Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-cohol

OK, so if you haven't noticed, both football season and Oktoberfest are officially here. Yours truely has been spending a lot more time drinking than cooking. From the bottom of my blackened liver, I am deeply, deeply sorry. But you'll get over it.

When I start brewing my own beer, I'll have a recipe for you. Until then...

...

...this is all I've got.


(I apologize to everyone who I've sent this to repeatedly over the past 4 years. Actually, I take that back. You should be graciously thanking me for blessing your eyes with this equisite Norwegian beauty's stark white ass. So...you're welcome.)

Can't Beat This Meat

Some of you may wonder why I have so few (red) meat recipes on here. Allow me to explain. I am a vegetarian by no means. Nor am I healthy. I am just poor. Red meat is expensive, and therefore, reserved for special occasions. (I used to have this rule for alchohol, until "special occasions" became "it's 2:47 PM" and "I'm blogging.")

My mom also yelled at me for not cooking enough meat for the BF. "He's a big boy, he needs some meat!" Does she not realize we currently live in Chelsea, NYC? If he needs meat, he can get it--but I'm pretty sure that leaves me out of the picture.

There was, however, a brief period of time where I discovered cheap red meat in NYC--Western Beef. In particular, the Western Beef on 16th St by the Fulton projects. Where steak costs less than a small box of cereal. Low and behold, there were about 4-5 months where "steak night" became as ritual as, well, this:



Then we had a summer that hovered consistantly at 95 degrees--Swamp ass galore! Seeing as Western Beef is pretty far from my house, and my lazy ass refuses to walk in jungle weather with heavy bags...let's just say it's been a pasta kind of summer.

Then one day it was slightly less swampy-assy outside. I decided my household deserved a little dead animal on its dinner table. So I decided to STRUT THAT ASS* over to Western Beef. I brought home an extremely cheap family pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs, which leaked all over my clothes on the trek home. I opened the packaging (which was basically already open, seeing as I could have won a salmonella wet T-shirt contest), and caught a whiff of ROTTEN EGGS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I strutted that ass for bad chicken???!!! Western Beef, you are now on my shit-list with Gristedes. I hate you. And I retract my ass-strut. Never again.

*I really just wanted to post this video up here. Yeah, I know it's old news. I don't care.



And of course, the auto-tune version:




Well, I was browsing through old photos, when Western Beef and I were still homies, and got a little sentimental. Here's an example of the good times that you and I once shared. You will miss me now that I'm gone.

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Marinaded Steak with Wilted Spinach

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1 lb. round steak, thinly sliced (It will usually be labeled as "Pepper Steak." Ask your butcher to slice it for you if you can't find it presliced. After a little marinading, this CHEAP cut of beef still tastes awesome. But you can also substitute flank or skirt steak for the round, if that's your preference.)
-1/4 c Red wine (I used a Sangiovese by Il Bastardo. There was no reasoning behind this--it was the cheapest wine in the liquor store.)
-1/4 c Reduced-sodium soy sauce, plus a little extra
-2 Garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
-2 tsp Sugar
-Peanut oil (You can use whatever you have on hand, but this is what I used)
-4-5 "big handfuls" of spinach
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Jasmine rice (optional)

Steps
-Rinse/dry steak slices, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.


-In a large, non-reactive bowl, combine first 5 ingredients. Cover and leave out at room temperature for about an hour.

-Heat oil in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. Add steak to pan, in intervals if needed (to avoid crowding the pan), cooking slices a minute per side for medium rare. (The wine cooks the meat slightly, and it continues to cook when removed from heat, anyway). Remove from heat and let rest.


-Meanwhile, in a saucepan with raised sides, bring salted water to a boil. Add spinach to pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Drain and return to the pan, seasoning with soy sauce, salt, and pepper, to taste.
-If you are preparing the Jasmine rice, cook according to package directions. Seriously, I'm not telling you how to cook rice. It's right on the packaging. And if you are not literate, why are you on my blog anyway? The sexy photos and Youtube videos that have nothing to do with the featured recipe?

Yeah, that's probably it.

Here ya go:

DON'T HATE. MARINATE.

Pork + Cherries = Too many obvious jokes.

I still remember my very first post. I created this blog solely because my new camera had a "Gourmet Food" setting. (Side note: The only reason I received a new camera was because Ken--the BF--dropped my old one in Norway during a parade, where it not only smashed screen-first onto the concrete sidewalk, but additionally got trampled by a stampede of giant Vikings. This = you buy me a new camera, bitch.)

Little did I know that any of you losers (love you guys!) would actually be interested in this cesspool of crap. And that I would still be entertaining you losers (again, I say this out of love) today.

Sometimes I don't blog for a week or so, and then conjure up some random greatness out of nowhere ("out of nowhere" = "I'm probably drinking"). And I get that rush like I'm starting a whole new blog.

I feel like I'm popping my (blog's) cherry all over again.

I really want this metaphor to work, because I have no idea how else to introduce a recipe like Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction. Sex and fart jokes are all I've got.

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Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction

PS: Totally stole this shizz from here.

Makes 2 pork chops

Ingredients
-2 Bone-in center cut pork chops, about 1 inch thick
-2 tbsp red wine/red wine vinegar (which is what I used, because I didn't have any red wine on hand. Alcohol doesn't last long in my house.)
-Butter (about 3 tbsp)
-2 shallots, chopped
-1/4 c beef broth
-1 1/2 - 2 c frozen pitted black cherries, defrosted (reserve juice)
-A *sprinkle* of dried rosemary leaves (I'm sure fresh would be even better)
-Olive oil (or whatever you have an hand)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil over medium high heat. Season your pork chops with salt, pepper, and whatever other goodies you like (I tend to use a little garlic powder or paprika).

-Add pork chops to the hot oil (1 at a time, if you have a mini-skillet like me--frying evenly is more important than efficiency), cooking for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove from pan and place in a glass baking dish.


-Bake pork chops at 350° for about 20 minutes, or until they are cooked through.
-Meanwhile, reserving the luscious pork chop grease, reheat pan over medium heat, adding butter. Twirl pan until butter is melted and covers entire surface.
-Add chopped shallots and defrosted cherries + juice to the pan. Cook for about 2-3 minutes, until shallots are tender but not brown.


-Add red wine/red wine vinegar and beef broth to pan, and cook (stirring occasionally) until mixture simmers.
-Add rosemary, and continue to simmer until sauce reduces. Season with salt and pepper to taste, and pour over baked pork chops.

Whole Foods Hummus....Sexy, Single & FREE!

Ehhh... I don't know if this qualifies as a post. Perhaps this is more of a "Hey-guess-what-I-did-today" ramble that I really want to share, but no one cares. So you'll be the ones to suffer.

Due to the gap in my regular blogging, I can't quite remember if I've divulged my love/hate relationship with Whole Foods to my loyal readers. If I have, here is some repetition.

OK, Whole Foods: For the most part, it's incredibly overpriced, and I could give a shit if my food is organic. However, everything in Manhattan is overpriced...and the food in Whole Foods is usually pretty good ("Usually"="except for that time I ate almost an entire case of arugula before I noticed 3 dead ladybugs at the bottom." Yeah, I guess it's better than roaches--the usual NYC fare. But I would prefer the pesticides to the bugs.)

That being said, certain things actually are cheaper at Whole Foods than in the typical Manhattan chains. For instance, take Gristedes. You know what, Gristedes just overall sucks and the food is usually expired. Don't give them your business. Ken (the BF) shops here because he's lazy, and it's right downstairs, which pisses me off. Giving in to the MAN! Exactly what "he" wants. Ken also shops here because the evening-shift checkout lady calls him "baby" and says he looks like a red-headed "Dexter." (He doesn't.)

Earlier today, I found a Whole Foods coupon for a free container of hummus with any $25.00 purchase (and let's be real, with NYC prices, that's a box of cereal). So you know my cheap ass strutted on over simply because, well...it's FREE.


I bet it tastes delicious. Everything free does. Maybe that's why hookers are never as enjoyable (or so I hear).

Anyway, I found these OLD photos of some hummus I made awhile back, and figured today's episode would be a good reason to give them some face time. It's actually "bootleg" hummus, since I had no tahini paste (nor any desire to buy some), and I used peanut butter instead. STFU. No one could tell the difference.

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The Unemployed Chef's Bootleg Hummus (that tastes like non-bootleg hummus, IMO)

Makes 1 small bowl of hummus. I mean, how much can you eat at once? It's beans. You'll poop your pants.

Ingredients
-1 12-oz can chick peas/garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed (reserving liquid)
-1-2 garlic cloves, minced
-1 tbsp lemon juice (fresh)
-1 tbsp peanut butter
-1 tbsp olive oil
-Dash of cumin
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Paprika (optional)

Steps
-Place the first 7 ingredients in a blender or food processor (reserve a few chickpeas if you want to be "fancy," as in my exquisite photo below).
-Puree until smooth. If mixture is too thick, add reserved chickpea liquid as needed.
-"Garnish" (fancy-pants) with paprika and reserved chickpeas, if ya want.

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Here's a little extra You Don't Miss With The Zohan/Hummus goodness. Enjoy.

Wake up and smell the... carbs/liquor.

AMERICA. The land of freedom, baseball, apple pie, obesity, and the Drunken Brunch. I don't get it. Europeans have mastered the art of the siesta, and serve alcohol at McDonald's, but dismiss the Drunken Brunch. Well, they'll catch up soon enough, since it seems that all trends make it there, eventually. Like in 2005, when I lived in Rome, and mullets were just starting to grace those sweet Italian heads.


Real photos:

Rome 2005

Barcelona, 2005

I threw in a Spanish mullet for good measure. I know the guy on the right is mull-free, but he's sexy so he stays.

But enough of that. Back to the drunken brunch. To me, there is nothing better in this world then stumbling out of bed at noon, only to return to bed an hour later in a carb/alcohol-induced coma.

Allow me to introduce my Drunken Brunch staple-- The Strata. Eggs, Bread, Cheese, Meat. A hint of veggies. Your whole day's food pyramid, shoved into one meal. And washed down (stay tuned) with some of the good stuff.

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Sausage, Onion, & Spinach Strata

Enough to serve 6-8 people. Even greedy bastards like me. It took me a week to finish the leftovers.

Ingredients
-8 eggs
-8 thick slices sourdough bread, cut into small cubes
-2 cups milk
-About 4-6 medium hot Italian sausage links, casings removed
-1 large or 2 medium Spanish onions, diced
-2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
-About 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
-Olive oil
-Dash of dry mustard
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Arrange bread cubes in a glass baking dish.


-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook until translucent. Remove from pan, and spread over bread cubes in a uniform layer.


-Using the same oil, crumble sausage into the hot frying pan, and cook until browned. Remove from pan, and layer on top of onions.


-Once again, add spinach leaves to the hot frying pan, and cook in the oil for a minute or so, stirring until leaves are wilted. Remove from pan, and layer on top of sausage.


-Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, cheese, salt and pepper. Pour mixture on top of the bread-onion-sausage-spinach pile. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.



-Before baking, remove your baking dish from the refrigerator, and allow to sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes.
-Bake at 350° for 1 hour.


(Allow Strata to sit for about 10-15 minutes before serving)

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And you didn't think I'd leave you without a little something to wash down your strata, did you? Most of my friends are fans of the Mimosa (O.J. + Champagne... Not Simpson... I feel the need to clarify because some of my readers are idiots). Yours truly, however, prefers the Bloody Mary. I find that very few people from my generation appreciate the Bloody Mary, or understand the wonders it does for hangovers (tomatoes' potassium + a "bite of the dog that bit ya").

I recently visited my friend Tambry in New Orleans, however, where locals understand the importance of starting your day with well-concocted Bloody Mary. (Then again, this is also a city that has drive through Daquiri stands).

I used to use tomato juice or V8 as my Bloody Mary's base, and avoid mixes at all costs. As you might remember from this post, your mom's libation of choice:

But Tambry turned me on to Pat O'briens Bloody Mary mix, with the New Orleans staple, a pickled green bean. F celery. Pickled greenbeans are where it's at. And maybe even a little hot pickled okra. Yum. I'm officially a fan.

New Orleans-Style Bloody Mary

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Pat O'Briens mix (or tomato juice/V8...don't worry, you're gonna spice that shizz up)

-Vodka

-Worcestershire sauce

-Lemon

-Pickled greenbeans

-Pickled okra

-Horseradish (optional)

....Really, steps for a drink?

Ugh, fine.

Steps

-Put ice in a glass.

-Pour a good amount of vodka over ice. (You know I hate measurements, and for drinks I really refuse. However much you can handle. How's that for an amount? Don't be a puss.)

-Pour Bloody Mary mix/tomato juice over vodka.

-Add a squeeze of lemon, a dash of Worcestershire, and a pinch of horseradish (if you like horseradish).
-Stir.
-Garnish (how fancy!) with a pickled green bean and/or okra pod.
-Come to the realization that alcohol can get you through your day far better than coffee or a crappy energy drink that looks/tastes like piss (not that I've tasted piss).
-Pass out after your 5th drink and form a new realization that perhaps alcohol is a better sedative than stimulant. You form this realization after you wake up with your friends taking turns giving you Arabian Goggles and photographing it.

Ya Down With A.D.D. (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)

So I meant to post this Friday, but then I got sidetracked. It's the story of my life. I have the attention span of my papito Dug from Up (see below).



While, clinically, it's probably A.D.D.; personally, it's just that you're not interesting enough to hold my attention. I mean, I once spent an entire day looking at different varieties of berries on Wikipedia (I'll be honest. I originally googled "dingleberries."), but usually, I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Some people find it to be endearing. It causes me to go off on tangents, supplying you with long, rambling blog posts. I mean, where else can you read about squash, douchy realtors, watermelon (stay tuned) and David Faustino's asshole on the same website? Well, maybe Google.com, but this is a close second.

So I spent July 4th weekend at Rusty's house, and left with 2 things--the motivation to start blogging again, and a watermelon. Like myself, Rusty enjoys a good manchowder joke, and dislikes wasting food. Combine that with my love of drunk blogging, and you get this:

Watermelon juice + vodka + ice = fine quality beverage

I'm so innovative.

Actually, this sucked. Maybe that's because I used Gordon's Vodka. Because nothing screams class/sophistication like a plastic bottle. You know how I do!

Anyhoozer, this blog is actually about pulled pork. I have no idea how to gracefully transition from watermelon to pork, and after a few Watermelontinis (sure, why not), I'm not going to try.

Unfortunately, "pulled pork" isn't another name for your peen post-masterbation. Fortunately, my version of pulled pork will give your dominant hand (for cooking, obviously) a rest, and allow you to rely entirely on your Slow Cooker. Seriously, even a slow cooker could figure out how to use a Slow Cooker.

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Pulled Pork with Homemade Barbecue Sauce

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-2 lbs pork shoulder, sliced about 1 inch thick
-2 cups ketchup
-1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
-1/4 cup brown sugar
-1 dash dry mustard
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Place pork slices in your slow cooker.

-Cover pork with the remaining ingredients.


-Cover, and cook on low for 6-8 hours, depending on the strength of your slow cooker. Mine is apparently the Hulk, since after even only a couple of hours my pot is scalding and spitting hot fluid (insert dirty joke here) out of the lid.
-Remove pork shoulder from slow cooker, and remove bones and excess fat (or don't) from the pork. Shred the remaining pork with a fork (poet and I don't know it perhaps?).

Look how bee-yoo-tee-full!
-Behold the beauty of your delicious, waiting-to-be-piled-on-split-Kaiser-rolls pulled pork.
-Eat up, Fatties!

Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:




You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.


What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

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Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

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Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!