2011 = A whole month of FAIL

Wasn't I supposed to post my "Video Documentary" following Christmas 2010?

Well, February 1, 2011 follows Christmas 2010, so I kept my promise...right?

Enjoy.




Side note: Isn't this blog supposed to be about food?

Black Friday blows

Yeah, not my most imaginative title, but I'm at a loss for a humorous metaphor or witty pun that expresses the fact that...

BLACK FRIDAY BLOWS.

NOTE: I did in fact start this post on Friday, November 26th, 2010. But, of course, I then became too busy/distracted/adorable to take the time and post it online. Having to actually go out and earn a living blows, just like Black Friday. Which bring me to my next point...

(Written on 11/26/10)

Happy Black Friday!!! While you assholes are lined up from 4 AM so you can save 50¢ on a microwave or whatever, I'm "working" a double-shift on a post-Thanksgiving food hangover so I can actually afford to buy a Christmas gift or two (for myself). Yes, I'm still wearing elastic-waisted pants. And yes, I did say "working." When my motivation kicks in, you know there is something very wrong with the universe. Rough times, man. Rough times. I'll be like everyone else and blame the economy.

So I'm sure your chonies have been dampened with excitement in the anticipation of my annual Thanksgiving post, but that's not quite what I have for you today. I'll wait a minute for you to dry off.

....

Anyway, let's be real, Thanksgiving is really not about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving = Christmas is approaching. Which also = I get to start my mornings with Hot Toddy's instead of coffee. Not that I drink coffee anyway (can you really imagine me on caffeine?), but at least it gives me a reason to drink before 5 PM (or 9 AM) without judgment.

And mentioning Christmas also gives me a reason (like I need to reason) to post up photos of my GORGEOUS 2009 Christmas tree.

Glamour. Sophistication. Elegance. Class.

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

Seductive Santa. Smolder on, boo.

Angry Santa takes out frustration on innocent Gingerbread Man. Behold her RAGE!

Dejected Elf is not feeling the holiday spirit. Hang in there!

Alert Elf is watching you at all times. She sees you when you're sleeping, she knows when you're awake...

This was only here because the tree needed some real SEX appeal.

I don't even know what to say about this one. I was double-mad at her for not returning my calls.

Mairead the Red-Nosed Irish Whore.

Unemployed Santa needed a new way to pay for gifts this year...


Smooth Santa getz all da ladiez.

Perplexed Elf is in a conundrum over how to put together wooden soldiers..

Well... every tree needs a STAR on top! This one gets 2!

However, these stunning ornaments were not only beautiful and selfless gifts for my wonderful friends. They also served as a warning. If one failed to remove his or her head by Christmas Eve, there were serious consequences. Whomever's heads remained on my tree on Christmas morning were to be defaced in the following ways:

a) Destruction by fire
b) Destruction by urination
c) Defacing image with multiple penis drawings
d) Running over ornament with car or other large vehicle
e) All of the above

There were, in fact, 2 stupid remaining heads that I woke up to last Christmas morning. I have been waiting since last December, 2009, plotting their ultimate destruction. This Christmas, I will be in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, with plenty of room (and privacy) for public fire (and urination) without arson charges. Feliz Navidad, bitches.

Stay tuned for a video documentary in my post following Christmas 2010.

Oh, and if your chonies still haven't dried off from earlier, here's a link to last year's "Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving" post.

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The Unemployed Chef's "It's-December-so-I'm-Allowed-to-be-Drunk-on-a-Regular-Basis-and-Say-It's-to-Keep-Me-Warm" Hot Toddy

Makes 1 Serving. For alcoholics, makes .037 servings. Have more than one, you pansy. 'Tis the season. Don't disappoint Jesus.

So I started writing this and realized I already gave you a Hot Toddy recipe in last year's "Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side" post. Guess I had a few too many. Whoops. Boring for you, lucky for me. Because I'm lazy. Copy and paste time!

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)

As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.

-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!


-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!

I had to forgo my big-ass mug for this sweet glass so you can actually see the drink.

That's a cinnamon stick, not a turd.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Or in this case, served hot and pan-fried, with a side of annoying)

And thus, we begin today's lesson on fish.

Also, while trying to find the rights to this image via the most reliable source on the Internet (Google Image Search, OBVIOUSLY), I came across this gem. Really, it is more likely than you think.

dailykos.com
Good fish should not smell...well, like fish. Vaginal bacterial infection scent =/= your shopping criteria when purchasing seafood.

Also, it probably shouldn't sing. But, this is inevitably what happens when you roll my squash down the hallway and smash my camera. Asshole.



(If you have no idea why I would plot revenge upon this poor Ginger man, check out this post and this video.)

That being said, a fresh piece of fish requires little work and ingredients. I mean, I don't know if I should even call the following a "recipe.". I guess it's more of a techique. Good piece of salmon + olive oil heated correctly = heaven.

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Pan-fried Salmon

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 salmon filets with skin on, 1 inch thick (This is simply my personal preference, but I prefer the long, thick [that's what she said] cuts of salmon over the wider, thinner cuts. They stay moister [I can't] throughout cooking.


-Olive oil (about 2 tbsp)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Season salmon filets with salt and pepper, rubbing the spices into the fish. Set aside (not refrigerated) for about 30 minutes prior to cooking.
-Heat a nonstick frying pan or skillet over medium low heat. Add oil to pan (swirl to coat, and allow to slowly heat up for a few minutes (this prevents you from burning your oil, which changes its taste).
-Turn the heat up to medium high for 1 minute, and then add your salmon filets to the pan, skin side up. In order to top your salmon with the perfect crispy crust (without breadcrumbs), hot oil is crucial.

-Cook for 4-5 minutes (adjust time according to thickness), and then flip filets. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes. Remove from heat, and allow fillets to sit in the pan for another minute or so (they will continue to cook).

-Serve with or without skin. (The skin will be extra crispy: salmon skin roll-quality. YOU KNOW HOW I DO!)

Pop Ya Collardz

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?


Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)



I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

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Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps


-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)



And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:



-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Sausagefest: Part II

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:


Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:


You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.


Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

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Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste


Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).


-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.


-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.


-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.

WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

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Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.


With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).


-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.


Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

Does this blog post anger you? Please, let's just SQUASH the drama...

I just returned from a weekend up in the Poconos (like way up there: Lake Ariel-area, to be exact). I've been spoiled on three whole days of Rusty's cooking. Here's a little sneak peek of what my weekend entailed:

And for some reason, Rusty's a fan of my blog--crazy, right? I mean, have you seen the shit I put on here?
PS: And yes, I enlightened Rusty on the definition of the Rusty Trombone. Good times.

Anyway, now that I've got your attention (and hunger), I can proceed with being a total dick.

The above photos have absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog post or it's featured recipe.

Why in fact...


...it's another SQUASH post!!!

Recognize the sexy acorn above? Well you should, because it's the same survivor from the "Stop, Drop & Roll..Squash" video featured in last week's post. And yes, the dent on the bottom is from colliding with my camera lens.

Well, anyway, Sexy Acorn was sitting up in the ICU (AKA a ceramic bowl on my pathetic wooden square of counter space) for about a week, resting up for his big day (and so I could once again taunt your starving souls with yet another squash post).

He even made a friend while in recovery:

(Taken with my phone camera, so excuse the photo quality)

Awwwww. How precious...

...until I baked his ass.

Roll THIS, Bitches!

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Baked Acorn Squash with Honey and Brown Sugar*
*Again, borrowed from my squash BIBLE, whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

-1 acorn squash, halved

-2 tbsp butter

-2 tbsp honey

-2 tsp dark brown sugar

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-Cut squash in half lengthwise, and remove seeds and pulp. Reserve seeds if you're a conservationist (or poor) and would like a toasted snack.

-Place squash halves, cut sides up, in a glass baking dish. Add about 1/4 inch of water to the dish, and scrape the squash's insides with a fork (don't worry, he's a masochist).

-Fill squash halves with equal portions butter, honey, and brown sugar. Sprinkle with a dash of salt and pepper.

-Bake at 375° for at least 1 hour. After an hour, check with a fork to see if your squash is done. It should slide easily into the flesh (again, no worries--he likes it). If it's, er, "resisting," throw that baby back into the oven for another 15, 20 minutes. I reached succulent, baked perfection after 1 hour and 20 minutes.

-Remove squash from oven, plate, and serve.

Pardon the fork indent. I was checking Sexy Acorn's doneness and got a little carried away.

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If you are still upset over my above teaser photos (GTFOverIt), here's some good news. I actually cooked the meal in the last photo, with the orzo, tomato salad, and chicken cutlet. Check out the Mediterranean-style Orzo recipe here.