Victory is mine!

It's important to always have a meal you can whip up in 10 minutes or less, just in case guests show up unexpectedly.

Lately, for me, that's been Mediterranean-Style Orzo. Also, I'm lying. I live in Staten Island. No one visits me.

A month ago, however, my boyfriend's little brother called and said he was driving up from Ocean City, Maryland, and would be over for dinner. I asked him what he would like, and he said, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." I specifically asked him if there are any foods he disliked and refused to eat, to which he repeated, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." Jackpot. I don't need to go shopping.

However, when our guest of "honor" arrived four hours late, he informed me that he "doesn't eat feta cheese or olives."

So I guess this is a horrible example of how Mediterranean-Style Orzo is an quick, easy meal befitting for all guests. Oh.

The real reason I wanted to share this story is because it gives me a chance for revenge. If you tell me you eat everything, and then inform me later you do not eat specific foods (which just so happen to be 2 major ingredients in my dinner), I will photoshop cutouts of your head on random bodies. And post them on my blog. And if (in my opinion) you have a resemblence to Michael Phelps (with a sweet Hitler mustache), those random bodies belong to Michael Phelps.
Go for the gold, baby!

This is probably unwarranted, because he ate 3 dishes anyway.

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Mediterranean-Style Orzo

Makes 4-8 servings (depending on whether it's a side or a main dish...or if you're a pig)

Ingredients

-1 lb Orzo

-1 or 2 handfuls Calamata Olives, sliced in half lenthwise (This is a family recipe...we don't do measurements)
-3-4 handfuls baby spinach leaves

-Feta cheese, crumbled

-4 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil

-1 lemon

-Salt & pepper

Steps

-In a deep pasta pot, boil salted water for orzo, and cook until al dente. Meanwhile, lightly brown garlic in olive oil (enough to coat a frying pan or skillet) over low heat.

This cooks quickly, so have everything portioned, sliced, and ready to go. Mad props for using toaster as counter space.

-Drain orzo. Before adding orzo back to its pot, transfer browned garlic and oil from its pan to the bottom of the pot. Add spinach to the garlic and oil, and mix to coat.
-Pour hot orzo on top of spinach, garlic, and oil. Cover and let sit for 1 minute. The steam from the orzo will instantly cook the spinach.

-Stir orzo, spinach, garlic and oil until well blended. Add olives, a squeeze of lemon juice, and stir again. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Add feta cheese crumbles (however much you like), mix again, and serve.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Click here to see my latest tailgating recipe, along with pictures of me shoving a beer can up a chicken's ass.

Wait for it...

In my last post, I told you to sit and wait for my chili recipe. And you might just have to keep sitting and waiting (I like to play hard to get), because the Unemployed Chef is making some major moves. Although I set up shop originally in my hellhole kitchen (in Staten Island, to add insult to injury), the Unemployed Chef will be relocating within the next few months.

I've come to grips with the fact that I might actually have a real kitchen. But my fear is that I'll lose some of my trashy, low-budget appeal. Half of my miserable, sarcastic ramblings stem from the frustration of cooking in a cramped, fugly kitchen with zero counter space (and using my radiator as a cutting board).

Question is, will the open-layout of a real kitchen change me?

Nah, I'm still a bitch, and I'll always be miserable. That's just in my genetic makeup. I promise I'll stay just as rude and sarcastic as I've always been, and I'll continue to pepper my meals with dirty jokes and sexual innuendos.

You know what, since the Jets are 3-0, I'm in a good mood. You can finally have that chili recipe. Plus I ate it on their first regular season game (they were at Houston, so chili was befitting, actually), and it apparently brought them some good luck. Also, I stole the recipe from Men's Health (mad THIEF status son!), so it's not like I'm giving away some great family secret or anything. Unless editor-in-cheif David Zinczenko is secretly my daddy. (Any confessions, Mom? Get Maury Povich on this shit, STAT!)

I have to leave out some of this recipe's "instructional" photos, for aesthetic reasons. I've come to the realization that chili looks remarkably like diarreah. But at least it doesn't look as gross as this:



LOOK. AT. THAT. It's a wet hemmoroid on a platter! Delicious!

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Chili Con Carne

Makes about 8-10 servings, if you're serving over rice

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-2 medium yellow onions, diced
-4 cloves garlic, minced
-4 15-oz cans kidney beans (I usually use 2 dark red cans and 2 light red cans)
-3 cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes (I used Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes with Garlic)
- 2 1/2 cups chicken stock (If you're using canned broth, that's about 2 10.75 ounce cans)
-2 ounces dark chocolate (Yes, dark chocolate. Not a typo. Trust.)
-Chili powder
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Cinnamon
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat a skillet or frying pan over medium-high heat. Add ground beef to pan, breaking it up with a fork or spatula.
-Meanwhile, add kidney beans (rinsed and drained), diced tomatoes (plus juice), and chicken stock to a deep pot or dutch oven (ha). Slowly start to simmer the beans, tomatoes, and stock over low heat.



-Once the ground beef is browned, transfer it to the pot, reserving fat. Add onion to the reserved fat, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic, and cook everything together until the onions are just beginning to caramelize and the garlic is just beginning to brown. Transfer to the pot.
-Add spices and chocolate to the pot. I'm not listing measurements for the spices, because it's really all about personal preferences. Plus, if you're heavy handed with the seasonings (like me), you'll probably keep adding seasonings as you go along. I go heavy on the chili powder and cumin; easy on the cinnamon. The cayenne will determine the spiciness (or wimpiness) of your chili. Lower the pot's heat to a simmer, and cook for an hour or more. Once the chili heats up, the spices will intensify (and the chocolate will melt), so keep tasting and adjusting your seasoning accordingly. It shouldn't be an issue--you know you're a greedy bitch like me, who can't wait an hour for that shit to simmer.
-I think this chili tastes better the next day, but if you're so hungry that the video posted above actually stimulated your appetite, serve chili immediately over white rice, and garnish with cheddar cheese.

NOTE: Serve chili over rice with a SLOTTED SPOON. This chili is very soupy, and I know most recipes and restaurants create chili this way, but I DON'T. I do, however, cook it with lots of liquid, and store the leftovers with the liquid, so that the beef/beans don't get dried out when you reheat them.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Check out my latest post, which was originally featured here.

Football season is finally here!

Watching the Jets assassinate the Texans just feels sweeter over a giant bowl of chili and an ice cold beer...several ice cold beers.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to pig out on fried chicken, ribs, dips, and anything you can put on a grill.

But I'm sure you'll be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love tailgating foods. You'll have to stay tuned for my chili recipe (sit and wait BITCH!), but hopefully this will keep you salivating in the meantime:

Buffalo Hot Wings on the...Grill?

I know, I know—Buffalo Wings are meant for the deep fryer. So WTF is this grilled crap? Am I actually trying to make wings healthy? Sacrilege!

Truth be told, grilled wings are actually pretty freakin’ awesome. Yeah, they’re a little less fatty, but that’s why you wash them down with 5 gallons of beer. Health problem solved.

And for my male readers (I know a bunch of you closet kitchen-bitches read this!), grilling is the epitome of manliness.

Warning: These babies take about an hour to grill, and require a lot of attention. But I stood in front of the grill in 100+ degrees in the middle of the desert to make these. So SUCK IT UP.

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Grilled Buffalo Hot Wings

Ingredients
-3 pounds chicken wings/drumsticks
-1 bottle (12 fluid ounce) hot sauce (I used Frank’s RedHot Buffalo Wings Sauce…mmm.)
-1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle Coca-Cola or Pepsi (or RC…you cheap bastard.)
-1 tbsp soy sauce
-Dash of cayenne pepper (The more you add, the hotter your wings will be… Don’t be a little bitch.)

Steps
-In a disposable pan (or a pan you don’t mind destroying on your grill), mix hot sauce, soda, soy sauce, and cayenne pepper. Add wings, and toss to coat.
-Preheat your grill to medium heat. Place your pan off to one side of the grill, and let your hot sauce/soda/soy/cayenne mixture come to a simmer. (Bubbles…look for bubbles.)


Oh, and I wasn't lying about grilling out in the desert.

-Once your pan mixture is poppin’ bub-a-lee (90's rap reference HOLLLLLA!), use your grill tongs to take the wings out of the sauce mixture and place them directly on the grill. If there’s not enough room, leave half of them in the pan. Grill for 5 minutes, flip over, and grill for another 5.

Half the wings go on the grill. 5 minutes, flip...
...and then another 5 minutes.
-Return grilled wings to pan, and simmer for another 10 minutes. If you still have half your wings in the pan, now’s the time to grill up those bad boys.

SWITCH!
-Repeat this tedious process for about an hour, or until the wings are done to your liking (I prefer crispy skin, with the chicken falling off the bone). It took me 6 processes, grilling half of the wings at a time. So, each half-batch of wings was grilled 3 times for 10 minutes, and simmered 3 times for 10 minutes. Are you completely confused yet?
-For superhot, it’s-gonna-burn-to-go-to-the-bathroom wings, dip finished wings back in your sauce mixture before serving. For medium-hot wings, serve them straight off the grill (pansy).

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BONUS!

Be sure to check out the following website, which just went live this morning:

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! You can check out my first post here.

Thanks for your support!

Merry Moroccan Christmas to all my Ho Ho HOEZ!

Listen, I've been busy. Unemployment is a full-time job.

But I'm never too busy to throw a dope recipe your way.

The inspiration for this dish was Season 10, Episode 5 of The Office: "Moroccan Christmas." If you don't watch The Office, this will mean nothing to you (Then again, if you don't watch The Office, you mean nothing to me--who doesn't watch The Office?).
To quote Phyllis (and who wouldn't want to quote her--look how sexy she is):

"This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate."

Lucious Phyllis. Knit away, boo.

I believe this somehow ties into my chicken dish.

Actually, this holds no relevence at all, because I didn't invent this dish and it's most likely not even Moroccan.

I'm embarassed to admit this to you, readers, but this is actually a 'modified' Rachael Ray recipe. Blasphemy! I know, I know. I'm sorry. But at least it gives me an excuse to post this:

6 minutes and 45 seconds of Rachael Ray farting--ENJOY!

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Moraccan Chicken Thighs and Couscous

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-About 5 or 6 pieces boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-1 box couscous (I used Near East's Toasted Pine Nut)
-2 medium yellow onions
-4 cloves garlic
-2 lemons
-2 1/2 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods, of course)
-2 tbsp paprika
-2 tsp turmeric powder
-2 tsp cumin
-Dash of cinnamon
-1 cup green olives, pitted or with pimentos
-Olive oil
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Dice onions, finely chop garlic cloves, and thinly slice 1 lemon. Set aside.
-Wash and cut chicken thighs into smaller pieces (you should be halving the thighs, or cutting each into thirds).
-Heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. In a small bowl, mix paprika, turmeric powder, cumin, and cinnamon.
-Drop chicken pieces into the spice mixture, and add to the hot oil. Fry chicken for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove chicken from pan, cover, and set aside.

-Keeping your flame on medium high, add the onions, garlic, and lemon slices to the heated oil. Some of the spices should have soaked into the oil, giving everything a sexy yellow color. Usually when I'm cooking, my boyfriend will walk in and say something along the lines of, "Mmmmmm smells good." This meal envoked this: "The house reeks of B.O." Don't worry--that just means you're on the right track.


-Cook your onions, garlic, and lemons for about 10 minutes, until the onions are soft and translucent. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, to taste.
-At this point, you can start preparing your couscous as according to their packaging's directions.
-Add your reserved chicken back to your pan, with the onions, garlic, and lemon. Add chicken stock and juice of 1 lemon, and cover. Simmer over low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until chicken pieces are cooked through.

Yeah, this looks like crap, but so does chili. And you like chili, right?

-Remove pan from heat, and stir in your olives. Your couscous should be ready at the same time (Aren't you glad I told you to start preparing that shit? Now nothing has to sit and get cold. You're welcome.)
-Pour broth over chicken and couscous, and serve.

Mmmmmm. Or as Rachael Ray would say, "Vrrrrrrrrrt!"

Another meaningless post of my sarcastic & bitchy ramblings...with a few recipes thrown in

I believe two posts ago I told you "I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes." And then I gave you, what, one recipe? 8 days ago? COLD.

I feel like lying on the couch (pantless, of course) and watching Top Chef Masters' repeats right now, but I feel guilted into leaving you at least *one* recipe before I go away AGAIN for the weekend. Precious? You know the Unemployed Chef got mad love for ya.

To be honest, I really did plan on gracing you bitches with a bunch of recipes, but I made a lot of repeated dishes. Or dishes so simple, I didn't think they required a recipe. (Or maybe they do... Because if you're trusting me with your dinner plans, you probably can't cook for shit.) I basically used everything I had in my house, mixed with pasta or rice. You know, gotta avoid Pathmark at all costs. Unemployed Chef = broke.

Here's what went directly to my thighs this week. I'm too lazy to list the recipes, but I'll tell you the ingredients and assume you can figure it out for yourself. Please don't prove me wrong with your high levels of stupidity. Work with me here.

PS: I also made a giant batch of Pasta Fagioli (Pasta Fa-zool!) for the BF, but you aren't worthy of witnessing it's sexiness. Not yet, at least. These things take time. I guess you'll just have to keep following my blog...


Penne Aglio e Olio (Garlic, oil, & red pepper flakes) + tomatoes + mushrooms


Coconut-Curry Battered Chicken over Rice
(I wasn't crazy about this, so I won't elaborate. It wasn't bad, it was just.... I guess I'm tired of chicken. OK, I'll keep it real... It sucked.)

Sautéed Flounder + Tomatoes + Mushrooms with Toasted Pinenut Couscous

Farfalle Pasta simmered in Chicken Stock + Garlic + Red Pepper Flakes + Cannellini Beans + Onions + Shredded Asiago Cheese

Spinach Salad + Strawberries + Battered Baked Chicken + Hard Boiled Egg Whites + Gorgonzola Cheese + Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette

Awww, fine, keep whining. Now I feel guilty. And I'm no stranger to classic Italian/Catholic guilt. I'll give you one actual recipe before I leave.

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Chili-rubbed Cod with Seasoned Acini di Pepe

Makes 2 servings... with lots of Acini di Pepe leftover

Ingredients

Chili-rubbed Cod:

-2 Cod filets

-Chili powder, to taste

-A dash of paprika

-Olive oil

Seasoned Acini de Pepe:

-1 lb acini de pepe pasta (the original recipe called for Israeli Couscous... but I can't find them anywhere. Same shit. I also made this with orzo and it kicked ass.)

-Olive oil (2-3 tbsp)

-A *big squeeze* of lemon juice (3-4 tbsp)

-1 tsp sugar

-1 tsp soy sauce

-1/2 cup chopped scallions

-A *sprinkle* of chopped parsley (1 tbsp)

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over high heat. (A grill would be even better. Unfortunately, our BBQ got disgusting after being left out in the yard during the winter. Would you like some grilled rust perhaps?)

-Season cod filets with a generous rub of chili powder. Sprinkle on some paprika for color, and rub into the filets.

-Add the filets to the searing oil, and step back (unless you enjoy being scalded by flying hot oil...kinky). Fry for 2 minutes per side, to make a nice crust. Lower the heat to medium, and continue cooking the filets for about 5 minutes per side, or until they're cooked through.

-Meanwhile, prepare acini de pepe as described on box. Drain, and transfer to a large bowl. In a smaller bowl, combine olive oil, soy sauce, sugar, and lemon juice. Slowly pour into the acini de pepe, mixing and checking for taste. Adjust seasonings if necessary. Add scallions and parsley into the acini de pepe, and mix. Season with salt and pepper. Almost too easy.

Word.

WTF is swai?

Answer: An excuse to sound fancy.

Went to Pathmark only to find out the newest shipments haven't come in yet. So basically, I was forced to choose from a selection of last week's half-rotting crap. Or the mass of swai filets that were on sale.

Swai. Sounds exotic, no? I have exotic-sounding meals; therefore, I am a real chef. Actually, the swai filets were the cheapest fish at the seafood counter. Even cheaper than flounder. Madness.

Add that to one of my go-to recipes (a much modified recipe stolen from Women's Health), and you've got yourself one f'ing exotic-sounding meal.

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Panfried Swai Filets over Boy Choy & Mushrooms, with Coconut Curry Sauce

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

Coconut Curry Sauce:
-1 cup coconut milk
-1 tbsp brown sugar
-Dash of cayenne pepper
-Curry powder, to taste (I use A LOT...some might prefer a dash. Even though that's boring.)
-Juice of half a lime

Swai Filets:
-2 swai filets (Or bassa. Or tilapia. Or flouder. Or whatever cheap white fish you have. I've also made this with salmon and it was AMAZING.)
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Bok Choy & Mushrooms:
-1 medium bunch of bok choy, leaves and stems separated
-About 5 or 6 baby bello mushrooms, sliced (I prefer shiitake mushrooms for this, but couldn't find them. Pathmark blows.)


-Juice of half a lime
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fill a large pot or dutch oven (ha) with water, and bring to a boil. Separate the boy choy's leaves and stems. Cut the tough ends off the stems, and chop the rest into bite-size pieces. Once the water starts boiling, throw in the chopped stems, and boil for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, add in the leaves, and boil for another 5 minutes. Drain, transfer back into the pot, and cover.
-Meanwhile, mix coconut milk, brown sugar, cayenne pepper, and curry powder in a bowl. Add to a small saucepan, and cook over low heat for 10 minutes, stirring constantly. The mixture will thicken into a sauce over time. Taste the mixture as it cooks, and season to taste. I always OD on the curry at this point. I gotz FLAVA.
-After 10 minutes, remove saucepan from heat. Add juice of half a lime, stir. Cover.
-Season swai filets generously with salt and pepper. In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat, and add swai filets. Cook for about 2-3 minutes per side, depending on thickness. Remove from pan and cover to keep warm.

Filets, sauce, and boychoy. A bitch can MULTITASK.

-With the heat still going, add your sliced mushrooms to the pan's remaining oil, and toss to coat. Add the reserved bok choy, juice of half a lime, and salt and pepper. Stir constantly for about 3-5 minutes, or until mushrooms are tender.

-Transfer a scoop of boy choy and mushrooms to a plate, and place a swai filet on top of the vegetables. Drizzle with coconut curry sauce. Done.

How fancy. Everyone deserves a gourmet meal while watching Seinfeld reruns.

The Unemployed Chef returns!

Sorry I haven't updated this in awhile. Just came back from Seaside, NJ--From one guidoland to another, huh? I'm going to be away for the next few weekends (Pittsburgh, Arizona, Sharon, etc.), so sit tight and try not to get your chonies in a bunch. I'll be back. Try not to miss me *too* much.

Because I'm such a sweet piece of ass, I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes. You're welcome.

Spending time with the family this weekend, I was finally clued in on a secret ingredient of my grandmother's famous Pasta Fagioli (what us Americanized Italians bastardized as "Pasta Fa-zool"). Pasta & beans, if you really didn't know that (kill yourself). If this doesn't seem that exciting to you, that's because you never tasted my grandmother's pasta fagioli. Each bite tastes like a choir of angels descended onto your tongue to serenade your tastebuds. Heavenly.

So here goes...

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Nanny's Famous Pasta Fagioli




......



PSYCHE!

Seriously, do you want my grandmother to haunt you? Why the hell would I give you that recipe?

To increase the disappointment factor, I'm going to give you another SQUASH recipe! Oh when it rains, it pours! Actually, I'm not trying to be a bitch--this squash recipe was pretty dope. If you might remember from my previous squash anecdote, the BF throws a hissy fit every time I make squash...and then begrudgingly admits that he loved the meal. REAL MEN EAT SQUASH. This was supposed to be a hearty meal before his basketball tournament...and instead, he got a fancy-schmancy soup inside a martini cup. Am I a horrible girlfriend? No, he asked if I could make this as an appetizer for company. So, stop frontin'. You know the Unemployed Chef does not disappoint.

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Butternut Squash & Red Potato Soup

Makes...um...a lot of servings. Didn't really count, but we each had about 4 glasses each, with leftovers. 10?

Ingredients

-2 pounds butternut squash, mashed (I used frozen mashed winter squash. If you're using the real shit, check out my Butternut Squash Risotto post for an explanation of how to prepare your mash. I'm always an advocate for using the good stuff, but in this recipe, it really doesn't affect the taste at all. Trust.)
-2 tbsp butter
-1 medium white onion, sliced
-2 dashes garlic powder
-4 cups chicken stock (gotta rep' the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods)
-3-4 baby red potatoes, peeled & halved
-A *pinch* of cayenne pepper
-A *pinch* of ground nutmeg
-A *pinch* of ground ginger
-Salt & Pepper, to taste
-1 cup heavy cream

Steps

-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), melt butter over medium-high heat. Add sliced onion to heated butter for about 4-5 minutes, stirring to prevent burning (you don't want these to caramelize). Add garlic powder during the last minute.

-Add potatoes to the butter and onion mixture, and toss to coat. Cover the potatoes with the chicken stock, and bring to a boil. They should be soft enough to mash after 10-15 minutes of boiling. Or you could just check with a fork.

-Add the mashed squash to your pot, and begin mashing your potatoes into the squash. They don't need to be perfectly smooth, unless you really want to work that arm (diesel status).

-If you have a hand blender, good for you. I'm old school and had to transfer my soup to a blender. I was actually able to purée my entire soup in one batch, because I'm awesome. Anyway, I guess the point of this step is basically to purée your soup until smooth. Yeah. And then transfer back to your pot. Simmer over medium-low heat.

-Pinch away. Sprinkle in your "pinches" of cayenne, nutmeg, and ginger. Don't over-do it on the nutmeg. It's STRONG. Add salt and pepper, and taste. I cannot stress this enough. Soup, sauce, whatever. TASTE YOUR FOOD AS YOU COOK IT, DAMMIT. It's a lot better to know your food sucks, and attempt to fix it, before it's out on the serving table. Or you can risk serving a bowl full of ass to your guests. Some people like surprises. Your choice.

-Stir in the heavy cream, and simmer until mixed through (don't boil).

Sip up bitch!
Unfortunately, there's no alcohol in this soup, but I'm sure you could always provide a vodka chaser.