Pop Ya Collardz

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?


Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)



I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

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Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps


-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)



And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:



-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Sausagefest: Part II

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:


Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:


You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.


Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

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Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).


-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.


-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.


-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.

WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

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Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.


With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).


-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.


Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

Pork + Cherries = Too many obvious jokes.

I still remember my very first post. I created this blog solely because my new camera had a "Gourmet Food" setting. (Side note: The only reason I received a new camera was because Ken--the BF--dropped my old one in Norway during a parade, where it not only smashed screen-first onto the concrete sidewalk, but additionally got trampled by a stampede of giant Vikings. This = you buy me a new camera, bitch.)

Little did I know that any of you losers (love you guys!) would actually be interested in this cesspool of crap. And that I would still be entertaining you losers (again, I say this out of love) today.

Sometimes I don't blog for a week or so, and then conjure up some random greatness out of nowhere ("out of nowhere" = "I'm probably drinking"). And I get that rush like I'm starting a whole new blog.

I feel like I'm popping my (blog's) cherry all over again.

I really want this metaphor to work, because I have no idea how else to introduce a recipe like Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction. Sex and fart jokes are all I've got.

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Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction

PS: Totally stole this shizz from here.

Makes 2 pork chops

Ingredients
-2 Bone-in center cut pork chops, about 1 inch thick
-2 tbsp red wine/red wine vinegar (which is what I used, because I didn't have any red wine on hand. Alcohol doesn't last long in my house.)
-Butter (about 3 tbsp)
-2 shallots, chopped
-1/4 c beef broth
-1 1/2 - 2 c frozen pitted black cherries, defrosted (reserve juice)
-A *sprinkle* of dried rosemary leaves (I'm sure fresh would be even better)
-Olive oil (or whatever you have an hand)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil over medium high heat. Season your pork chops with salt, pepper, and whatever other goodies you like (I tend to use a little garlic powder or paprika).

-Add pork chops to the hot oil (1 at a time, if you have a mini-skillet like me--frying evenly is more important than efficiency), cooking for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove from pan and place in a glass baking dish.


-Bake pork chops at 350° for about 20 minutes, or until they are cooked through.
-Meanwhile, reserving the luscious pork chop grease, reheat pan over medium heat, adding butter. Twirl pan until butter is melted and covers entire surface.
-Add chopped shallots and defrosted cherries + juice to the pan. Cook for about 2-3 minutes, until shallots are tender but not brown.


-Add red wine/red wine vinegar and beef broth to pan, and cook (stirring occasionally) until mixture simmers.
-Add rosemary, and continue to simmer until sauce reduces. Season with salt and pepper to taste, and pour over baked pork chops.

Wake up and smell the... carbs/liquor.

AMERICA. The land of freedom, baseball, apple pie, obesity, and the Drunken Brunch. I don't get it. Europeans have mastered the art of the siesta, and serve alcohol at McDonald's, but dismiss the Drunken Brunch. Well, they'll catch up soon enough, since it seems that all trends make it there, eventually. Like in 2005, when I lived in Rome, and mullets were just starting to grace those sweet Italian heads.


Real photos:

Rome 2005

Barcelona, 2005

I threw in a Spanish mullet for good measure. I know the guy on the right is mull-free, but he's sexy so he stays.

But enough of that. Back to the drunken brunch. To me, there is nothing better in this world then stumbling out of bed at noon, only to return to bed an hour later in a carb/alcohol-induced coma.

Allow me to introduce my Drunken Brunch staple-- The Strata. Eggs, Bread, Cheese, Meat. A hint of veggies. Your whole day's food pyramid, shoved into one meal. And washed down (stay tuned) with some of the good stuff.

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Sausage, Onion, & Spinach Strata

Enough to serve 6-8 people. Even greedy bastards like me. It took me a week to finish the leftovers.

Ingredients
-8 eggs
-8 thick slices sourdough bread, cut into small cubes
-2 cups milk
-About 4-6 medium hot Italian sausage links, casings removed
-1 large or 2 medium Spanish onions, diced
-2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
-About 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
-Olive oil
-Dash of dry mustard
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Arrange bread cubes in a glass baking dish.


-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook until translucent. Remove from pan, and spread over bread cubes in a uniform layer.


-Using the same oil, crumble sausage into the hot frying pan, and cook until browned. Remove from pan, and layer on top of onions.


-Once again, add spinach leaves to the hot frying pan, and cook in the oil for a minute or so, stirring until leaves are wilted. Remove from pan, and layer on top of sausage.


-Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, cheese, salt and pepper. Pour mixture on top of the bread-onion-sausage-spinach pile. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.



-Before baking, remove your baking dish from the refrigerator, and allow to sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes.
-Bake at 350° for 1 hour.


(Allow Strata to sit for about 10-15 minutes before serving)

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And you didn't think I'd leave you without a little something to wash down your strata, did you? Most of my friends are fans of the Mimosa (O.J. + Champagne... Not Simpson... I feel the need to clarify because some of my readers are idiots). Yours truly, however, prefers the Bloody Mary. I find that very few people from my generation appreciate the Bloody Mary, or understand the wonders it does for hangovers (tomatoes' potassium + a "bite of the dog that bit ya").

I recently visited my friend Tambry in New Orleans, however, where locals understand the importance of starting your day with well-concocted Bloody Mary. (Then again, this is also a city that has drive through Daquiri stands).

I used to use tomato juice or V8 as my Bloody Mary's base, and avoid mixes at all costs. As you might remember from this post, your mom's libation of choice:

But Tambry turned me on to Pat O'briens Bloody Mary mix, with the New Orleans staple, a pickled green bean. F celery. Pickled greenbeans are where it's at. And maybe even a little hot pickled okra. Yum. I'm officially a fan.

New Orleans-Style Bloody Mary

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Pat O'Briens mix (or tomato juice/V8...don't worry, you're gonna spice that shizz up)

-Vodka

-Worcestershire sauce

-Lemon

-Pickled greenbeans

-Pickled okra

-Horseradish (optional)

....Really, steps for a drink?

Ugh, fine.

Steps

-Put ice in a glass.

-Pour a good amount of vodka over ice. (You know I hate measurements, and for drinks I really refuse. However much you can handle. How's that for an amount? Don't be a puss.)

-Pour Bloody Mary mix/tomato juice over vodka.

-Add a squeeze of lemon, a dash of Worcestershire, and a pinch of horseradish (if you like horseradish).
-Stir.
-Garnish (how fancy!) with a pickled green bean and/or okra pod.
-Come to the realization that alcohol can get you through your day far better than coffee or a crappy energy drink that looks/tastes like piss (not that I've tasted piss).
-Pass out after your 5th drink and form a new realization that perhaps alcohol is a better sedative than stimulant. You form this realization after you wake up with your friends taking turns giving you Arabian Goggles and photographing it.

Ya Down With A.D.D. (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)

So I meant to post this Friday, but then I got sidetracked. It's the story of my life. I have the attention span of my papito Dug from Up (see below).



While, clinically, it's probably A.D.D.; personally, it's just that you're not interesting enough to hold my attention. I mean, I once spent an entire day looking at different varieties of berries on Wikipedia (I'll be honest. I originally googled "dingleberries."), but usually, I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Some people find it to be endearing. It causes me to go off on tangents, supplying you with long, rambling blog posts. I mean, where else can you read about squash, douchy realtors, watermelon (stay tuned) and David Faustino's asshole on the same website? Well, maybe Google.com, but this is a close second.

So I spent July 4th weekend at Rusty's house, and left with 2 things--the motivation to start blogging again, and a watermelon. Like myself, Rusty enjoys a good manchowder joke, and dislikes wasting food. Combine that with my love of drunk blogging, and you get this:

Watermelon juice + vodka + ice = fine quality beverage

I'm so innovative.

Actually, this sucked. Maybe that's because I used Gordon's Vodka. Because nothing screams class/sophistication like a plastic bottle. You know how I do!

Anyhoozer, this blog is actually about pulled pork. I have no idea how to gracefully transition from watermelon to pork, and after a few Watermelontinis (sure, why not), I'm not going to try.

Unfortunately, "pulled pork" isn't another name for your peen post-masterbation. Fortunately, my version of pulled pork will give your dominant hand (for cooking, obviously) a rest, and allow you to rely entirely on your Slow Cooker. Seriously, even a slow cooker could figure out how to use a Slow Cooker.

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Pulled Pork with Homemade Barbecue Sauce

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-2 lbs pork shoulder, sliced about 1 inch thick
-2 cups ketchup
-1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
-1/4 cup brown sugar
-1 dash dry mustard
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Place pork slices in your slow cooker.

-Cover pork with the remaining ingredients.


-Cover, and cook on low for 6-8 hours, depending on the strength of your slow cooker. Mine is apparently the Hulk, since after even only a couple of hours my pot is scalding and spitting hot fluid (insert dirty joke here) out of the lid.
-Remove pork shoulder from slow cooker, and remove bones and excess fat (or don't) from the pork. Shred the remaining pork with a fork (poet and I don't know it perhaps?).

Look how bee-yoo-tee-full!
-Behold the beauty of your delicious, waiting-to-be-piled-on-split-Kaiser-rolls pulled pork.
-Eat up, Fatties!

It's Man Chowder, It don't come from no can, It's Man Chowder, It's made by hand...

Really? That title prompted you to read today's recipe post?

For those of you who had been reading my posts on Buffalo Sports Daily throughout the football season, I apologize. This post is a repeat. That's when you know you've made it big: your posts stream into syndication. Or that could also means you suck, and no one wants to air you on primetime anymore (Except TBS. Very funny.).

Since I've been in such a soup kick lately (stay tuned for lots of soup posts...Soup Nazi in full effect), I thought I would kick it old school (that is, the ancient month of September 2009), and rehash for you my very first Buffalo Sports Daily post--New England Clam Chowdaaah.

OK, I’ll be honest with you. This was my first time ever making New England Clam Chowder in September. Actually, this was my first time making New England Clam Chowder ever, but don’t you worry about that, kitten. The Unemployed Chef does not disappoint. You know, so when you're tailgating or showing off your dish at the big house party, no one can say your “chowdah” tastes more like “manchowdah” (although you can always retaliate with, ‘Why the F do you know what that tastes like?’ Awkward pause.)

Hey, It’s what I do—I look out for you. You’re welcome.

Apparently, traditional New England Clam Chowdaaahhh uses salt pork, not bacon. I personally like both, but since I have about 5 blocks of salt pork in my freezer, tradition served me well. You can use whatever you want. Most Italian butchers carry salt pork. If you’ve never cooked with salt pork before, it should look something like this:

Mmmmm… salt. Fat. Drool.

You can hate on the unhealthiness all you want, but watch what happens when you show up in the parking lot with tofu skewers.

If you can’t find salt pork, no need to get your chonies in a bunch. Bacon or pancetta or even ham hocks are just as delicious and fatty. They definitely have a smokier taste, but aint nothin’ wrong with that.

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New England Clam Chowdaaah

Makes one big-ass pot full of chowdah

Ingredients
-About ½ ounce butcher cut salt pork (I used half a butcher block); or 4 strips bacon
-½ Spanish or yellow onion, diced small
-2 Tbsp white flour
-3 Yukon gold potatoes, cut into small cubes
-1 cup bottled clam juice (I used Cento Clam Juice), or reserved clam juice from can (but bottled tastes less like…can.)
-2 6-ounce cans whole baby clams, drained (reserve liquid…just in case)
-1 cup half & half
-½ cup heavy cream
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Remove rind from salt pork. Cut salt pork into small cubes. The easiest way to do this is with a pair of scissors.
-In a deep pot or dutch oven (haha), cook salt pork over medium heat until cubes are crispy. I added the rinds in there, too—totally optional. Depends how much oink oink you want in your chowder. As you can see, mine reeks of Miss Piggy.

-Remove salt pork and rinds from pot, reserving grease. Cook diced onion in the grease until soft and translucent, but not browned (about 5-10 minutes, depending on how big of a batch you’re cooking). Caramelizing the onions will change the taste of the chowder. To avoid that, I cooked the onions with the lid on for half of the time.


-Sprinkle in flour, and stir constantly for 3-5 minutes. Just like the onions, you don’t want to burn your flour.
-Add clam juice, and stir for about 2 minutes.
-Add potatoes, and bring to a boil. Once clam juice is boiling, cover and simmer until potatoes are soft. This took me FOREVER. Usually potatoes take me, like, 15 minutes. I guess there wasn’t enough liquid in the pan to soften those babies up quickly. My advice? Just keep checking them until they’re soft enough.


-Remove lid, and pour in clams. Slowly pour in half & half, followed by your heavy cream.
-Allow your chowder to heat up SLOWLY.. You do NOT want to boil anything with cream! Barf.

-Check for taste, and season with salt and pepper, if necessary. If your chowder’s too thin, add some cornstarch to thicken it up. If you prefer it more soupy (weirdo), you can use some of your reserved can clam juice to thin it out. Or water.

Best thing about revisiting old recipes? Revisiting these gorgeous 49¢ placemats that all you bitches love to hate! Enjoy.