Wait for it...

In my last post, I told you to sit and wait for my chili recipe. And you might just have to keep sitting and waiting (I like to play hard to get), because the Unemployed Chef is making some major moves. Although I set up shop originally in my hellhole kitchen (in Staten Island, to add insult to injury), the Unemployed Chef will be relocating within the next few months.

I've come to grips with the fact that I might actually have a real kitchen. But my fear is that I'll lose some of my trashy, low-budget appeal. Half of my miserable, sarcastic ramblings stem from the frustration of cooking in a cramped, fugly kitchen with zero counter space (and using my radiator as a cutting board).

Question is, will the open-layout of a real kitchen change me?

Nah, I'm still a bitch, and I'll always be miserable. That's just in my genetic makeup. I promise I'll stay just as rude and sarcastic as I've always been, and I'll continue to pepper my meals with dirty jokes and sexual innuendos.

You know what, since the Jets are 3-0, I'm in a good mood. You can finally have that chili recipe. Plus I ate it on their first regular season game (they were at Houston, so chili was befitting, actually), and it apparently brought them some good luck. Also, I stole the recipe from Men's Health (mad THIEF status son!), so it's not like I'm giving away some great family secret or anything. Unless editor-in-cheif David Zinczenko is secretly my daddy. (Any confessions, Mom? Get Maury Povich on this shit, STAT!)

I have to leave out some of this recipe's "instructional" photos, for aesthetic reasons. I've come to the realization that chili looks remarkably like diarreah. But at least it doesn't look as gross as this:



LOOK. AT. THAT. It's a wet hemmoroid on a platter! Delicious!

---

Chili Con Carne

Makes about 8-10 servings, if you're serving over rice

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-2 medium yellow onions, diced
-4 cloves garlic, minced
-4 15-oz cans kidney beans (I usually use 2 dark red cans and 2 light red cans)
-3 cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes (I used Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes with Garlic)
- 2 1/2 cups chicken stock (If you're using canned broth, that's about 2 10.75 ounce cans)
-2 ounces dark chocolate (Yes, dark chocolate. Not a typo. Trust.)
-Chili powder
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Cinnamon
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat a skillet or frying pan over medium-high heat. Add ground beef to pan, breaking it up with a fork or spatula.
-Meanwhile, add kidney beans (rinsed and drained), diced tomatoes (plus juice), and chicken stock to a deep pot or dutch oven (ha). Slowly start to simmer the beans, tomatoes, and stock over low heat.



-Once the ground beef is browned, transfer it to the pot, reserving fat. Add onion to the reserved fat, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic, and cook everything together until the onions are just beginning to caramelize and the garlic is just beginning to brown. Transfer to the pot.
-Add spices and chocolate to the pot. I'm not listing measurements for the spices, because it's really all about personal preferences. Plus, if you're heavy handed with the seasonings (like me), you'll probably keep adding seasonings as you go along. I go heavy on the chili powder and cumin; easy on the cinnamon. The cayenne will determine the spiciness (or wimpiness) of your chili. Lower the pot's heat to a simmer, and cook for an hour or more. Once the chili heats up, the spices will intensify (and the chocolate will melt), so keep tasting and adjusting your seasoning accordingly. It shouldn't be an issue--you know you're a greedy bitch like me, who can't wait an hour for that shit to simmer.
-I think this chili tastes better the next day, but if you're so hungry that the video posted above actually stimulated your appetite, serve chili immediately over white rice, and garnish with cheddar cheese.

NOTE: Serve chili over rice with a SLOTTED SPOON. This chili is very soupy, and I know most recipes and restaurants create chili this way, but I DON'T. I do, however, cook it with lots of liquid, and store the leftovers with the liquid, so that the beef/beans don't get dried out when you reheat them.

---

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Check out my latest post, which was originally featured here.

Football season is finally here!

Watching the Jets assassinate the Texans just feels sweeter over a giant bowl of chili and an ice cold beer...several ice cold beers.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to pig out on fried chicken, ribs, dips, and anything you can put on a grill.

But I'm sure you'll be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love tailgating foods. You'll have to stay tuned for my chili recipe (sit and wait BITCH!), but hopefully this will keep you salivating in the meantime:

Buffalo Hot Wings on the...Grill?

I know, I know—Buffalo Wings are meant for the deep fryer. So WTF is this grilled crap? Am I actually trying to make wings healthy? Sacrilege!

Truth be told, grilled wings are actually pretty freakin’ awesome. Yeah, they’re a little less fatty, but that’s why you wash them down with 5 gallons of beer. Health problem solved.

And for my male readers (I know a bunch of you closet kitchen-bitches read this!), grilling is the epitome of manliness.

Warning: These babies take about an hour to grill, and require a lot of attention. But I stood in front of the grill in 100+ degrees in the middle of the desert to make these. So SUCK IT UP.

---

Grilled Buffalo Hot Wings

Ingredients
-3 pounds chicken wings/drumsticks
-1 bottle (12 fluid ounce) hot sauce (I used Frank’s RedHot Buffalo Wings Sauce…mmm.)
-1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle Coca-Cola or Pepsi (or RC…you cheap bastard.)
-1 tbsp soy sauce
-Dash of cayenne pepper (The more you add, the hotter your wings will be… Don’t be a little bitch.)

Steps
-In a disposable pan (or a pan you don’t mind destroying on your grill), mix hot sauce, soda, soy sauce, and cayenne pepper. Add wings, and toss to coat.
-Preheat your grill to medium heat. Place your pan off to one side of the grill, and let your hot sauce/soda/soy/cayenne mixture come to a simmer. (Bubbles…look for bubbles.)


Oh, and I wasn't lying about grilling out in the desert.

-Once your pan mixture is poppin’ bub-a-lee (90's rap reference HOLLLLLA!), use your grill tongs to take the wings out of the sauce mixture and place them directly on the grill. If there’s not enough room, leave half of them in the pan. Grill for 5 minutes, flip over, and grill for another 5.

Half the wings go on the grill. 5 minutes, flip...
...and then another 5 minutes.
-Return grilled wings to pan, and simmer for another 10 minutes. If you still have half your wings in the pan, now’s the time to grill up those bad boys.

SWITCH!
-Repeat this tedious process for about an hour, or until the wings are done to your liking (I prefer crispy skin, with the chicken falling off the bone). It took me 6 processes, grilling half of the wings at a time. So, each half-batch of wings was grilled 3 times for 10 minutes, and simmered 3 times for 10 minutes. Are you completely confused yet?
-For superhot, it’s-gonna-burn-to-go-to-the-bathroom wings, dip finished wings back in your sauce mixture before serving. For medium-hot wings, serve them straight off the grill (pansy).

---

BONUS!

Be sure to check out the following website, which just went live this morning:

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! You can check out my first post here.

Thanks for your support!

Merry Moroccan Christmas to all my Ho Ho HOEZ!

Listen, I've been busy. Unemployment is a full-time job.

But I'm never too busy to throw a dope recipe your way.

The inspiration for this dish was Season 10, Episode 5 of The Office: "Moroccan Christmas." If you don't watch The Office, this will mean nothing to you (Then again, if you don't watch The Office, you mean nothing to me--who doesn't watch The Office?).
To quote Phyllis (and who wouldn't want to quote her--look how sexy she is):

"This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate."

Lucious Phyllis. Knit away, boo.

I believe this somehow ties into my chicken dish.

Actually, this holds no relevence at all, because I didn't invent this dish and it's most likely not even Moroccan.

I'm embarassed to admit this to you, readers, but this is actually a 'modified' Rachael Ray recipe. Blasphemy! I know, I know. I'm sorry. But at least it gives me an excuse to post this:

6 minutes and 45 seconds of Rachael Ray farting--ENJOY!

---

Moraccan Chicken Thighs and Couscous

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-About 5 or 6 pieces boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-1 box couscous (I used Near East's Toasted Pine Nut)
-2 medium yellow onions
-4 cloves garlic
-2 lemons
-2 1/2 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods, of course)
-2 tbsp paprika
-2 tsp turmeric powder
-2 tsp cumin
-Dash of cinnamon
-1 cup green olives, pitted or with pimentos
-Olive oil
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Dice onions, finely chop garlic cloves, and thinly slice 1 lemon. Set aside.
-Wash and cut chicken thighs into smaller pieces (you should be halving the thighs, or cutting each into thirds).
-Heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. In a small bowl, mix paprika, turmeric powder, cumin, and cinnamon.
-Drop chicken pieces into the spice mixture, and add to the hot oil. Fry chicken for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove chicken from pan, cover, and set aside.

-Keeping your flame on medium high, add the onions, garlic, and lemon slices to the heated oil. Some of the spices should have soaked into the oil, giving everything a sexy yellow color. Usually when I'm cooking, my boyfriend will walk in and say something along the lines of, "Mmmmmm smells good." This meal envoked this: "The house reeks of B.O." Don't worry--that just means you're on the right track.


-Cook your onions, garlic, and lemons for about 10 minutes, until the onions are soft and translucent. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, to taste.
-At this point, you can start preparing your couscous as according to their packaging's directions.
-Add your reserved chicken back to your pan, with the onions, garlic, and lemon. Add chicken stock and juice of 1 lemon, and cover. Simmer over low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until chicken pieces are cooked through.

Yeah, this looks like crap, but so does chili. And you like chili, right?

-Remove pan from heat, and stir in your olives. Your couscous should be ready at the same time (Aren't you glad I told you to start preparing that shit? Now nothing has to sit and get cold. You're welcome.)
-Pour broth over chicken and couscous, and serve.

Mmmmmm. Or as Rachael Ray would say, "Vrrrrrrrrrt!"