You're gonna love my nuts.
(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)
For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...
I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.
Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.
STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.
To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.
What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.
Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese
Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings
Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper
Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.
-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.
-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.
And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.
Here's another idea-- You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:
1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper
Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper
You get the idea.
I'M BACK, BITCHES!
No comments:
Post a Comment