Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side

They say that chicken soup is good for the soul. I’m sure that’s a load of crap, but as a Jets fan writing for the Buffalo Bills, my soul needed healing after we got our asses handed to us in Week 6. I guess my Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup really does work magic, since I guzzled it down last Thursday during the game (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!).

If your soul doesn't need healing (or you just don't have a soul), think of my soup as your winter survival meal, with way less side effects than the H1N1 shot. I mean, I think it's finally winter (although yesterday's 55 degree afternoon kind of confused me...gotta love global warming). Either way, freezing your ‘nads off in front of a grill is unnecessary. I mean, the grill can only warm them up so much, right?

So this Sunday, I'm advising you all to down a ‘liquid’ dinner while watching the big game. Much to your disappointment, this liquid dinner is not pertaining to alcohol. That’s right. My Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup is that good. You’ll feel intoxicated by its deliciousness.

(I won't be downing a liquid dinner this Sunday, because I'll be in Tampa watching the Jets brutally murder the Buccs. And if Tampa Bay's second win is in fact against the Jets, I will dive into a pot of scalding chicken soup and burn my skin off. And bring Sanchez with me. So I guess if this is my last post, you'll know why.)

Who am I kidding? We all know I’m an alcoholic. And we all know what I mean when I refer to a ‘liquid’ meal. I’ll be including my own personal Hot Toddy recipe at the bottom of this post, which is also guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (because it’s loaded with rum). Drink up, bitches!

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Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Makes 1 big-ass pot of soup

**I cooked my soup in a slow cooker for the entire day. If you don’t have one, just cook your soup in a large pot or DUTCH OVEN (haha) over low heat for about 3-4 hours.

Ingredients
-5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-5 stalks celery
-3 carrots
-1 garlic clove
-1 large yellow onion
-Garlic powder
-2 large chicken bouillion cubes (I used Knorr)
-Paprika
-Grated cheese, like Parmigiano-Reggiano (Optional)
-Salt & Pepper
-Egg noodles

Steps
-Peel and smash garlic clove. Rub the bottom and sides of your pot with the smashed clove (this will make your hands stink for about a week). You can either discard the clove or leave it in the bottom of the pot for added flavor. You know me, I don’t waste. I leave that bad boy in there for the whole 8 hours.
-Chop onions, celery stalks, and carrots, and place them in the bottom of your pot.


-Wash chicken thighs and cut off excess fat. (Judging from my photo, you can see I didn’t follow that rule very well. Gross, maybe. But fat tastes good. So whatever.) Place on top of vegetables.
-Cover everything with about 6 cups cold water. Add a dash or 2 of garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and a *heavy* dash of paprika. Paprika works magic in chicken soup, and gives it a nice color. Don’t worry about adjusting the seasonings right now–you can always do that at the end, when your chicken isn’t raw (nothing like a big ol’ spoonful of salmonella!). Drop in your bouillion cubes, cover your pan, and turn on your slow cooker (or, if using your stove top, turn the heat up to medium-low, and then down to a simmer once boiling).


-You’ll know your soup is ready when the chicken is not only cooked, but instantly shreds when barely touched with a fork. Break up the chicken and stir your soup, and adjust seasoning if necessary. I add a ton of paprika. Clear broth is ugly.
-Don’t worry if your broth looks “blotchy.” That’s the juices from the chicken combined with the all of the seasonings. Just stir it up before serving.
-Drop in egg noodles, or small pasta, such as Ditalini, and simmer in the soup until soft. Ladle into bowls, and top with grated cheese, if desired.

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Hot Toddy

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!


No picture…because I finished my drink before finishing this post. Jealous?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Chicken Noodle Soup" post.

My Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving...

Being a holiday week and all, I thought I'd switch things up a bit. As the official Tailgate Blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, I've been supplying you loyal readers tailgate recipes ever since the start of football season. However, any tailgating food I whip up this Sunday will most likely be some concoction of Thanksgiving leftovers and scraps. So it's only right to show you guys the origins of those leftovers and scraps, right?

Here's a little peek at Thanksgiving, done the fat I-talian way. To me, it's one of those days where I always make sure I have a festive pair of stretch pants on hand. Although this year, I'm not sure stretch pants did the trick. I needed a stretch stomach.

He knows what I'm talking about.

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Now, some of these photos are just teases. I'm not writing out 20 recipes. One, I don't feel like it. And two...well, some of them I don't know offhand.

I'm lucky I got any photos at all...people kept reaching for food as I was trying to get my 'Photographer' on. Rude.

Because I'm exhausted (turkey hangover), I kept the recipes short and simple. I know they're usually a bit more detailed, but let's be honest--50% of those details are dirty jokes and sexual innuendos that have nothing to do with anything.

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Before we down the traditional Thanksgiving spread, we pregame. With this:

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Before dinner, I served up some Butternut Squash & Potato Soup. It was done in about 5 seconds. R. I. P., you sexy squash. I regret not being able to photograph you before your depletion.
But we can always relive your glory days via this post from 8/3/09:

http://theunemployedchef.blogspot.com/2009/08/butternut-squash-soup.html

Oh yea, the above link also contains the soup's recipe. Check it out.
(I used Baby Dutch Yellow Potatoes instead of the Baby Reds, and doubled the recipe.)

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From left: Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms; Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts; Candied Yams with Marshmallows
I had to stick with the past 2 weeks' sausage-fest theme (If you're a new reader or have no idea what I'm referring to, click here and here.

Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms

-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil
-16-ounce Italian sausage, crumbled and browned in olive oil
-Bacon, fried and crumbled (as much as desired)
-1 box mushrooms, sliced and sautéed briefly

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

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Believe it or not, there are actually people at our dinner table who don't eat red meat. I know, right?

Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts

Use the same base recipe for the stuffing as above:
-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil

New ingredients:
-2 Granny Smith apples, cut up
-Dried cranberries, soaked in chicken broth for about an hour
-Walnut halves
-sugar (as much as desired)
-cinnamon (as much as desired)
-Maple syrup (as much as desired)

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

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From left: Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad; Baked Artichoke Hearts with Breadcrumbs

Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad

-Butternut squash, peeled and cut into cubes
-Maple syrup
-Dried cranberries
-1 cup apple cider
-2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-2 tsp dijon mustard
-2 Shallots, diced
-Olive oil

-Combine butternut squash with olive oil and maple syrup, and toss to coat. Spread out on a baking pan, and bake at 450 degrees for 20-25 minutes.
-Add dried cranberries to the cubed squash, and bake for another 5-10 minutes, or until squash is tender and cranberries plump up.
-In a saucepan, combine apple cider, apple cider vinegar, and mustard. Cook until mixture reduces, add shallots and cook until heated through (not browned). Add 1/2 cup olive oil.
-Pour saucepan mixture over squash and cranberries. Toss to coat, and serve.

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Baked Artichokes with Breadcrumbs

-3 cans artichoke hearts, cut into quarters (no marinade)
-Seasoned breadcrumbs
-3 8-ounce boxes fresh mushrooms, sliced
-6 cloves garlic, chopped
-1 cup grated Parmesian cheese
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

-Combine all ingredients in a large bowl, with enough olive oil to coat mixture (you want everything to be moist, but not mushy)
-Transfer to a greased baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, or until crispy.

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Cranberry-Apricot Sauce

-2 bags fresh cranberries (12-ounce)
-2/3 cup orange juice (I used Orange-Peach-Mango juice)
-3 cups dried apricot halves, cut into thin strips
-1/2 cup white sugar
-1/2 cup brown sugar
-Orange zest
-Dash of salt


-Combine all of the above ingredients in a saucepan. Cook over medium high heat, stirring constantly. Keep cooking until the cranberries burst and thicken into a jellied consistancy. Cool before serving.

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Oh, and of course, dessert.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Re: Putting sausage inside your taco

I still have a slight turkey hangover from Thanksgiving. I'll be adding a post on that shortly, but just keep that in mind while you read through this half-assed post.

My plans for this beautiful Sunday? Watching the Jets take on the Panthers (which, unlike last week's game, shouldn't be a complete embarassment), drinking (obviously), and putting up my ridiculously ghetto Christmas tree (while drinking, obviously). Also, I'll be listening to this on repeat.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m sure wherever you’re watching the game is a total sausage-fest. To acknowledge that, this will be my second week in a row of a sausage post. I guess you can say the Unemployed Chef eats a lot of sausage. That’s what she said. Or I said.

We can say this is a much belated Oktoberfest tribute, except this recipe is supposed to be Mexican. But it’s not German sausage. Or even Mexican. So I don’t know what it is. But it tastes good, and it’s easy (just like your mom).

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Sausage Tacos

Makes 4 tacos

Ingredients

-4 Taco Shells, or soft wraps (I used Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff), you know, the ones that are flat on the bottom. Because I wanted them to stand up. So I could take a lovely picture for you. Instead, when I opened the box, 8 out of the 10 shells were broken, and my taco fell apart immediately after its assembly. I’m not sure if they were stale, or if Old El Paso just all-around SUCKS. But be forewarned.)
-Shredded cheese (I used a mix of Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Asadero, and Queso Blanco)
-Shredded romaine or iceberg lettuce
-4 hot sausage links (I used Al Fresco Spicy Jalapeño Chicken Sausage…So good!)
-1 15.5 oz can black beans
-1 small yellow onion, diced
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper
-White rice
-Taco sauce, such as Ortega Thick & Smooth Taco Sauce. Or, instead of being a lazy bitch, you could make your own (See recipe below).
-Sour cream (Optional)
-Guacamole (Optional)

These are base ingredients. Use what you want. Prefer shredded chicken or ground beef over sausage? Go right ahead. Hate shredded lettuce? Leave it off, or add another green, like sauteed spinach. Like tomatoes or red peppers? Go for it. Sick of me asking/answering my own questions?

Yes, yes you are.

You can prepare the beans beforehand, and use any leftovers as a side dish with the rice.

This is apparently Taco Bell’s taco sauce recipe, or a clone of it. You know, because nothing screams “authentic Mexican” like Taco Bell.

Steps

-Rinse and drain beans. In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions to pan, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic to pan with onions, stirring until garlic is just starting to brown and your onions are starting to caramelize.

-Add beans to your onion and garlic mixture, and cook until beans are heated through and tender. Remove from heat and set aside.
-Prepare rice according to package instructions. (I mean, really, you need my assistance to cook rice?). Cover and set aside.
-Add a drop or 2 (about a tbsp, for you measurement freaks) of oil to a frying pan or skillet, and set to medium-high heat. Better yet, remove the beans/onion/garlic mixture from your pan, and use your already-deliciously-seasoned grease.
-Add sausage links, and cook for about 10-15 minutes, or until casing is browned on all sides.

-Remove sausage from pan, and cut into small dice.

Just a few of the toppings

-Assemble your taco as follows: Shell, rice, beans, sausage, lettuce, cheese, taco sauce, additional toppings. Or do whatever the hell you want. It’s a taco, not rocket science.

The bean-spillage was intentional. I think it gives the plate an artistic flair.

Like I said above, the taco didn’t hold up so well. That’s when I resorted to making a taco salad by breaking up the (already broken) shell. Ta-da!

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Sausage Tacos" post.

A final farewell to Staten Island...

So as you may recall from my last post, I lost the house I was supposed to be moving into, and then I lost my apartment. Lately, I've seen the back of more Uhaul trucks than...a truck-stop hooker who specializes in Uhaul trucks? Apparantly, I've lost even my knack for putting together a decent simile.

Anyway, The Homeless Chef has been without her computer for quite awhile. I'm back in Manhattan (for now), with an even smaller kitchen than I had before. Not even kidding. The refrigerator is in the living room.

It's only right that this post be written in memorium of my past year-and-a-half in Staten Island. Ah, Staten Island. What can I say? You've given me so many great memories. Being the vast Guido-haven that you are, I guess I was destined to live on you at some point in my life.

I spent my first unemployed days in this beautiful garbage-dump of a borough, with plenty of idle hours (since none of you assholes ever visited me) to wander around glamorous supermarkets, such as Key Foods. It was my privilege to pay top-dollar for shitty food (at least until I discovered that I could buy Mexican brands for half the price), and wait for hours in line while people attempted to pay with their food stamps and welfare checks.

And I learned to cook.

I mean, I've always cooked. But who has time (or energy) to prepare an extravagant, 3-course-meal after working allllll day? My unemployed days in Staten Island granted me endless hours to experiment with new foods, new recipes, and a new type of food blog. And the best part? I've received Unemployment through it all...and the same salary that I was making at my old job. Tough life.

Although I lived on the north shore of Staten Island (slightly different demographic), I wanted to honor the rest of "Staten Italy" with the ultimate Italian tailgating meal--Sausage & Peppers. It doesn't get more Eye-talian (or easy) than Sausage & Peppers. I think my mom made it for every "Culture Day" that I had in school. In order to transform this Italian staple into a "grillable, easy-to-eat-in-the-parking-lot-or-during-the-game" snack, I prepared this week's Sausage & Peppers "tailgate-style." That is, in a hot dog bun. Really, this shouldn't even qualify as a recipe. It's painful to even write out steps for this. This doesn't count as cooking. This is lame.

I just really wanted a reason to post this sweet Family Guy clip. Yes, another Family Guy clip. I think I can find a Family Guy clip that fits every one of my posts. I won't, because you'll grow tired of them, but for now...deal with it.

P.S.

I just joined Twitter. I'm not really sure how it works yet, but I discovered a few random followers of my blog were "tweeting" my posts (thanks, by the way!). So here I am.

If you read this, follow me here @Tess_T_Tweets

But don't actually follow me. I punch balls.

P.S.S.

As you might recognize, these pictures were taken in my old kitchen. AND I'm keeping my ugly green placemats just to piss off all the people who talked shit about them on Facebook! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

P.S.S.S.

I found your mom's favorite beverage:

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Italian Sausage & Peppers, Tailgate-Style

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 large yellow onion, chopped into 1-inch chunks
-2 peppers, chopped into 1-inch chunks (I used red and green. Guess I was feeling Christmas-y. I like using 2 different colors, but honestly, I just buy what's cheapest. And really, yellow peppers--I could care less if you're imported from Venezuela. You are not worth $3.99 a lb. Get over yourselves.)
-4 spicy Italian sausage links (You want them to be short and fat, not long and skinny. Like a choad.)
-4 hotdog rolls
-Olive oil

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), bring water to a boil. Once boiling, drop your sausages into the water, and boil for about 10 minutes. Remove from water, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet. Add onions, and cook for about 5 minutes, or until they are slightly softened.
-Throw peppers into the hot oil with the onions. Cook until the onions are translucent and caramelized, and the peppers are soft.


-With a slotted spoon, remove the onions and peppers from pan, and set aside.
-Keeping the burner on, add the reserved sausages to the hot oil. Fry on both sides until brown and crispy.


-Return onions and peppers to pan with sausages, cook for 1 minute.
-Place each sausage on a hotdog roll, cover with peppers and onions, and fuhgetaboutit (You know I had to at least once).

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read my latest post.

Turkey Got Back

I have so many excuses for delaying this blog post. Probably the biggest one is that I'm a lazy asshole. Because you don't want to hear them anyway, I'll list the rest of my excuses for you.

• A squirrel or something ate my cable line, and I lost both my internet and cable service. I hope that squirrel at least wrote up a recipe for that shit. Electrical cords, with a side of acorns. Sounds delicious! Bastards.
  
  
• It was, what, 70 degrees last week? In October? After 3 weeks of 40 degrees and rain? I could care less when my internet was repaired.
  
  
• I was mad at the world for the past 2 weeks. Some of that is explained in the next 2 bullets.
  
  
• As you might recall from this post (and my cute little rage-rant in this post), I was supposed to be moving. And getting a real kitchen. And a HOUSE. With actual living space. I could almost bear dealing with incompetant real estate agents and dickwad vendors (our mortgage guy was cool, so no insult for him) knowing that in the end, it would all be worth it. Except our sellers' agent dropped the ball completely (JEFF MARTIN BLOWS GOATS), and our appraiser (I'd shout out that bitch too if I knew his name) just straight up didn't do his job, so the sellers backed out. Which leads to my second bullet...
  
  
• So we already paid for a lot of things we can't get back. And you know how cheap I am, so that frustrates me to no end. Oh, and since we told our landlord we'd be out of our apartment by October 16th, she got a new tenant. The Unemployed Chef suddenly became The Homeless Chef. I guess, on the bright side, it adds to my trashy edge even more. At least there's no more worries of me"selling-out."
  
  
• For good measure, I'll also add that the Jets lost to the Bills last week. Really? As you may already know, I'm a tailgate blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, and I knew off the bat that last week's post would be a conflict of interest. But I didn't know I'd have to be the humble one. You can check out the post here.

For all of the reasons above, I feel like an ass. Which leads me to the following recipe... (Scroll down for ass references)

Yeah, burgers are perfect tailgate food. But you already know that. With all the Thanksgiving discounts and ads (it's not even November yet!), I started thinking...hmmm...Turkey Burger? But that makes me think of diets and "healthy" alternatives, and that makes me sad.

Well, if the Turkey Burger is huge, and covered in bacon, cheese, onions, and other masses of lard covered goodness....I guess that could be acceptable. And tailgate worthy.

That's where I came up with...

...the BIG-ASS Turkey Burger.

Don't worry. It's a lot of meat (or bird). And it really is a big-ass burger. But you'll be fine. I threw in lettuce and tomatoes, so that makes it a salad...right? That stops it from being a total heart attack....RIGHT?!

But really, don't worry. Or you'll sound like this.

Here's the best part--I don't even have a grill at the moment. How sad is that? So I thought I would be extra sophisticated and break out the George Foreman. We all know it's not a classy meal unless El Jorge is somehow involved.

Read on to see how you can bring a touch of class and elegance (and the best-tasting, least-healthy turkey burger you've ever tasted) to your homies before the game.

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Big-Ass Turkey Burger

Makes 2 big-ass burgers
Ingredients
-1 lb ground turkey meat
-4 slices swiss cheese
-5 scallions, green parts only, finely chopped
-1 small yellow onion, cut into small strips
-4 slices bacon
-1 beefsteak tomato
-2 kaiser rolls
-Romaine lettuce leaves, torn
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fry bacon in a frying pan or skillet until crisp. Remove from pan, lying on paper towels, and set aside. Be sure to reserve bacon grease in pan.
-Add chopped onion to hot bacon grease, and fry until caramelized (translucent and browned on the edges). Remove from pan, and set aside.


-Meanwhile, add ground turkey to a mixing bowl, and separate with hands. Season with salt, pepper, and chopped scallions, and mix thoroughly. You know, get all up in that bitch. Massage your meat!
-Before forming your turkey burgers, roll your ground turkey into two balls, or ass cheeks, as demonstrated below. This will make the meat easier to smash down into even, circular patties. It also allows you to take fun pictures, such as this one, or perhaps one with a cucumber in the middle for good measure.


-Plug in your George Foreman, and let it heat up. I know the George Foreman comes with something to collect the grease, so it doesn't splatter all over your kitchen, but I couldn't find it. So I used the top of a Chinese-takeout container. Crafty?


-Form your burger (you can only do 1 at a time on the Foreman...sorry), place on your "grill," and close. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side, or until the burger is cooked through. Obviously, the thicker the burger, the longer it will take.


-Meanwhile, preheat your oven for 250°. Place your (split) Kaiser roll on a metal oven tray, and pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the roll is just toasted.
-Remove rolls from the oven, and top with burger, and 2 slices swiss cheese. Pop back into the oven for 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Top with lettuce and a thick slice of tomato.

-Finish the burger off with 2 slices of bacon, and a nice pile of caramelized onions. There goes any connotation that this may actually be a healthy burger.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

You can read me latest post (which contains both the recipe above and my utter embarassment of the Jets loss) here.

Heaven on Earth. Or, in this case, on Italian bread.

A few weeks ago, my cousin Jude messaged me via Facebook chat to tell me about a "heavenly" meatball sub that he created. Listen, when you look this good in a skimpy little number like this, the secrets of your nourishment must be shared to the world.

But seriously, his creation really did sound pretty heavenly. With the addition of ricotta cheese, the meatball-parm sub magically morphs into baked ziti (minus the ziti, and plus meatballs and bread). And as an added bonus, it could be made from leftovers. Since I'm pretty much the laziest piece of crap ever (I'll be celebrating my 1-year Unemployment Anniversary in 2 weeks), I like leftovers.

Usually, when I make my weekly batch of sauce, I'll make some meatballs for the hell of it. Spaghetti and meatballs go together almost as harmoniously as the Unemployed Chef and government money. Plus they make the sauce taste delicious (meatballs, that is...not government money).

But do me a favor. Please, please don't use jar sauce. You will break my little Italian heart. It's easy to make your own sauce (even for a lazy bastard like me). And you can make a big ass batch in advance. You can find my recipe, along with a rage-filled anecdote detailing my hatred towards jar sauce, here.

Seriously, don't use jar sauce. The Unemployed Chef doesn't want to have to choke a bitch.

If you're gonna steal my sauce recipe, you might as well steal my meatball recipe.

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Meatballs

Makes about 20 meatballs

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-4-5 slices Italian bread, dampened and broken up into small pieces (or 1 cup seasoned Italian breadcrumbs, such as 4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs)
-1 egg, beaten
-Oil, for frying (Canola oil is fine. I used olive oil, because that was what I had.)
-3/4-1 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano (or Peccorino Romano) cheese
-Dried parsley flakes
-Dried oregano
-Garlic powder
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Place ground beef in a large bowl, and break up with hands.


-Add bread or breadcrumbs, and mix until evenly distributed.
-Slowly add the beaten egg to the meat-and-bread mixture, mixing as you go along. You don't want to overdo it. No one likes soggy balls. Or dry balls for that matter. Once the meat feels "moist" enough to roll (and hold together), stop.
-Season your meat-bread-egg mixture "to taste." I put that in quotations, because, well...most of the Western world doesn't condone tasting raw ground beef. You'll live. Trust me. But if you're gonna be a bitch about it, throw in about a cup of cheese, a few dashes each of parsley flakes, garlic powder, salt and pepper, and a pinch of oregano. That should do the trick.


-Start rolling the seasoned meat-bread-egg mixture into meatballs. They should fit into the palm of your hand. Unless you have gigantic hands that warrant meatballs which resemble small globes. In that case, use someone else's hands as a measuring guide.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan, and then a little more) over medium heat. Once the oil is nice and hot, add meatballs to your pan (you will probably have to do these in 2 or 3 separate batches). You want the outside of your balls to be nice and crispy, but not burnt. I'd say, 5 minutes on the top and bottom (2-3 minutes on the sides) will do them good.


-After the meatballs are fried to perfection, remove them from the oil and rest them between two paper towels (to soak up excess oil and allowed them to solidify).



After these are done, heat up some sauce, drop in yo' balls, and you're good to go.

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"Heavenly" Baked-Ziti-Style Meatball Subs

Makes 1 serving

Ingredients
-Half a loaf of Italian bread
-3 meatballs (see recipe above)
-1 cup marinara sauce (If your balls are already simmering in a pot of sauce, just scoop them out...no need to measure sauce)
-Mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced (about 2-3 slices)
-3 big spoonfuls of ricotta cheese
-Shredded cheese, such as Parmigiano Reggiano, Pecorino Romano, or Asiago

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350º F.
-Cut Italian bread down the center, lengthwise. Leave bread together on one side, to hold your sub together.
-Place mozzarella slices along your bread, and place open sub on a metal roasting pan. Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Place meatballs on top of the melted mozzarella.
-Layer ricotta cheese on top of your meatballs, spreading it out for even distribution. Sprinkle with shredded cheese.

-Close up your sub, push down, and you're done.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! (Which might be an issue when they play the Jets next Sunday)

The "Heavenly Meatball Sub" recipe above was originally featured here. Check it out.

Up your butt, Jobu.

As I mentioned about a week ago, the Unemployed Chef is making major moves. Moves that may actually earn me a real kitchen. With counter space. With cupboards. Hey, you fantasize about threesomes; I fantasize about cutting boards and spice racks. I'm easy to excite, I guess.

Of course, nothing good comes easily. Consider this "big move" to be an upscale, overpriced meal (although this economy cuts a slight discount), served with a complimentary side of stress, annoyance, and the urge to go on a mass shooting spree. I have a very low tolerance for douchebags, paperwork, and incompetent people--and I'm up to my chin in all three at the moment. But I've mastered the perfect way to swim through this douchy trio. It's called "massive amounts of alcohol for breakfast."

For those who can't handle their liquor (pathetic), I've also perfected the art of using food as an explicit metaphor. Telling someone to "shove it up their ass" is weak. Physically shoving something up an anal cavity? Now that's making a statement.

I know this poor, helpless chicken isn't to blame, but a girl can dream, can't she?

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Beer Butt Chicken

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 whole roasting chicken (I doubled up... so that would be... 2 roasting chickens? I was never good at math.)
-1 (12 ounce) can of beer (Any beer works... I used Budweiser)
-Poultry seasoning of your choice (I used Mrs. Dash Southwest Chipotle Seasoning Blend on one chicken, and Mrs. Dash Garlic & Herb Seasoning Blend on the other. The Southwest Chipotle kicks ass.) If you don't feel like buying poultry seasoning, you can make your own dry rub easily with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika.

Steps
-Wash chickens thoroughly and remove insides (gizzards, heart, liver...all that good stuff). I don't care what you do with them, but in this recipe, your chicken has no internal organs. Your chicken is an alcoholic. It's insides are beer.
-Cover chicken skins generously with poultry seasoning, rubbing the seasoning into its inside and all of its crevices (yeah baby).



-Preheat your grill to medium heat.
-Here's the fun part: Open your beer, and chug half of it. Be sure to have more beer on hand. Since you have no self control, you'll probably down the entire thing. In that case, open another can of beer, and chug half of it.
-Hold the half-empty (or is it half-full? No, half-empty--I'm pessimistic) beer can right-side-up, and hold the chicken's "opening" open. As you can see, you might need an extra hand or 2.
-I'm trying to find a tasteful way to write this next step, but I can't. Shove your beer can up the chicken's ass.


-Keeping the beer can (and the chicken) right side up, place your drunken slut of a chicken on the grill.


-Cook chicken for a good 3 hours. Remove beer can, and serve. The skin should be crispy, and the insides should be moist (I believe that warrants another "yeah baby") from all of the evaporated beer.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! The Beer Butt Chicken recipe above was originally featured here.

Victory is mine!

It's important to always have a meal you can whip up in 10 minutes or less, just in case guests show up unexpectedly.

Lately, for me, that's been Mediterranean-Style Orzo. Also, I'm lying. I live in Staten Island. No one visits me.

A month ago, however, my boyfriend's little brother called and said he was driving up from Ocean City, Maryland, and would be over for dinner. I asked him what he would like, and he said, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." I specifically asked him if there are any foods he disliked and refused to eat, to which he repeated, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." Jackpot. I don't need to go shopping.

However, when our guest of "honor" arrived four hours late, he informed me that he "doesn't eat feta cheese or olives."

So I guess this is a horrible example of how Mediterranean-Style Orzo is an quick, easy meal befitting for all guests. Oh.

The real reason I wanted to share this story is because it gives me a chance for revenge. If you tell me you eat everything, and then inform me later you do not eat specific foods (which just so happen to be 2 major ingredients in my dinner), I will photoshop cutouts of your head on random bodies. And post them on my blog. And if (in my opinion) you have a resemblence to Michael Phelps (with a sweet Hitler mustache), those random bodies belong to Michael Phelps.
Go for the gold, baby!

This is probably unwarranted, because he ate 3 dishes anyway.

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Mediterranean-Style Orzo

Makes 4-8 servings (depending on whether it's a side or a main dish...or if you're a pig)

Ingredients

-1 lb Orzo

-1 or 2 handfuls Calamata Olives, sliced in half lenthwise (This is a family recipe...we don't do measurements)
-3-4 handfuls baby spinach leaves

-Feta cheese, crumbled

-4 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil

-1 lemon

-Salt & pepper

Steps

-In a deep pasta pot, boil salted water for orzo, and cook until al dente. Meanwhile, lightly brown garlic in olive oil (enough to coat a frying pan or skillet) over low heat.

This cooks quickly, so have everything portioned, sliced, and ready to go. Mad props for using toaster as counter space.

-Drain orzo. Before adding orzo back to its pot, transfer browned garlic and oil from its pan to the bottom of the pot. Add spinach to the garlic and oil, and mix to coat.
-Pour hot orzo on top of spinach, garlic, and oil. Cover and let sit for 1 minute. The steam from the orzo will instantly cook the spinach.

-Stir orzo, spinach, garlic and oil until well blended. Add olives, a squeeze of lemon juice, and stir again. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Add feta cheese crumbles (however much you like), mix again, and serve.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Click here to see my latest tailgating recipe, along with pictures of me shoving a beer can up a chicken's ass.