WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

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Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.


With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).


-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.


Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

It's Man Chowder, It don't come from no can, It's Man Chowder, It's made by hand...

Really? That title prompted you to read today's recipe post?

For those of you who had been reading my posts on Buffalo Sports Daily throughout the football season, I apologize. This post is a repeat. That's when you know you've made it big: your posts stream into syndication. Or that could also means you suck, and no one wants to air you on primetime anymore (Except TBS. Very funny.).

Since I've been in such a soup kick lately (stay tuned for lots of soup posts...Soup Nazi in full effect), I thought I would kick it old school (that is, the ancient month of September 2009), and rehash for you my very first Buffalo Sports Daily post--New England Clam Chowdaaah.

OK, I’ll be honest with you. This was my first time ever making New England Clam Chowder in September. Actually, this was my first time making New England Clam Chowder ever, but don’t you worry about that, kitten. The Unemployed Chef does not disappoint. You know, so when you're tailgating or showing off your dish at the big house party, no one can say your “chowdah” tastes more like “manchowdah” (although you can always retaliate with, ‘Why the F do you know what that tastes like?’ Awkward pause.)

Hey, It’s what I do—I look out for you. You’re welcome.

Apparently, traditional New England Clam Chowdaaahhh uses salt pork, not bacon. I personally like both, but since I have about 5 blocks of salt pork in my freezer, tradition served me well. You can use whatever you want. Most Italian butchers carry salt pork. If you’ve never cooked with salt pork before, it should look something like this:

Mmmmm… salt. Fat. Drool.

You can hate on the unhealthiness all you want, but watch what happens when you show up in the parking lot with tofu skewers.

If you can’t find salt pork, no need to get your chonies in a bunch. Bacon or pancetta or even ham hocks are just as delicious and fatty. They definitely have a smokier taste, but aint nothin’ wrong with that.

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New England Clam Chowdaaah

Makes one big-ass pot full of chowdah

Ingredients
-About ½ ounce butcher cut salt pork (I used half a butcher block); or 4 strips bacon
-½ Spanish or yellow onion, diced small
-2 Tbsp white flour
-3 Yukon gold potatoes, cut into small cubes
-1 cup bottled clam juice (I used Cento Clam Juice), or reserved clam juice from can (but bottled tastes less like…can.)
-2 6-ounce cans whole baby clams, drained (reserve liquid…just in case)
-1 cup half & half
-½ cup heavy cream
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Remove rind from salt pork. Cut salt pork into small cubes. The easiest way to do this is with a pair of scissors.
-In a deep pot or dutch oven (haha), cook salt pork over medium heat until cubes are crispy. I added the rinds in there, too—totally optional. Depends how much oink oink you want in your chowder. As you can see, mine reeks of Miss Piggy.

-Remove salt pork and rinds from pot, reserving grease. Cook diced onion in the grease until soft and translucent, but not browned (about 5-10 minutes, depending on how big of a batch you’re cooking). Caramelizing the onions will change the taste of the chowder. To avoid that, I cooked the onions with the lid on for half of the time.


-Sprinkle in flour, and stir constantly for 3-5 minutes. Just like the onions, you don’t want to burn your flour.
-Add clam juice, and stir for about 2 minutes.
-Add potatoes, and bring to a boil. Once clam juice is boiling, cover and simmer until potatoes are soft. This took me FOREVER. Usually potatoes take me, like, 15 minutes. I guess there wasn’t enough liquid in the pan to soften those babies up quickly. My advice? Just keep checking them until they’re soft enough.


-Remove lid, and pour in clams. Slowly pour in half & half, followed by your heavy cream.
-Allow your chowder to heat up SLOWLY.. You do NOT want to boil anything with cream! Barf.

-Check for taste, and season with salt and pepper, if necessary. If your chowder’s too thin, add some cornstarch to thicken it up. If you prefer it more soupy (weirdo), you can use some of your reserved can clam juice to thin it out. Or water.

Best thing about revisiting old recipes? Revisiting these gorgeous 49¢ placemats that all you bitches love to hate! Enjoy.

The Unemployed Chef returns!

Sorry I haven't updated this in awhile. Just came back from Seaside, NJ--From one guidoland to another, huh? I'm going to be away for the next few weekends (Pittsburgh, Arizona, Sharon, etc.), so sit tight and try not to get your chonies in a bunch. I'll be back. Try not to miss me *too* much.

Because I'm such a sweet piece of ass, I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes. You're welcome.

Spending time with the family this weekend, I was finally clued in on a secret ingredient of my grandmother's famous Pasta Fagioli (what us Americanized Italians bastardized as "Pasta Fa-zool"). Pasta & beans, if you really didn't know that (kill yourself). If this doesn't seem that exciting to you, that's because you never tasted my grandmother's pasta fagioli. Each bite tastes like a choir of angels descended onto your tongue to serenade your tastebuds. Heavenly.

So here goes...

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Nanny's Famous Pasta Fagioli




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PSYCHE!

Seriously, do you want my grandmother to haunt you? Why the hell would I give you that recipe?

To increase the disappointment factor, I'm going to give you another SQUASH recipe! Oh when it rains, it pours! Actually, I'm not trying to be a bitch--this squash recipe was pretty dope. If you might remember from my previous squash anecdote, the BF throws a hissy fit every time I make squash...and then begrudgingly admits that he loved the meal. REAL MEN EAT SQUASH. This was supposed to be a hearty meal before his basketball tournament...and instead, he got a fancy-schmancy soup inside a martini cup. Am I a horrible girlfriend? No, he asked if I could make this as an appetizer for company. So, stop frontin'. You know the Unemployed Chef does not disappoint.

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Butternut Squash & Red Potato Soup

Makes...um...a lot of servings. Didn't really count, but we each had about 4 glasses each, with leftovers. 10?

Ingredients

-2 pounds butternut squash, mashed (I used frozen mashed winter squash. If you're using the real shit, check out my Butternut Squash Risotto post for an explanation of how to prepare your mash. I'm always an advocate for using the good stuff, but in this recipe, it really doesn't affect the taste at all. Trust.)
-2 tbsp butter
-1 medium white onion, sliced
-2 dashes garlic powder
-4 cups chicken stock (gotta rep' the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods)
-3-4 baby red potatoes, peeled & halved
-A *pinch* of cayenne pepper
-A *pinch* of ground nutmeg
-A *pinch* of ground ginger
-Salt & Pepper, to taste
-1 cup heavy cream

Steps

-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), melt butter over medium-high heat. Add sliced onion to heated butter for about 4-5 minutes, stirring to prevent burning (you don't want these to caramelize). Add garlic powder during the last minute.

-Add potatoes to the butter and onion mixture, and toss to coat. Cover the potatoes with the chicken stock, and bring to a boil. They should be soft enough to mash after 10-15 minutes of boiling. Or you could just check with a fork.

-Add the mashed squash to your pot, and begin mashing your potatoes into the squash. They don't need to be perfectly smooth, unless you really want to work that arm (diesel status).

-If you have a hand blender, good for you. I'm old school and had to transfer my soup to a blender. I was actually able to purée my entire soup in one batch, because I'm awesome. Anyway, I guess the point of this step is basically to purée your soup until smooth. Yeah. And then transfer back to your pot. Simmer over medium-low heat.

-Pinch away. Sprinkle in your "pinches" of cayenne, nutmeg, and ginger. Don't over-do it on the nutmeg. It's STRONG. Add salt and pepper, and taste. I cannot stress this enough. Soup, sauce, whatever. TASTE YOUR FOOD AS YOU COOK IT, DAMMIT. It's a lot better to know your food sucks, and attempt to fix it, before it's out on the serving table. Or you can risk serving a bowl full of ass to your guests. Some people like surprises. Your choice.

-Stir in the heavy cream, and simmer until mixed through (don't boil).

Sip up bitch!
Unfortunately, there's no alcohol in this soup, but I'm sure you could always provide a vodka chaser.

Would you like some dinner to go with that fat?

After several days of (healthy) fish and chicken, I was craving something fatty and fried. There's just nothing more pleasurable than eating a greasy, heavy meal, and passing out shortly after. Or sweating profusely as your body tries to burn off all the fat (I believe these are called "Meat Sweats"). I mean, really, being a size 5 is overrated. The way the weather has been going, it's not like I'll be in a bikini anytime soon. Or at least that's my justification.

So I went for the classic "meat 'n' potatoes" meal. OK, so I still had my jumbo bag of Costco red potatoes from this recipe, and I didn't want them to go bad. That would be a waste of food, and my food motto is the same as my alcohol motto--YOU DON'T WASTE! There are starving children in the world that would kill for that last bite of mac'n'cheese...and that shot of Patron. (By the way, have you ever realized how little sense that makes? If I finish my meal, is that going to satiate a starving child's hunger? 'Look at me, I'm eating and I'm not even hungry! The world's starvation problem is SOLVED!') Yeah, I go off on tangents. Gotta problem?

Anyway, back to using my jumbo bag of Costco red potatoes. In essense, it means one less thing to buy (and you know I'm one cheap bitch). This ultimately backfired when I realized I didn't have a potato masher (worst chef EVER!) and had to spring $6.99 for a plastic piece of crap. OUTRAGE.

In all good conscience, I can't take full credit for this one. Because the BF actually made (and suggested) the porkchops (Kitchen Bitch). I guess he'll do anything to avoid another squash night.

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Breaded Porkchops & Red Potato Mash

Ingredients
Red Potato Mash:
-Red potatoes (about 24...this will make a LOT of leftovers...seriously. We had 3 nights dinner, and then brought the rest over to a BBQ. And they had leftovers.)
-Butter, about half a stick
-Chives (Fresh is always better, but I used dried because I had them on hand)
-Heavy cream (approx. 1 cup)
-Sour cream (approx. 1 cup)
-Garlic powder
-Salt & Pepper

Breaded Porkchops:
-2 large porkchops (I used center-cut chops)
-Flour
-Paprika
-1 egg
-Worcestershire sauce
-Italian-style breadcrumbs (4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs are my standby fave)
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano, Pecorino Romano, and Asiago all work well here)
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper

Steps
-The potatoes will take longer than the porkchops, so I always start with them first. Wash and half (or quarter, depending on size) your potatoes. You can peel them if you want, but it's extra work and I actually prefer skins in my mash.
-Place potatoes in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water.


-Bring to a boil. These are small potatoes, so they should be ready to mash after about 10 minutes of boiling. If your fork can easily pierce through the potato, they're done.
-While your potatoes are boiling, you can start preparing your porkchops to save time (get yo' multitaskin' on). In a frying pan or skillet, begin heating olive oil over high heat.
-Set up your dipping stations (see previous post) by setting up 3 bowls, as follows:

1. Flour, seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika.


2. 1 egg, beaten, with a few drops of worcestershire sauce (sounds random, I know).


3. Breadcrumbs, seasoned with grated or shredded cheese.

-Dip the chops into the flour, egg, and breadcrumbs, in that order. Place into the heated oil, frying each chop for about a minute per side. Turn the heat down to medium high, and continue cooking the chops about 5-7 minutes per side, or until they are no longer pink in the center.
-Back to the potatoes. They should be done boiling, so drain them and place them back in the pot.
-While your chops fry, begin to mash the potatoes inside the pot. Gradually start adding your butter (1 tbsp at a time), heavy cream (1 splash at a time), and sour cream (1, um, dollup at a time). I cannot stress the word "gradually" enough. Too much too soon = gross mushy crap.
-Season generously with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Sprinkle in chives.
-Mash and mix the potatoes until they are the way you like them. For instance, I like lumps, some people hate them. To each his own (except my way is better).

The chops should be done right around the time you finish mashing your potatoes to death. As a result, they're both hot and ready to serve at the same time (sounds dirty).

Damn son.

Because I really do have that much time on my hands.

Ahhh, the joys of finally finding a career you love. And by career, I mean... living off the government while I experiment with food all day.

Allow me to introduce myself. I go by the name of Tess Tickle, the Unemployed Chef. After getting laid off on October 31st, 2008 (Happy F'in Halloween!) from a printing company which made me want to put a bullet inside my head daily (I shall remain nameless), I've revelled in the idea of getting paid to do nothing.

But I don't really do nothing. I cook. Constantly. I spend my morning hours scouring food sites, tearing recipes out of magazines (which my boyfriend finds annoying when he later tries to read them on the can), making shopping lists, and preparing dinner. And I enjoy it.

Before you attempt to recreate any of the recipes I have listed on this blog, there are a few things of which you should be made aware:

• I'm incredibly sarcastic. If you have no sense of humor or take everything literally, click out of my blog. Immediately.
  
• I'm a bored, unemployed Italian girl in Staten Island. I'm not Martha Stewart, in case you had us confused.
  
• I don't do "measurements." A *handfull* of this, a *pinch* of that, a *dash* of...it's not that hard. Unless you're 7'2 with gigantic hands. In that case, you might want to scale back a bit.
  
• My kitchen is small and ugly and almost too embarassing to photograph. Almost.
  
• I love Costco, and buy in bulk, even though I have nowhere to put anything. Therefore, lots of recipes will have repetitive ingredients, especially if it's something that's perishable and needs to be used up right away. If you're broke like me, you should benefit from this, too. No food shopping for a week! Sweet!
  
• Most importantly, serving size. I come from a household where a giant dish of pasta is not a meal...it's a side. I now cook for my massive Norwegian boyfriend, who also lacks any perception of portion control. 2 servings probably equals 6 servings in normal cultures. Keep this is mind.
  
  

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Ok, now for the good shizz.... food. Like I said above, I buy in bulk, so this week's meals are going to revolve around the few following ingredients.

-Grape tomatoes

This container is half empty, too... peep these bad boys.

-Asparagus
-Roasted red peppers (store-bought... unless you want to make your own, which is even better)
-Baby red potatoes
-Boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Low sodium chicken broth (try Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods. It's only about 10 bucks at Costco for 6 32-0z cartons, and it's sooo much better than Campbell's!)
-Frozen talapia fillets
-Frozen cod fillets

And here are a few things I always have in my kitchen:

-Fresh garlic
-Olive oil
-Balsamic vinegar
-Wine (lush)
-Some type of cheese
-Red pepper flakes
-Good ol' salt & pepper

Which leads to tonight's recipe...

Oven-roasted Asparagus, Breaded Chicken Strips, and Roasted Potatoes with Roasted Red Pepper Purée

Makes 2 Servings (I'm warning you... read above... we eat like animals.)

Ingredients

Oven Roasted Asparagus:

-2 handfuls of asparagus stalks
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder (You know I love real garlic, but it will burn too quickly in this recipe)
-Salt & Pepper, to taste

Breaded Chicken Strips:
-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Italian-style breadcrumbs (4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs work well)
-1 egg
-Olive oil
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano do the trick)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Potatoes
-About 10 baby red potatoes
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder
-Chives (fresh or dried)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Red Pepper Purée
-12 oz roasted red peppers (1 small jar, half a large jar)
-Olive oil (noticing a trend?)
-1 clove garlic
-Red wine (red wine vinegar works fine, as well)
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Salt & Pepper

Steps

-The potatoes will take the longest, so I always prepare them first. Thoroughly wash the potatoes (you'll be keeping the skins on), and cut them in half. Place them in a large baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, and sprinkle with garlic powder, chives, and salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for 40-60 minutes at 400° F, or until fork tender.
Tip: Remove the pan from the oven every 10-15 minutes and give the potatoes a stir to ensure even cooking.
-The asparagus will be prepared almost the exact same way, though they cook in less than half the amount of time. Place the asparagus stalks in another baking pan, drizzling with garlic powder, salt and pepper. This can be placed in the oven at the same temperature for 20 minutes, or until fork tender. The 10-minute-stir tip also works out here quite nicely.
-Coat a nonstick or stainless steel pan with olive oil, and place on the stove over high heat.
-Set aside 2 large bowls. Crack an egg into one, whisking until smooth. Fill the second bowl with breadcrumbs, seasoning with salt, pepper, and grated cheese.

-Slice raw chicken breasts into narrow strips. Drop each strip into the whisked egg, followed by the bowl of breadcrumbs. Once the strip is fully coated with breadcrumbs, drop into the hot oiled pan.


Tip: The chicken strips will cook quickly. A few minutes on each side, especially over a high flame, should be enough. If you're unsure, cut into the center of the thickest chicken strip, and make sure it's not still pink.


-Arrange roasted asparagus, breaded chicken strips, and roasted potatoes on a dish. Drizzle with roasted red pepper purée (see below).

Roasted Red Pepper Purée

-Place roasted red peppers in a blender.
-Add garlic clove, 2 tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp red wine, a dash of cumin, and a dash of cayenne (or more, depending on how much spice you like) on top of the peppers. Add salt & pepper.
-Cover and purée until smooth. It literally took me 5 seconds, but then again, my blender is awesome.
Tip: Store leftover purée in a airtight container and keep refrigerated for future meals. To keep purée from trying out, drizzle a little olive oil on top of the leftovers.

Eat up, bitch!