BLACK FRIDAY BLOWS.
NOTE: I did in fact start this post on Friday, November 26th, 2010. But, of course, I then became too busy/distracted/adorable to take the time and post it online. Having to actually go out and earn a living blows, just like Black Friday. Which bring me to my next point...
(Written on 11/26/10)
Happy Black Friday!!! While you assholes are lined up from 4 AM so you can save 50¢ on a microwave or whatever, I'm "working" a double-shift on a post-Thanksgiving food hangover so I can actually afford to buy a Christmas gift or two (for myself). Yes, I'm still wearing elastic-waisted pants. And yes, I did say "working." When my motivation kicks in, you know there is something very wrong with the universe. Rough times, man. Rough times. I'll be like everyone else and blame the economy.
So I'm sure your chonies have been dampened with excitement in the anticipation of my annual Thanksgiving post, but that's not quite what I have for you today. I'll wait a minute for you to dry off.
....
Anyway, let's be real, Thanksgiving is really not about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving = Christmas is approaching. Which also = I get to start my mornings with Hot Toddy's instead of coffee. Not that I drink coffee anyway (can you really imagine me on caffeine?), but at least it gives me a reason to drink before 5 PM (or 9 AM) without judgment.
And mentioning Christmas also gives me a reason (like I need to reason) to post up photos of my GORGEOUS 2009 Christmas tree.
Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?
Angry Santa takes out frustration on innocent Gingerbread Man. Behold her RAGE!
Dejected Elf is not feeling the holiday spirit. Hang in there!
Alert Elf is watching you at all times. She sees you when you're sleeping, she knows when you're awake...
This was only here because the tree needed some real SEX appeal.
I don't even know what to say about this one. I was double-mad at her for not returning my calls.
Mairead the Red-Nosed Irish Whore.
Unemployed Santa needed a new way to pay for gifts this year...
Smooth Santa getz all da ladiez.
Perplexed Elf is in a conundrum over how to put together wooden soldiers..
However, these stunning ornaments were not only beautiful and selfless gifts for my wonderful friends. They also served as a warning. If one failed to remove his or her head by Christmas Eve, there were serious consequences. Whomever's heads remained on my tree on Christmas morning were to be defaced in the following ways:
a) Destruction by fire
b) Destruction by urination
c) Defacing image with multiple penis drawings
d) Running over ornament with car or other large vehicle
e) All of the above
There were, in fact, 2 stupid remaining heads that I woke up to last Christmas morning. I have been waiting since last December, 2009, plotting their ultimate destruction. This Christmas, I will be in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, with plenty of room (and privacy) for public fire (and urination) without arson charges. Feliz Navidad, bitches.
Stay tuned for a video documentary in my post following Christmas 2010.
Oh, and if your chonies still haven't dried off from earlier, here's a link to last year's "Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving" post.
a) Destruction by fire
b) Destruction by urination
c) Defacing image with multiple penis drawings
d) Running over ornament with car or other large vehicle
e) All of the above
There were, in fact, 2 stupid remaining heads that I woke up to last Christmas morning. I have been waiting since last December, 2009, plotting their ultimate destruction. This Christmas, I will be in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, with plenty of room (and privacy) for public fire (and urination) without arson charges. Feliz Navidad, bitches.
Stay tuned for a video documentary in my post following Christmas 2010.
Oh, and if your chonies still haven't dried off from earlier, here's a link to last year's "Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving" post.
The Unemployed Chef's "It's-December-so-I'm-Allowed-to-be-Drunk-on-a-Regular-Basis-and-Say-It's-to-Keep-Me-Warm" Hot Toddy
Makes 1 Serving. For alcoholics, makes .037 servings. Have more than one, you pansy. 'Tis the season. Don't disappoint Jesus.
So I started writing this and realized I already gave you a Hot Toddy recipe in last year's "Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side" post. Guess I had a few too many. Whoops. Boring for you, lucky for me. Because I'm lazy. Copy and paste time!
Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.
Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!
I had to forgo my big-ass mug for this sweet glass so you can actually see the drink.
