THE UNEMPLOYED CHEF: Turkey Got Back

I have so many excuses for delaying this blog post. Probably the biggest one is that I'm a lazy asshole. Because you don't want to hear them anyway, I'll list the rest of my excuses for you.

A squirrel or something ate my cable line, and I lost both my internet and cable service. I hope that squirrel at least wrote up a recipe for that shit. Electrical cords, with a side of acorns. Sounds delicious! Bastards.
It was, what, 70 degrees last week? In October? After 3 weeks of 40 degrees and rain? I could care less when my internet was repaired.
I was mad at the world for the past 2 weeks. Some of that is explained in the next 2 bullets.
As you might recall from this post (and my cute little rage-rant in this post), I was supposed to be moving. And getting a real kitchen. And a HOUSE. With actual living space. I could almost bear dealing with incompetant real estate agents and dickwad vendors (our mortgage guy was cool, so no insult for him) knowing that in the end, it would all be worth it. Except our sellers' agent dropped the ball completely (JEFF MARTIN BLOWS GOATS), and our appraiser (I'd shout out that bitch too if I knew his name) just straight up didn't do his job, so the sellers backed out. Which leads to my second bullet...
So we already paid for a lot of things we can't get back. And you know how cheap I am, so that frustrates me to no end. Oh, and since we told our landlord we'd be out of our apartment by October 16th, she got a new tenant. The Unemployed Chef suddenly became The Homeless Chef. I guess, on the bright side, it adds to my trashy edge even more. At least there's no more worries of me"selling-out."
For good measure, I'll also add that the Jets lost to the Bills last week. Really? As you may already know, I'm a tailgate blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, and I knew off the bat that last week's post would be a conflict of interest. But I didn't know I'd have to be the humble one. You can check out the post here.

For all of the reasons above, I feel like an ass. Which leads me to the following recipe... (Scroll down for ass references)

Yeah, burgers are perfect tailgate food. But you already know that. With all the Thanksgiving discounts and ads (it's not even November yet!), I started thinking...hmmm...Turkey Burger? But that makes me think of diets and "healthy" alternatives, and that makes me sad.

Well, if the Turkey Burger is huge, and covered in bacon, cheese, onions, and other masses of lard covered goodness....I guess that could be acceptable. And tailgate worthy.

That's where I came up with...

...the BIG-ASS Turkey Burger.

Don't worry. It's a lot of meat (or bird). And it really is a big-ass burger. But you'll be fine. I threw in lettuce and tomatoes, so that makes it a salad...right? That stops it from being a total heart attack....RIGHT?!

But really, don't worry. Or you'll sound like this.

Here's the best part--I don't even have a grill at the moment. How sad is that? So I thought I would be extra sophisticated and break out the George Foreman. We all know it's not a classy meal unless El Jorge is somehow involved.

Read on to see how you can bring a touch of class and elegance (and the best-tasting, least-healthy turkey burger you've ever tasted) to your homies before the game.

Big-Ass Turkey Burger

Makes 2 big-ass burgers
Ingredients
-1 lb ground turkey meat
-4 slices swiss cheese
-5 scallions, green parts only, finely chopped
-1 small yellow onion, cut into small strips
-4 slices bacon
-1 beefsteak tomato
-2 kaiser rolls
-Romaine lettuce leaves, torn
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fry bacon in a frying pan or skillet until crisp. Remove from pan, lying on paper towels, and set aside. Be sure to reserve bacon grease in pan.
-Add chopped onion to hot bacon grease, and fry until caramelized (translucent and browned on the edges). Remove from pan, and set aside.

-Meanwhile, add ground turkey to a mixing bowl, and separate with hands. Season with salt, pepper, and chopped scallions, and mix thoroughly. You know, get all up in that bitch. Massage your meat!
-Before forming your turkey burgers, roll your ground turkey into two balls, or ass cheeks, as demonstrated below. This will make the meat easier to smash down into even, circular patties. It also allows you to take fun pictures, such as this one, or perhaps one with a cucumber in the middle for good measure.

-Plug in your George Foreman, and let it heat up. I know the George Foreman comes with something to collect the grease, so it doesn't splatter all over your kitchen, but I couldn't find it. So I used the top of a Chinese-takeout container. Crafty?

-Form your burger (you can only do 1 at a time on the Foreman...sorry), place on your "grill," and close. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side, or until the burger is cooked through. Obviously, the thicker the burger, the longer it will take.

-Meanwhile, preheat your oven for 250°. Place your (split) Kaiser roll on a metal oven tray, and pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the roll is just toasted.
-Remove rolls from the oven, and top with burger, and 2 slices swiss cheese. Pop back into the oven for 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Top with lettuce and a thick slice of tomato.

-Finish the burger off with 2 slices of bacon, and a nice pile of caramelized onions. There goes any connotation that this may actually be a healthy burger.