THE UNEMPLOYED CHEF: Thanksgiving

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Black Friday blows

Yeah, not my most imaginative title, but I'm at a loss for a humorous metaphor or witty pun that expresses the fact that...

BLACK FRIDAY BLOWS.

NOTE: I did in fact start this post on Friday, November 26th, 2010. But, of course, I then became too busy/distracted/adorable to take the time and post it online. Having to actually go out and earn a living blows, just like Black Friday. Which bring me to my next point...

(Written on 11/26/10)

Happy Black Friday!!! While you assholes are lined up from 4 AM so you can save 50¢ on a microwave or whatever, I'm "working" a double-shift on a post-Thanksgiving food hangover so I can actually afford to buy a Christmas gift or two (for myself). Yes, I'm still wearing elastic-waisted pants. And yes, I did say "working." When my motivation kicks in, you know there is something very wrong with the universe. Rough times, man. Rough times. I'll be like everyone else and blame the economy.

So I'm sure your chonies have been dampened with excitement in the anticipation of my annual Thanksgiving post, but that's not quite what I have for you today. I'll wait a minute for you to dry off.

....

Anyway, let's be real, Thanksgiving is really not about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving = Christmas is approaching. Which also = I get to start my mornings with Hot Toddy's instead of coffee. Not that I drink coffee anyway (can you really imagine me on caffeine?), but at least it gives me a reason to drink before 5 PM (or 9 AM) without judgment.

And mentioning Christmas also gives me a reason (like I need to reason) to post up photos of my GORGEOUS 2009 Christmas tree.

Glamour. Sophistication. Elegance. Class.

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

Seductive Santa. Smolder on, boo.

Angry Santa takes out frustration on innocent Gingerbread Man. Behold her RAGE!

Dejected Elf is not feeling the holiday spirit. Hang in there!

Alert Elf is watching you at all times. She sees you when you're sleeping, she knows when you're awake...

This was only here because the tree needed some real SEX appeal.

I don't even know what to say about this one. I was double-mad at her for not returning my calls.

Mairead the Red-Nosed Irish Whore.

Unemployed Santa needed a new way to pay for gifts this year...

Smooth Santa getz all da ladiez.

Perplexed Elf is in a conundrum over how to put together wooden soldiers..

Well... every tree needs a STAR on top! This one gets 2!

However, these stunning ornaments were not only beautiful and selfless gifts for my wonderful friends. They also served as a warning. If one failed to remove his or her head by Christmas Eve, there were serious consequences. Whomever's heads remained on my tree on Christmas morning were to be defaced in the following ways:

a) Destruction by fire
b) Destruction by urination
c) Defacing image with multiple penis drawings
d) Running over ornament with car or other large vehicle
e) All of the above

There were, in fact, 2 stupid remaining heads that I woke up to last Christmas morning. I have been waiting since last December, 2009, plotting their ultimate destruction. This Christmas, I will be in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, with plenty of room (and privacy) for public fire (and urination) without arson charges. Feliz Navidad, bitches.

Stay tuned for a video documentary in my post following Christmas 2010.

Oh, and if your chonies still haven't dried off from earlier, here's a link to last year's "Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving" post.

The Unemployed Chef's "It's-December-so-I'm-Allowed-to-be-Drunk-on-a-Regular-Basis-and-Say-It's-to-Keep-Me-Warm" Hot Toddy

Makes 1 Serving. For alcoholics, makes .037 servings. Have more than one, you pansy. 'Tis the season. Don't disappoint Jesus.

So I started writing this and realized I already gave you a Hot Toddy recipe in last year's "Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side" post. Guess I had a few too many. Whoops. Boring for you, lucky for me. Because I'm lazy. Copy and paste time!

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)

As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.

-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!

-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!

I had to forgo my big-ass mug for this sweet glass so you can actually see the drink.

That's a cinnamon stick, not a turd.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

My Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving...

Being a holiday week and all, I thought I'd switch things up a bit. As the official Tailgate Blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, I've been supplying you loyal readers tailgate recipes ever since the start of football season. However, any tailgating food I whip up this Sunday will most likely be some concoction of Thanksgiving leftovers and scraps. So it's only right to show you guys the origins of those leftovers and scraps, right?

Here's a little peek at Thanksgiving, done the fat I-talian way. To me, it's one of those days where I always make sure I have a festive pair of stretch pants on hand. Although this year, I'm not sure stretch pants did the trick. I needed a stretch stomach.

He knows what I'm talking about.

Now, some of these photos are just teases. I'm not writing out 20 recipes. One, I don't feel like it. And two...well, some of them I don't know offhand.

I'm lucky I got any photos at all...people kept reaching for food as I was trying to get my 'Photographer' on. Rude.

Because I'm exhausted (turkey hangover), I kept the recipes short and simple. I know they're usually a bit more detailed, but let's be honest--50% of those details are dirty jokes and sexual innuendos that have nothing to do with anything.

Before we down the traditional Thanksgiving spread, we pregame. With this:

Before dinner, I served up some Butternut Squash & Potato Soup. It was done in about 5 seconds. R. I. P., you sexy squash. I regret not being able to photograph you before your depletion.
But we can always relive your glory days via this post from 8/3/09:

http://theunemployedchef.blogspot.com/2009/08/butternut-squash-soup.html

Oh yea, the above link also contains the soup's recipe. Check it out.
(I used Baby Dutch Yellow Potatoes instead of the Baby Reds, and doubled the recipe.)

From left: Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms; Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts; Candied Yams with Marshmallows
I had to stick with the past 2 weeks' sausage-fest theme (If you're a new reader or have no idea what I'm referring to, click here and here.

Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms

-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil
-16-ounce Italian sausage, crumbled and browned in olive oil
-Bacon, fried and crumbled (as much as desired)
-1 box mushrooms, sliced and sautéed briefly

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

Believe it or not, there are actually people at our dinner table who don't eat red meat. I know, right?

Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts

Use the same base recipe for the stuffing as above:
-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil

New ingredients:
-2 Granny Smith apples, cut up
-Dried cranberries, soaked in chicken broth for about an hour
-Walnut halves
-sugar (as much as desired)
-cinnamon (as much as desired)
-Maple syrup (as much as desired)

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

From left: Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad; Baked Artichoke Hearts with Breadcrumbs

Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad

-Butternut squash, peeled and cut into cubes
-Maple syrup
-Dried cranberries
-1 cup apple cider
-2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-2 tsp dijon mustard
-2 Shallots, diced
-Olive oil

-Combine butternut squash with olive oil and maple syrup, and toss to coat. Spread out on a baking pan, and bake at 450 degrees for 20-25 minutes.
-Add dried cranberries to the cubed squash, and bake for another 5-10 minutes, or until squash is tender and cranberries plump up.
-In a saucepan, combine apple cider, apple cider vinegar, and mustard. Cook until mixture reduces, add shallots and cook until heated through (not browned). Add 1/2 cup olive oil.
-Pour saucepan mixture over squash and cranberries. Toss to coat, and serve.

Baked Artichokes with Breadcrumbs

-3 cans artichoke hearts, cut into quarters (no marinade)
-Seasoned breadcrumbs
-3 8-ounce boxes fresh mushrooms, sliced
-6 cloves garlic, chopped
-1 cup grated Parmesian cheese
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

-Combine all ingredients in a large bowl, with enough olive oil to coat mixture (you want everything to be moist, but not mushy)
-Transfer to a greased baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, or until crispy.

Cranberry-Apricot Sauce

-2 bags fresh cranberries (12-ounce)
-2/3 cup orange juice (I used Orange-Peach-Mango juice)
-3 cups dried apricot halves, cut into thin strips
-1/2 cup white sugar
-1/2 cup brown sugar
-Orange zest
-Dash of salt

-Combine all of the above ingredients in a saucepan. Cook over medium high heat, stirring constantly. Keep cooking until the cranberries burst and thicken into a jellied consistancy. Cool before serving.

Oh, and of course, dessert.