Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Or in this case, served hot and pan-fried, with a side of annoying)

And thus, we begin today's lesson on fish.

Also, while trying to find the rights to this image via the most reliable source on the Internet (Google Image Search, OBVIOUSLY), I came across this gem. Really, it is more likely than you think.

dailykos.com
Good fish should not smell...well, like fish. Vaginal bacterial infection scent =/= your shopping criteria when purchasing seafood.

Also, it probably shouldn't sing. But, this is inevitably what happens when you roll my squash down the hallway and smash my camera. Asshole.



(If you have no idea why I would plot revenge upon this poor Ginger man, check out this post and this video.)

That being said, a fresh piece of fish requires little work and ingredients. I mean, I don't know if I should even call the following a "recipe.". I guess it's more of a techique. Good piece of salmon + olive oil heated correctly = heaven.

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Pan-fried Salmon

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 salmon filets with skin on, 1 inch thick (This is simply my personal preference, but I prefer the long, thick [that's what she said] cuts of salmon over the wider, thinner cuts. They stay moister [I can't] throughout cooking.


-Olive oil (about 2 tbsp)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Season salmon filets with salt and pepper, rubbing the spices into the fish. Set aside (not refrigerated) for about 30 minutes prior to cooking.
-Heat a nonstick frying pan or skillet over medium low heat. Add oil to pan (swirl to coat, and allow to slowly heat up for a few minutes (this prevents you from burning your oil, which changes its taste).
-Turn the heat up to medium high for 1 minute, and then add your salmon filets to the pan, skin side up. In order to top your salmon with the perfect crispy crust (without breadcrumbs), hot oil is crucial.

-Cook for 4-5 minutes (adjust time according to thickness), and then flip filets. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes. Remove from heat, and allow fillets to sit in the pan for another minute or so (they will continue to cook).

-Serve with or without skin. (The skin will be extra crispy: salmon skin roll-quality. YOU KNOW HOW I DO!)

Pop Ya Collardz

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?


Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)



I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

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Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps


-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)



And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:



-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Sausagefest: Part II

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:


Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:


You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.


Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

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Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).


-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.


-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.


-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.