausage into the hot frying pan, and cook until browned. Remove from pan, and layer on top of onions.


-Once again, add spinach leaves to the hot frying pan, and cook in the oil for a minute or so, stirring until leaves are wilted. Remove from pan, and layer on top of sausage.


-Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, cheese, salt and pepper. Pour mixture on top of the bread-onion-sausage-spinach pile. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.



-Before baking, remove your baking dish from the refrigerator, and allow to sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes.
-Bake at 350° for 1 hour.


(Allow Strata to sit for about 10-15 minutes before serving)

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And you didn't think I'd leave you without a little something to wash down your strata, did you? Most of my friends are fans of the Mimosa (O.J. + Champagne... Not Simpson... I feel the need to clarify because some of my readers are idiots). Yours truly, however, prefers the Bloody Mary. I find that very few people from my generation appreciate the Bloody Mary, or understand the wonders it does for hangovers (tomatoes' potassium + a "bite of the dog that bit ya").

I recently visited my friend Tambry in New Orleans, however, where locals understand the importance of starting your day with well-concocted Bloody Mary. (Then again, this is also a city that has drive through Daquiri stands).

I used to use tomato juice or V8 as my Bloody Mary's base, and avoid mixes at all costs. As you might remember from this post, your mom's libation of choice:

But Tambry turned me on to Pat O'briens Bloody Mary mix, with the New Orleans staple, a pickled green bean. F celery. Pickled greenbeans are where it's at. And maybe even a little hot pickled okra. Yum. I'm officially a fan.

New Orleans-Style Bloody Mary

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Pat O'Briens mix (or tomato juice/V8...don't worry, you're gonna spice that shizz up)

-Vodka

-Worcestershire sauce

-Lemon

-Pickled greenbeans

-Pickled okra

-Horseradish (optional)

....Really, steps for a drink?

Ugh, fine.

Steps

-Put ice in a glass.

-Pour a good amount of vodka over ice. (You know I hate measurements, and for drinks I really refuse. However much you can handle. How's that for an amount? Don't be a puss.)

-Pour Bloody Mary mix/tomato juice over vodka.

-Add a squeeze of lemon, a dash of Worcestershire, and a pinch of horseradish (if you like horseradish).
-Stir.
-Garnish (how fancy!) with a pickled green bean and/or okra pod.
-Come to the realization that alcohol can get you through your day far better than coffee or a crappy energy drink that looks/tastes like piss (not that I've tasted piss).
-Pass out after your 5th drink and form a new realization that perhaps alcohol is a better sedative than stimulant. You form this realization after you wake up with your friends taking turns giving you Arabian Goggles and photographing it.

Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:




You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.


What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

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Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

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Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

Mac, Cheese, & Beer: A Harmonious Threesome

New Year’s Resolution #1: Blog more.

Seriously, why have I been such a d-bag? Last post--December 10, 2009? W.T.F.

No excuses. I won’t even try. But here’s a little recap info, since you missed me so much. (Seriously, how did you even get through the holiday season without me? It must have been really lame. You are so STRONG! SO BRAVE!)

As you might have already read about 3 weeks ago in my Buffalo Sports Daily post, the Unemployed Chef had found yet another way to live off the system. Focus Groups. (For those of you who live outside a major city and never had the pleasure to attend a focus group/have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out. But, put simply, focus groups are when marketing companies pay you lots of money to rape you of your ideas for an hour.)

So now I’m taking advantage of marketing agencies, along with the government. Anyway, a few weeks back I was sitting in an hour-long focus group (for $125) in which the topic was Science, so I had been feeling a little experimental.

Case in point: I’ve made mac’n'cheese with wine before. I’d like to believe it adds a touch of class.

If I add this classy Coors Light to an otherwise ordinary batch of mac’n'cheese, what will I end up with?

The results of my scientific testing? An explosion in my mouth. (Ugh, too easy. You know what I want to say here, but I’m not worthy. Not yet. Need more blog posts).

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Mac’n'Cheese’n'Beer

Fills a 9x12 baking dish...you figure out how many servings that is. For normal people.

Ingredients
-3 tbsp butter (about a half stick)
-3 tbsp white flour
-1 1/2 cups heavy cream
-1 1/2 cups beer (I used Coors Light.. obviously, the darker the beer, the more ‘beer-y’ your mac will be)
-2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
-2 cups mozzerella cheese, shredded
-1 cup *other* (I used a mixture of parmigiano-reggiano, pecorino romano, and provolone. Use what you want, but you want at least one strong cheese in there. You know…feet-scented cheese.)

-1lb tube-shaped pasta, like Ziti (I prefer Ziti to Penne because it doesn’t have ridges. Perfect for baking.)

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, return to pot, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, melt butter over medium-low heat. Add flour, stirring constantly, and cook for a minute or two. If the flour burns, start over–unless you don’t mind your mac’ tasting like burnt ass.
-Add heavy cream slowly, stirring constantly. Whisk away any lumps. Cook until mixture begins to *just* boil.
-Pour in beer, and cook until mixture boils. Cover pan and continue cooking for 10 minutes.

-Stir well, and turn heat down to low. Mix in cheese, and stir mixture until cheese is melted and heated through.


-Preheat the oven to 375°. Combine pasta with cheese mixture, and transfer to a greased baked dish.



Bake for 30-40 minutes. Let sit for at least 15 minutes–the beer will cook out and form a nice batter on top.

Note: Unlike regular mac'n'cheese, or baked ziti, this does NOT taste better the next day. The beer and cheese separates. If you decide to make this, come starving or don't come at all (what does that even mean?).

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Mac'n'Cheese'n'Beer" post.