Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Or in this case, served hot and pan-fried, with a side of annoying)

And thus, we begin today's lesson on fish.

Also, while trying to find the rights to this image via the most reliable source on the Internet (Google Image Search, OBVIOUSLY), I came across this gem. Really, it is more likely than you think.

dailykos.com
Good fish should not smell...well, like fish. Vaginal bacterial infection scent =/= your shopping criteria when purchasing seafood.

Also, it probably shouldn't sing. But, this is inevitably what happens when you roll my squash down the hallway and smash my camera. Asshole.



(If you have no idea why I would plot revenge upon this poor Ginger man, check out this post and this video.)

That being said, a fresh piece of fish requires little work and ingredients. I mean, I don't know if I should even call the following a "recipe.". I guess it's more of a techique. Good piece of salmon + olive oil heated correctly = heaven.

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Pan-fried Salmon

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 salmon filets with skin on, 1 inch thick (This is simply my personal preference, but I prefer the long, thick [that's what she said] cuts of salmon over the wider, thinner cuts. They stay moister [I can't] throughout cooking.


-Olive oil (about 2 tbsp)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Season salmon filets with salt and pepper, rubbing the spices into the fish. Set aside (not refrigerated) for about 30 minutes prior to cooking.
-Heat a nonstick frying pan or skillet over medium low heat. Add oil to pan (swirl to coat, and allow to slowly heat up for a few minutes (this prevents you from burning your oil, which changes its taste).
-Turn the heat up to medium high for 1 minute, and then add your salmon filets to the pan, skin side up. In order to top your salmon with the perfect crispy crust (without breadcrumbs), hot oil is crucial.

-Cook for 4-5 minutes (adjust time according to thickness), and then flip filets. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes. Remove from heat, and allow fillets to sit in the pan for another minute or so (they will continue to cook).

-Serve with or without skin. (The skin will be extra crispy: salmon skin roll-quality. YOU KNOW HOW I DO!)

Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:




You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.


What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

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Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

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Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

Another meaningless post of my sarcastic & bitchy ramblings...with a few recipes thrown in

I believe two posts ago I told you "I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes." And then I gave you, what, one recipe? 8 days ago? COLD.

I feel like lying on the couch (pantless, of course) and watching Top Chef Masters' repeats right now, but I feel guilted into leaving you at least *one* recipe before I go away AGAIN for the weekend. Precious? You know the Unemployed Chef got mad love for ya.

To be honest, I really did plan on gracing you bitches with a bunch of recipes, but I made a lot of repeated dishes. Or dishes so simple, I didn't think they required a recipe. (Or maybe they do... Because if you're trusting me with your dinner plans, you probably can't cook for shit.) I basically used everything I had in my house, mixed with pasta or rice. You know, gotta avoid Pathmark at all costs. Unemployed Chef = broke.

Here's what went directly to my thighs this week. I'm too lazy to list the recipes, but I'll tell you the ingredients and assume you can figure it out for yourself. Please don't prove me wrong with your high levels of stupidity. Work with me here.

PS: I also made a giant batch of Pasta Fagioli (Pasta Fa-zool!) for the BF, but you aren't worthy of witnessing it's sexiness. Not yet, at least. These things take time. I guess you'll just have to keep following my blog...


Penne Aglio e Olio (Garlic, oil, & red pepper flakes) + tomatoes + mushrooms


Coconut-Curry Battered Chicken over Rice
(I wasn't crazy about this, so I won't elaborate. It wasn't bad, it was just.... I guess I'm tired of chicken. OK, I'll keep it real... It sucked.)

Sautéed Flounder + Tomatoes + Mushrooms with Toasted Pinenut Couscous

Farfalle Pasta simmered in Chicken Stock + Garlic + Red Pepper Flakes + Cannellini Beans + Onions + Shredded Asiago Cheese

Spinach Salad + Strawberries + Battered Baked Chicken + Hard Boiled Egg Whites + Gorgonzola Cheese + Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette

Awww, fine, keep whining. Now I feel guilty. And I'm no stranger to classic Italian/Catholic guilt. I'll give you one actual recipe before I leave.

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Chili-rubbed Cod with Seasoned Acini di Pepe

Makes 2 servings... with lots of Acini di Pepe leftover

Ingredients

Chili-rubbed Cod:

-2 Cod filets

-Chili powder, to taste

-A dash of paprika

-Olive oil

Seasoned Acini de Pepe:

-1 lb acini de pepe pasta (the original recipe called for Israeli Couscous... but I can't find them anywhere. Same shit. I also made this with orzo and it kicked ass.)

-Olive oil (2-3 tbsp)

-A *big squeeze* of lemon juice (3-4 tbsp)

-1 tsp sugar

-1 tsp soy sauce

-1/2 cup chopped scallions

-A *sprinkle* of chopped parsley (1 tbsp)

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over high heat. (A grill would be even better. Unfortunately, our BBQ got disgusting after being left out in the yard during the winter. Would you like some grilled rust perhaps?)

-Season cod filets with a generous rub of chili powder. Sprinkle on some paprika for color, and rub into the filets.

-Add the filets to the searing oil, and step back (unless you enjoy being scalded by flying hot oil...kinky). Fry for 2 minutes per side, to make a nice crust. Lower the heat to medium, and continue cooking the filets for about 5 minutes per side, or until they're cooked through.

-Meanwhile, prepare acini de pepe as described on box. Drain, and transfer to a large bowl. In a smaller bowl, combine olive oil, soy sauce, sugar, and lemon juice. Slowly pour into the acini de pepe, mixing and checking for taste. Adjust seasonings if necessary. Add scallions and parsley into the acini de pepe, and mix. Season with salt and pepper. Almost too easy.

Word.

WTF is swai?

Answer: An excuse to sound fancy.

Went to Pathmark only to find out the newest shipments haven't come in yet. So basically, I was forced to choose from a selection of last week's half-rotting crap. Or the mass of swai filets that were on sale.

Swai. Sounds exotic, no? I have exotic-sounding meals; therefore, I am a real chef. Actually, the swai filets were the cheapest fish at the seafood counter. Even cheaper than flounder. Madness.

Add that to one of my go-to recipes (a much modified recipe stolen from Women's Health), and you've got yourself one f'ing exotic-sounding meal.

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Panfried Swai Filets over Boy Choy & Mushrooms, with Coconut Curry Sauce

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

Coconut Curry Sauce:
-1 cup coconut milk
-1 tbsp brown sugar
-Dash of cayenne pepper
-Curry powder, to taste (I use A LOT...some might prefer a dash. Even though that's boring.)
-Juice of half a lime

Swai Filets:
-2 swai filets (Or bassa. Or tilapia. Or flouder. Or whatever cheap white fish you have. I've also made this with salmon and it was AMAZING.)
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Bok Choy & Mushrooms:
-1 medium bunch of bok choy, leaves and stems separated
-About 5 or 6 baby bello mushrooms, sliced (I prefer shiitake mushrooms for this, but couldn't find them. Pathmark blows.)


-Juice of half a lime
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fill a large pot or dutch oven (ha) with water, and bring to a boil. Separate the boy choy's leaves and stems. Cut the tough ends off the stems, and chop the rest into bite-size pieces. Once the water starts boiling, throw in the chopped stems, and boil for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, add in the leaves, and boil for another 5 minutes. Drain, transfer back into the pot, and cover.
-Meanwhile, mix coconut milk, brown sugar, cayenne pepper, and curry powder in a bowl. Add to a small saucepan, and cook over low heat for 10 minutes, stirring constantly. The mixture will thicken into a sauce over time. Taste the mixture as it cooks, and season to taste. I always OD on the curry at this point. I gotz FLAVA.
-After 10 minutes, remove saucepan from heat. Add juice of half a lime, stir. Cover.
-Season swai filets generously with salt and pepper. In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat, and add swai filets. Cook for about 2-3 minutes per side, depending on thickness. Remove from pan and cover to keep warm.

Filets, sauce, and boychoy. A bitch can MULTITASK.

-With the heat still going, add your sliced mushrooms to the pan's remaining oil, and toss to coat. Add the reserved bok choy, juice of half a lime, and salt and pepper. Stir constantly for about 3-5 minutes, or until mushrooms are tender.

-Transfer a scoop of boy choy and mushrooms to a plate, and place a swai filet on top of the vegetables. Drizzle with coconut curry sauce. Done.

How fancy. Everyone deserves a gourmet meal while watching Seinfeld reruns.

DEEEEZ NUTS.

If this title doesn't draw you in, I don't know what will.

But seriously, I like using nuts in my dinners. (Ha.) Almonds and walnuts are my favorites, because they seem to last forever. I love pine nuts, but they are expensive and get rancid after a week. I even substitute almonds for pine nuts in my pesto, but that's a whole other story and blog post.

I had some leftover almonds, and some leftover tilapia (see previous post), and a bunch of other random crap. Somehow, I got this recipe below, and it received such high praise (from the BF and...uh...me) that I'd make out with myself if I could. I'm that good.

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Almond-Crusted Tilapia

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 tilapia filets
-1 cup almonds
-Asiago cheese
-Flour
-1 egg
-Lemon pepper
-Garlic powder
-3 tbsp butter
-Olive oil
-Lemon wedges

Steps
-Place almonds into a blender. (No need to toast them first, since you'll be frying them up later.)
-"Purée" or "chop" (or whatever your blender says) the almonds until you're left with a fine, grainy powder.
-Transfer almond powder to a bowl, and mix with a handful or so of Asiago cheese.
-In other bowl, beat egg with a dash of lemon pepper and a dash of garlic powder.
-Fill yet another bowl with flour.

All behold my dipping stations. It makes the most of my (lack of) counter space.

-Over medium high heat, begin melting your butter in a skillet or frying pan. Once the butter starts bubbling, add a splash of olive oil, and allow that to heat, as well. (The olive oil prevents the butter from burning over high heat, in case you give a crap.)
-Meanwhile, step back over to your dipping stations. Dip your tilapia filets into the flour, the egg mixture, and the almond-and-cheese mixture, in that order.
-Place the coated filets in your skillet, and fry over medium high heat for about 2 minutes per side. Slightly lower your heat, cover your pan, and continue cooking for about 5-7 minutes (depending on the thickness of your filets).
-Serve with lemon wedges...if you want.

Seriously...I'm awesome. This was unbelievable.

Because the Costco tomatoes are still fresh.

4th of July weekend. A weekend in the Poconos full of hamburgers, hotdogs, and... rice and beans. Not exactly all-American, but I never complain about delicious Puerto Rican food (and I gotz da recipe, so stay tuned).

I returned Sunday night to my ugly kitchen to discover the Costco grape tomatoes are still fresh! Things like this excite me, for several reasons.

1. I don't have to spend more money on food.
2. I didn't waste money buying a jumbo crate of grape tomatoes. (Click here or here to remind yourself of their sexiness)
3. I have no life.

Combine that excitement with the bag of Costco tilapia filets chillin' in my freezer, and you've got yourself...

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Braised Tilapia with Grape Tomatoes & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 tilapia filets
-Grape tomatoes (about 2 handfuls), halved lengthwise
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods... It makes a difference, trust. And if you buy it from Costco it's cheaper than Campbell's!)
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. At this point, your house should smell like B.O.--delicious!
-Add your halved tomatoes to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer tomato & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your tilapia filets with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Place filets in the hot oil, frying each side for 2 minutes.
-Pour your reserved tomato & onion mixture on top of the filets, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan (I just use tin foil, 'cause I'm fly like that), and turn heat down to a simmer.


-Simmer for 10 minutes, flipping the filets halfway through to ensure even cooking.

Ta-da!

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This recipe is much easier than it sounds (and it sounds pretty fancy, no?) You can seriously "braise" anything (even humans, although I hear the meat isn't that tender). Here's another meal I made swapping the tilapia filets for chicken breasts (also from Costco--I swear they aren't paying me), and the grape tomatoes (they finally ran out) for baby bello mushrooms.

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Braised Chicken Breasts with Baby Bello Mushrooms & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Baby bello mushrooms, sliced (about 2 handfulls)
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Do you really need me to repeat the entire recipe, substituting "baby bello mushrooms" for "grape tomatoes," and "chicken breasts" for "tilapia filets?" Ok, fine, you needy bastard.

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. (Repeat B.O. joke here)
-Add your sliced baby bello mushrooms to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer mushroom & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your chicken breasts with garlic powder, salt, and pepper.
-Place breasts in the hot oil (sounds kinky), frying each side for about 3-4 minutes. If you're using chicken cutlets, a minute or 2 per side should be fine.

-Pour your reserved mushroom & onion mixture on top of the breasts, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan, and turn heat down to a simmer.

-Simmer for 10-15 minutes, flipping the breasts halfway through to ensure even cooking.

HELL YEA.