Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Or in this case, served hot and pan-fried, with a side of annoying)

And thus, we begin today's lesson on fish.

Also, while trying to find the rights to this image via the most reliable source on the Internet (Google Image Search, OBVIOUSLY), I came across this gem. Really, it is more likely than you think.

dailykos.com
Good fish should not smell...well, like fish. Vaginal bacterial infection scent =/= your shopping criteria when purchasing seafood.

Also, it probably shouldn't sing. But, this is inevitably what happens when you roll my squash down the hallway and smash my camera. Asshole.



(If you have no idea why I would plot revenge upon this poor Ginger man, check out this post and this video.)

That being said, a fresh piece of fish requires little work and ingredients. I mean, I don't know if I should even call the following a "recipe.". I guess it's more of a techique. Good piece of salmon + olive oil heated correctly = heaven.

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Pan-fried Salmon

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 salmon filets with skin on, 1 inch thick (This is simply my personal preference, but I prefer the long, thick [that's what she said] cuts of salmon over the wider, thinner cuts. They stay moister [I can't] throughout cooking.


-Olive oil (about 2 tbsp)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Season salmon filets with salt and pepper, rubbing the spices into the fish. Set aside (not refrigerated) for about 30 minutes prior to cooking.
-Heat a nonstick frying pan or skillet over medium low heat. Add oil to pan (swirl to coat, and allow to slowly heat up for a few minutes (this prevents you from burning your oil, which changes its taste).
-Turn the heat up to medium high for 1 minute, and then add your salmon filets to the pan, skin side up. In order to top your salmon with the perfect crispy crust (without breadcrumbs), hot oil is crucial.

-Cook for 4-5 minutes (adjust time according to thickness), and then flip filets. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes. Remove from heat, and allow fillets to sit in the pan for another minute or so (they will continue to cook).

-Serve with or without skin. (The skin will be extra crispy: salmon skin roll-quality. YOU KNOW HOW I DO!)

Pop Ya Collardz

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?


Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)



I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

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Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps


-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)



And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:



-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Sausagefest: Part II

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:


Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:


You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.


Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

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Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).


-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.


-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.


-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.

WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

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Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.


With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).


-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.


Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

Does this blog post anger you? Please, let's just SQUASH the drama...

I just returned from a weekend up in the Poconos (like way up there: Lake Ariel-area, to be exact). I've been spoiled on three whole days of Rusty's cooking. Here's a little sneak peek of what my weekend entailed:

And for some reason, Rusty's a fan of my blog--crazy, right? I mean, have you seen the shit I put on here?
PS: And yes, I enlightened Rusty on the definition of the Rusty Trombone. Good times.

Anyway, now that I've got your attention (and hunger), I can proceed with being a total dick.

The above photos have absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog post or it's featured recipe.

Why in fact...


...it's another SQUASH post!!!

Recognize the sexy acorn above? Well you should, because it's the same survivor from the "Stop, Drop & Roll..Squash" video featured in last week's post. And yes, the dent on the bottom is from colliding with my camera lens.

Well, anyway, Sexy Acorn was sitting up in the ICU (AKA a ceramic bowl on my pathetic wooden square of counter space) for about a week, resting up for his big day (and so I could once again taunt your starving souls with yet another squash post).

He even made a friend while in recovery:

(Taken with my phone camera, so excuse the photo quality)

Awwwww. How precious...

...until I baked his ass.

Roll THIS, Bitches!

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Baked Acorn Squash with Honey and Brown Sugar*
*Again, borrowed from my squash BIBLE, whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

-1 acorn squash, halved

-2 tbsp butter

-2 tbsp honey

-2 tsp dark brown sugar

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-Cut squash in half lengthwise, and remove seeds and pulp. Reserve seeds if you're a conservationist (or poor) and would like a toasted snack.

-Place squash halves, cut sides up, in a glass baking dish. Add about 1/4 inch of water to the dish, and scrape the squash's insides with a fork (don't worry, he's a masochist).

-Fill squash halves with equal portions butter, honey, and brown sugar. Sprinkle with a dash of salt and pepper.

-Bake at 375° for at least 1 hour. After an hour, check with a fork to see if your squash is done. It should slide easily into the flesh (again, no worries--he likes it). If it's, er, "resisting," throw that baby back into the oven for another 15, 20 minutes. I reached succulent, baked perfection after 1 hour and 20 minutes.

-Remove squash from oven, plate, and serve.

Pardon the fork indent. I was checking Sexy Acorn's doneness and got a little carried away.

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If you are still upset over my above teaser photos (GTFOverIt), here's some good news. I actually cooked the meal in the last photo, with the orzo, tomato salad, and chicken cutlet. Check out the Mediterranean-style Orzo recipe here.

Squash: The Sequel

This title should immediately conjure up some memories. But just in case you don't stalk my life (shoutout to Pauly D) and remember my every last post, here is a refresher course:



Vintage squash post circa July 2009:
Butternut Squash Risotto / My precious "Kabocha" getting (almost) run over by a Nissan Murano

And this one, for good measure:
Butternut Squash & Red Potato Soup + A peek at my sexy 49¢ placemats



Yes, September brings the birth of both football season and Oktoberfest (and yes, it begins in September, not October...silly Germans). But fall is also the season of SQUASH! This excites me to an extremely inappropriate degree (probably because I've been consistently drunk throughout the entire season).

Nothing brings me more pleasure than a man returning home from a long day of work and a grueling gym workout, expecting a hearty meal of steak and roasted potatoes, only to find this:


REAL MEN EAT ACORN SQUASH.

Or throw bitchfits, as my loving boyfriend did in the video below:




Delicata squash* doesn't roll as well (more of a phallic shape...double revenge), so it beat out the acorn squash for dinner that evening.

*Recipe stolen from http://whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm. Perfect beginner's site, for those who want to become obsessed with squash.

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Delicata Squash with Chili-Lime Butter

Makes 2 Servings

Ingredients
-2 delicata squashes (see photo below)
-1/2 stick of butter, softened
-1 lime, juiced
-A dash or 2 of chili powder
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Half delicata squash and remove seeds/fibers.


-Place face-down in a glass baking dish. Add about 1/4 inch of water to the dish.


-Bake at 350° for 30 minutes.
-Meanwhile, combine butter, lime juice, chili powder, and salt & pepper in a small bowl. Set aside.
-Remove squash from oven, and fill it's insides with the chili-lime butter (sounds kinky...and also sounds like a clogged artery. Yum!).

Delicata squash is a summer squash, like zucchini. So you can eat the skin.

REAL MEN EAT DELICATA.


PS: And because I'm a broke bitch, I waste nothing. You can reserve the seeds (wash off the fibers) and toast them as you would pumpkin seeds.

Once again, because I'm too drunk/lazy, check out this page (scroll down to the bottom) for seed ideas: http://whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm

Can't Beat This Meat

Some of you may wonder why I have so few (red) meat recipes on here. Allow me to explain. I am a vegetarian by no means. Nor am I healthy. I am just poor. Red meat is expensive, and therefore, reserved for special occasions. (I used to have this rule for alchohol, until "special occasions" became "it's 2:47 PM" and "I'm blogging.")

My mom also yelled at me for not cooking enough meat for the BF. "He's a big boy, he needs some meat!" Does she not realize we currently live in Chelsea, NYC? If he needs meat, he can get it--but I'm pretty sure that leaves me out of the picture.

There was, however, a brief period of time where I discovered cheap red meat in NYC--Western Beef. In particular, the Western Beef on 16th St by the Fulton projects. Where steak costs less than a small box of cereal. Low and behold, there were about 4-5 months where "steak night" became as ritual as, well, this:



Then we had a summer that hovered consistantly at 95 degrees--Swamp ass galore! Seeing as Western Beef is pretty far from my house, and my lazy ass refuses to walk in jungle weather with heavy bags...let's just say it's been a pasta kind of summer.

Then one day it was slightly less swampy-assy outside. I decided my household deserved a little dead animal on its dinner table. So I decided to STRUT THAT ASS* over to Western Beef. I brought home an extremely cheap family pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs, which leaked all over my clothes on the trek home. I opened the packaging (which was basically already open, seeing as I could have won a salmonella wet T-shirt contest), and caught a whiff of ROTTEN EGGS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I strutted that ass for bad chicken???!!! Western Beef, you are now on my shit-list with Gristedes. I hate you. And I retract my ass-strut. Never again.

*I really just wanted to post this video up here. Yeah, I know it's old news. I don't care.



And of course, the auto-tune version:




Well, I was browsing through old photos, when Western Beef and I were still homies, and got a little sentimental. Here's an example of the good times that you and I once shared. You will miss me now that I'm gone.

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Marinaded Steak with Wilted Spinach

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1 lb. round steak, thinly sliced (It will usually be labeled as "Pepper Steak." Ask your butcher to slice it for you if you can't find it presliced. After a little marinading, this CHEAP cut of beef still tastes awesome. But you can also substitute flank or skirt steak for the round, if that's your preference.)
-1/4 c Red wine (I used a Sangiovese by Il Bastardo. There was no reasoning behind this--it was the cheapest wine in the liquor store.)
-1/4 c Reduced-sodium soy sauce, plus a little extra
-2 Garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
-2 tsp Sugar
-Peanut oil (You can use whatever you have on hand, but this is what I used)
-4-5 "big handfuls" of spinach
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Jasmine rice (optional)

Steps
-Rinse/dry steak slices, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.


-In a large, non-reactive bowl, combine first 5 ingredients. Cover and leave out at room temperature for about an hour.

-Heat oil in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. Add steak to pan, in intervals if needed (to avoid crowding the pan), cooking slices a minute per side for medium rare. (The wine cooks the meat slightly, and it continues to cook when removed from heat, anyway). Remove from heat and let rest.


-Meanwhile, in a saucepan with raised sides, bring salted water to a boil. Add spinach to pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Drain and return to the pan, seasoning with soy sauce, salt, and pepper, to taste.
-If you are preparing the Jasmine rice, cook according to package directions. Seriously, I'm not telling you how to cook rice. It's right on the packaging. And if you are not literate, why are you on my blog anyway? The sexy photos and Youtube videos that have nothing to do with the featured recipe?

Yeah, that's probably it.

Here ya go:

DON'T HATE. MARINATE.