Pop Ya Collardz

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?


Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)



I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

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Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps


-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)



And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:



-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Can't Beat This Meat

Some of you may wonder why I have so few (red) meat recipes on here. Allow me to explain. I am a vegetarian by no means. Nor am I healthy. I am just poor. Red meat is expensive, and therefore, reserved for special occasions. (I used to have this rule for alchohol, until "special occasions" became "it's 2:47 PM" and "I'm blogging.")

My mom also yelled at me for not cooking enough meat for the BF. "He's a big boy, he needs some meat!" Does she not realize we currently live in Chelsea, NYC? If he needs meat, he can get it--but I'm pretty sure that leaves me out of the picture.

There was, however, a brief period of time where I discovered cheap red meat in NYC--Western Beef. In particular, the Western Beef on 16th St by the Fulton projects. Where steak costs less than a small box of cereal. Low and behold, there were about 4-5 months where "steak night" became as ritual as, well, this:



Then we had a summer that hovered consistantly at 95 degrees--Swamp ass galore! Seeing as Western Beef is pretty far from my house, and my lazy ass refuses to walk in jungle weather with heavy bags...let's just say it's been a pasta kind of summer.

Then one day it was slightly less swampy-assy outside. I decided my household deserved a little dead animal on its dinner table. So I decided to STRUT THAT ASS* over to Western Beef. I brought home an extremely cheap family pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs, which leaked all over my clothes on the trek home. I opened the packaging (which was basically already open, seeing as I could have won a salmonella wet T-shirt contest), and caught a whiff of ROTTEN EGGS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I strutted that ass for bad chicken???!!! Western Beef, you are now on my shit-list with Gristedes. I hate you. And I retract my ass-strut. Never again.

*I really just wanted to post this video up here. Yeah, I know it's old news. I don't care.



And of course, the auto-tune version:




Well, I was browsing through old photos, when Western Beef and I were still homies, and got a little sentimental. Here's an example of the good times that you and I once shared. You will miss me now that I'm gone.

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Marinaded Steak with Wilted Spinach

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1 lb. round steak, thinly sliced (It will usually be labeled as "Pepper Steak." Ask your butcher to slice it for you if you can't find it presliced. After a little marinading, this CHEAP cut of beef still tastes awesome. But you can also substitute flank or skirt steak for the round, if that's your preference.)
-1/4 c Red wine (I used a Sangiovese by Il Bastardo. There was no reasoning behind this--it was the cheapest wine in the liquor store.)
-1/4 c Reduced-sodium soy sauce, plus a little extra
-2 Garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
-2 tsp Sugar
-Peanut oil (You can use whatever you have on hand, but this is what I used)
-4-5 "big handfuls" of spinach
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Jasmine rice (optional)

Steps
-Rinse/dry steak slices, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.


-In a large, non-reactive bowl, combine first 5 ingredients. Cover and leave out at room temperature for about an hour.

-Heat oil in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. Add steak to pan, in intervals if needed (to avoid crowding the pan), cooking slices a minute per side for medium rare. (The wine cooks the meat slightly, and it continues to cook when removed from heat, anyway). Remove from heat and let rest.


-Meanwhile, in a saucepan with raised sides, bring salted water to a boil. Add spinach to pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Drain and return to the pan, seasoning with soy sauce, salt, and pepper, to taste.
-If you are preparing the Jasmine rice, cook according to package directions. Seriously, I'm not telling you how to cook rice. It's right on the packaging. And if you are not literate, why are you on my blog anyway? The sexy photos and Youtube videos that have nothing to do with the featured recipe?

Yeah, that's probably it.

Here ya go:

DON'T HATE. MARINATE.

Whole Foods Hummus....Sexy, Single & FREE!

Ehhh... I don't know if this qualifies as a post. Perhaps this is more of a "Hey-guess-what-I-did-today" ramble that I really want to share, but no one cares. So you'll be the ones to suffer.

Due to the gap in my regular blogging, I can't quite remember if I've divulged my love/hate relationship with Whole Foods to my loyal readers. If I have, here is some repetition.

OK, Whole Foods: For the most part, it's incredibly overpriced, and I could give a shit if my food is organic. However, everything in Manhattan is overpriced...and the food in Whole Foods is usually pretty good ("Usually"="except for that time I ate almost an entire case of arugula before I noticed 3 dead ladybugs at the bottom." Yeah, I guess it's better than roaches--the usual NYC fare. But I would prefer the pesticides to the bugs.)

That being said, certain things actually are cheaper at Whole Foods than in the typical Manhattan chains. For instance, take Gristedes. You know what, Gristedes just overall sucks and the food is usually expired. Don't give them your business. Ken (the BF) shops here because he's lazy, and it's right downstairs, which pisses me off. Giving in to the MAN! Exactly what "he" wants. Ken also shops here because the evening-shift checkout lady calls him "baby" and says he looks like a red-headed "Dexter." (He doesn't.)

Earlier today, I found a Whole Foods coupon for a free container of hummus with any $25.00 purchase (and let's be real, with NYC prices, that's a box of cereal). So you know my cheap ass strutted on over simply because, well...it's FREE.


I bet it tastes delicious. Everything free does. Maybe that's why hookers are never as enjoyable (or so I hear).

Anyway, I found these OLD photos of some hummus I made awhile back, and figured today's episode would be a good reason to give them some face time. It's actually "bootleg" hummus, since I had no tahini paste (nor any desire to buy some), and I used peanut butter instead. STFU. No one could tell the difference.

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The Unemployed Chef's Bootleg Hummus (that tastes like non-bootleg hummus, IMO)

Makes 1 small bowl of hummus. I mean, how much can you eat at once? It's beans. You'll poop your pants.

Ingredients
-1 12-oz can chick peas/garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed (reserving liquid)
-1-2 garlic cloves, minced
-1 tbsp lemon juice (fresh)
-1 tbsp peanut butter
-1 tbsp olive oil
-Dash of cumin
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Paprika (optional)

Steps
-Place the first 7 ingredients in a blender or food processor (reserve a few chickpeas if you want to be "fancy," as in my exquisite photo below).
-Puree until smooth. If mixture is too thick, add reserved chickpea liquid as needed.
-"Garnish" (fancy-pants) with paprika and reserved chickpeas, if ya want.

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Here's a little extra You Don't Miss With The Zohan/Hummus goodness. Enjoy.

Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:




You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.


What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

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Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

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Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side

They say that chicken soup is good for the soul. I’m sure that’s a load of crap, but as a Jets fan writing for the Buffalo Bills, my soul needed healing after we got our asses handed to us in Week 6. I guess my Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup really does work magic, since I guzzled it down last Thursday during the game (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!).

If your soul doesn't need healing (or you just don't have a soul), think of my soup as your winter survival meal, with way less side effects than the H1N1 shot. I mean, I think it's finally winter (although yesterday's 55 degree afternoon kind of confused me...gotta love global warming). Either way, freezing your ‘nads off in front of a grill is unnecessary. I mean, the grill can only warm them up so much, right?

So this Sunday, I'm advising you all to down a ‘liquid’ dinner while watching the big game. Much to your disappointment, this liquid dinner is not pertaining to alcohol. That’s right. My Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup is that good. You’ll feel intoxicated by its deliciousness.

(I won't be downing a liquid dinner this Sunday, because I'll be in Tampa watching the Jets brutally murder the Buccs. And if Tampa Bay's second win is in fact against the Jets, I will dive into a pot of scalding chicken soup and burn my skin off. And bring Sanchez with me. So I guess if this is my last post, you'll know why.)

Who am I kidding? We all know I’m an alcoholic. And we all know what I mean when I refer to a ‘liquid’ meal. I’ll be including my own personal Hot Toddy recipe at the bottom of this post, which is also guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (because it’s loaded with rum). Drink up, bitches!

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Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Makes 1 big-ass pot of soup

**I cooked my soup in a slow cooker for the entire day. If you don’t have one, just cook your soup in a large pot or DUTCH OVEN (haha) over low heat for about 3-4 hours.

Ingredients
-5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-5 stalks celery
-3 carrots
-1 garlic clove
-1 large yellow onion
-Garlic powder
-2 large chicken bouillion cubes (I used Knorr)
-Paprika
-Grated cheese, like Parmigiano-Reggiano (Optional)
-Salt & Pepper
-Egg noodles

Steps
-Peel and smash garlic clove. Rub the bottom and sides of your pot with the smashed clove (this will make your hands stink for about a week). You can either discard the clove or leave it in the bottom of the pot for added flavor. You know me, I don’t waste. I leave that bad boy in there for the whole 8 hours.
-Chop onions, celery stalks, and carrots, and place them in the bottom of your pot.


-Wash chicken thighs and cut off excess fat. (Judging from my photo, you can see I didn’t follow that rule very well. Gross, maybe. But fat tastes good. So whatever.) Place on top of vegetables.
-Cover everything with about 6 cups cold water. Add a dash or 2 of garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and a *heavy* dash of paprika. Paprika works magic in chicken soup, and gives it a nice color. Don’t worry about adjusting the seasonings right now–you can always do that at the end, when your chicken isn’t raw (nothing like a big ol’ spoonful of salmonella!). Drop in your bouillion cubes, cover your pan, and turn on your slow cooker (or, if using your stove top, turn the heat up to medium-low, and then down to a simmer once boiling).


-You’ll know your soup is ready when the chicken is not only cooked, but instantly shreds when barely touched with a fork. Break up the chicken and stir your soup, and adjust seasoning if necessary. I add a ton of paprika. Clear broth is ugly.
-Don’t worry if your broth looks “blotchy.” That’s the juices from the chicken combined with the all of the seasonings. Just stir it up before serving.
-Drop in egg noodles, or small pasta, such as Ditalini, and simmer in the soup until soft. Ladle into bowls, and top with grated cheese, if desired.

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Hot Toddy

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!


No picture…because I finished my drink before finishing this post. Jealous?

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Chicken Noodle Soup" post.

WTF is swai?

Answer: An excuse to sound fancy.

Went to Pathmark only to find out the newest shipments haven't come in yet. So basically, I was forced to choose from a selection of last week's half-rotting crap. Or the mass of swai filets that were on sale.

Swai. Sounds exotic, no? I have exotic-sounding meals; therefore, I am a real chef. Actually, the swai filets were the cheapest fish at the seafood counter. Even cheaper than flounder. Madness.

Add that to one of my go-to recipes (a much modified recipe stolen from Women's Health), and you've got yourself one f'ing exotic-sounding meal.

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Panfried Swai Filets over Boy Choy & Mushrooms, with Coconut Curry Sauce

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

Coconut Curry Sauce:
-1 cup coconut milk
-1 tbsp brown sugar
-Dash of cayenne pepper
-Curry powder, to taste (I use A LOT...some might prefer a dash. Even though that's boring.)
-Juice of half a lime

Swai Filets:
-2 swai filets (Or bassa. Or tilapia. Or flouder. Or whatever cheap white fish you have. I've also made this with salmon and it was AMAZING.)
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Bok Choy & Mushrooms:
-1 medium bunch of bok choy, leaves and stems separated
-About 5 or 6 baby bello mushrooms, sliced (I prefer shiitake mushrooms for this, but couldn't find them. Pathmark blows.)


-Juice of half a lime
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fill a large pot or dutch oven (ha) with water, and bring to a boil. Separate the boy choy's leaves and stems. Cut the tough ends off the stems, and chop the rest into bite-size pieces. Once the water starts boiling, throw in the chopped stems, and boil for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, add in the leaves, and boil for another 5 minutes. Drain, transfer back into the pot, and cover.
-Meanwhile, mix coconut milk, brown sugar, cayenne pepper, and curry powder in a bowl. Add to a small saucepan, and cook over low heat for 10 minutes, stirring constantly. The mixture will thicken into a sauce over time. Taste the mixture as it cooks, and season to taste. I always OD on the curry at this point. I gotz FLAVA.
-After 10 minutes, remove saucepan from heat. Add juice of half a lime, stir. Cover.
-Season swai filets generously with salt and pepper. In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat, and add swai filets. Cook for about 2-3 minutes per side, depending on thickness. Remove from pan and cover to keep warm.

Filets, sauce, and boychoy. A bitch can MULTITASK.

-With the heat still going, add your sliced mushrooms to the pan's remaining oil, and toss to coat. Add the reserved bok choy, juice of half a lime, and salt and pepper. Stir constantly for about 3-5 minutes, or until mushrooms are tender.

-Transfer a scoop of boy choy and mushrooms to a plate, and place a swai filet on top of the vegetables. Drizzle with coconut curry sauce. Done.

How fancy. Everyone deserves a gourmet meal while watching Seinfeld reruns.