THE UNEMPLOYED CHEF

2011 = A whole month of FAIL

2011-02-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

Wasn't I supposed to post my "Video Documentary" following Christmas 2010?

Well, February 1, 2011 follows Christmas 2010, so I kept my promise...right?

Enjoy.

Side note: Isn't this blog supposed to be about food?

Black Friday blows

2010-12-05T19:50:00.001-08:00

Yeah, not my most imaginative title, but I'm at a loss for a humorous metaphor or witty pun that expresses the fact that...

BLACK FRIDAY BLOWS.

NOTE: I did in fact start this post on Friday, November 26th, 2010. But, of course, I then became too busy/distracted/adorable to take the time and post it online. Having to actually go out and earn a living blows, just like Black Friday. Which bring me to my next point...

(Written on 11/26/10)

Happy Black Friday!!! While you assholes are lined up from 4 AM so you can save 50¢ on a microwave or whatever, I'm "working" a double-shift on a post-Thanksgiving food hangover so I can actually afford to buy a Christmas gift or two (for myself). Yes, I'm still wearing elastic-waisted pants. And yes, I did say "working." When my motivation kicks in, you know there is something very wrong with the universe. Rough times, man. Rough times. I'll be like everyone else and blame the economy.

So I'm sure your chonies have been dampened with excitement in the anticipation of my annual Thanksgiving post, but that's not quite what I have for you today. I'll wait a minute for you to dry off.

....

Anyway, let's be real, Thanksgiving is really not about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving = Christmas is approaching. Which also = I get to start my mornings with Hot Toddy's instead of coffee. Not that I drink coffee anyway (can you really imagine me on caffeine?), but at least it gives me a reason to drink before 5 PM (or 9 AM) without judgment.

And mentioning Christmas also gives me a reason (like I need to reason) to post up photos of my GORGEOUS 2009 Christmas tree.

Glamour. Sophistication. Elegance. Class.

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

Seductive Santa. Smolder on, boo.

Angry Santa takes out frustration on innocent Gingerbread Man. Behold her RAGE!

Dejected Elf is not feeling the holiday spirit. Hang in there!

Alert Elf is watching you at all times. She sees you when you're sleeping, she knows when you're awake...

This was only here because the tree needed some real SEX appeal.

I don't even know what to say about this one. I was double-mad at her for not returning my calls.

Mairead the Red-Nosed Irish Whore.

Unemployed Santa needed a new way to pay for gifts this year...

Smooth Santa getz all da ladiez.

Perplexed Elf is in a conundrum over how to put together wooden soldiers..

Well... every tree needs a STAR on top! This one gets 2!

However, these stunning ornaments were not only beautiful and selfless gifts for my wonderful friends. They also served as a warning. If one failed to remove his or her head by Christmas Eve, there were serious consequences. Whomever's heads remained on my tree on Christmas morning were to be defaced in the following ways:

a) Destruction by fire
b) Destruction by urination
c) Defacing image with multiple penis drawings
d) Running over ornament with car or other large vehicle
e) All of the above

There were, in fact, 2 stupid remaining heads that I woke up to last Christmas morning. I have been waiting since last December, 2009, plotting their ultimate destruction. This Christmas, I will be in Tucson, Arizona, in the middle of the desert, with plenty of room (and privacy) for public fire (and urination) without arson charges. Feliz Navidad, bitches.

Stay tuned for a video documentary in my post following Christmas 2010.

Oh, and if your chonies still haven't dried off from earlier, here's a link to last year's "Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving" post.

The Unemployed Chef's "It's-December-so-I'm-Allowed-to-be-Drunk-on-a-Regular-Basis-and-Say-It's-to-Keep-Me-Warm" Hot Toddy

Makes 1 Serving. For alcoholics, makes .037 servings. Have more than one, you pansy. 'Tis the season. Don't disappoint Jesus.

So I started writing this and realized I already gave you a Hot Toddy recipe in last year's "Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side" post. Guess I had a few too many. Whoops. Boring for you, lucky for me. Because I'm lazy. Copy and paste time!

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)

As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.

-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!

-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!

I had to forgo my big-ass mug for this sweet glass so you can actually see the drink.

That's a cinnamon stick, not a turd.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. (Or in this case, served hot and pan-fried, with a side of annoying)

2010-11-21T07:31:00.000-08:00

And thus, we begin today's lesson on fish.

Also, while trying to find the rights to this image via the most reliable source on the Internet (Google Image Search, OBVIOUSLY), I came across this gem. Really, it is more likely than you think.

dailykos.com
Good fish should not smell...well, like fish. Vaginal bacterial infection scent =/= your shopping criteria when purchasing seafood.

Also, it probably shouldn't sing. But, this is inevitably what happens when you roll my squash down the hallway and smash my camera. Asshole.

(If you have no idea why I would plot revenge upon this poor Ginger man, check out this post and this video.)

That being said, a fresh piece of fish requires little work and ingredients. I mean, I don't know if I should even call the following a "recipe.". I guess it's more of a techique. Good piece of salmon + olive oil heated correctly = heaven.

Pan-fried Salmon

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 salmon filets with skin on, 1 inch thick (This is simply my personal preference, but I prefer the long, thick [that's what she said] cuts of salmon over the wider, thinner cuts. They stay moister [I can't] throughout cooking.

-Olive oil (about 2 tbsp)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Season salmon filets with salt and pepper, rubbing the spices into the fish. Set aside (not refrigerated) for about 30 minutes prior to cooking.
-Heat a nonstick frying pan or skillet over medium low heat. Add oil to pan (swirl to coat, and allow to slowly heat up for a few minutes (this prevents you from burning your oil, which changes its taste).
-Turn the heat up to medium high for 1 minute, and then add your salmon filets to the pan, skin side up. In order to top your salmon with the perfect crispy crust (without breadcrumbs), hot oil is crucial.

-Cook for 4-5 minutes (adjust time according to thickness), and then flip filets. Cook for an additional 3-4 minutes. Remove from heat, and allow fillets to sit in the pan for another minute or so (they will continue to cook).

-Serve with or without skin. (The skin will be extra crispy: salmon skin roll-quality. YOU KNOW HOW I DO!)

Pop Ya Collardz

2010-11-11T03:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know, lamest title ever. But since Jersey Shore Season 2 is over, I needed a reason to post this exquisite Guido portrait. What better reason than a post about popped collar(d)s?

Stolen from knowyourmeme.com
I admit the sweet swatches of fabric over these lucious tangerine bodies are more of a turtleneck/deep-V hybrid, but you get the idea.

Here's some more popped collar for good measure:

Stolen from Nextgenerationfl.blogspot.com
Now listen. I'm about as southern as Sweden. But I needed something full of butter, grease, and bacon to counteract last week's cop-out meal.

Behold: This northerner's take on "collard greens." The quotation marks make it less offensive.
(Check out the video below at 43 seconds to get the joke.)

I'm sure this recipe is far from authentic, so STFU. It tastes delicious.

So break out the plungers, bitches! Because here comes an artery clog.

Collard Greens with Garlic, Onions, and Bacon

Makes 2 (side) servings

Ingredients
-1 bunch collard greens, stems removed
-6 slices of pork bacon
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Butter
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Red pepper flakes (optional)

Steps

-Place collard greens in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer for about an hour, or until collards are tender. WARNING: your house will smell like farts. BASK IN THE AMBIANCE! (Anyone get the White Chicks reference? Anyone?)

And I can't mention White Chicks without posting this:

-In the meantime, heat a frying pan or skillet over medium-high heat. Add chopped bacon, and cook (stirring occasionally) until crisp and pan is nice n' greasy. Remove bacon and set aside, reserving the grease.
-Add onion to the pan, and fry in the bacon grease until soft, translucent, and just starting to brown (much like Lee Hotti's flaccid shaft after a long, laborious tanning shesh).

I had to sneak another gueed pic in there somewhere. Don't hate.

-Add garlic to the pan with the onion, and cook for about 3 more minutes, stirring frequently. Add butter/olive oil to the pan as needed (a pat and a splash should do ya.).

-Transfer the collards to the pan, along with the reserved bacon.

-Reduce heat to a simmer. Stir, seasoning with salt and pepper, to taste, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

Sausagefest: Part II

2010-11-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

Sluts rejoice. This is another sausage post.

I borrowed (just kidding, I stole) this recipe from Cooking Light magazine. Yes, Cooking Light. Not "Cooking With 10 lbs of Heavy Cream and Butter."

Don't judge me! It's delicious.

So here's the skinny--this recipe will keep you skinny. Just like the incredibly healthy Lara Flynn Boyle:

Hey Guys, does my clavicle look fat in this?
Unless you keep the Unemployed Chef tradition alive and triple the portions. This ensures you keep your FUPA (Fat Upper Pussy Area) prevelent. Like these hotties:

You know they're jealous of babygirl Ginge on the right because she's the hot one.
Of course, I had to tweak it a little. A little more garlic, little more onion. So, worse breath, but the calories are still about the same. Ewww, I said calories. Here's a little something-something to counteract that statement.

Courtesy of ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com

Cellentani with Tomatoes, Sausage, & Fresh Pecorino-Romano

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb Cellentani (curly, tube-shaped) pasta (or penne, as Cooking Light suggests. Or any other ridged, tube-shaped pasta)
-1/2 lb sweet Italian sausage (about 2 short, choad-like links)
-2 tsp olive oil (a drizzle, swirled to coat pan)
-1 small yellow onion (or half a medium onion), chopped
-4 garlic cloves
-3-4 ripe Roma or vine-ripened tomatoes, roughly chopped (no need to peel or seed)
-Chunk of fresh Pecorino-Romano cheese (Hell yeah.)
-A handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped, plus more for garnish (Fancypants)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Add sausage and cook, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink (about 5 minutes). Add onion to the pan with the sausage, and cook until sausage is browned and onions are translucent, stirring occasionally (about 5 minutes).

-Add garlic to the sausage-&-onion mixture, and cook for about 2 minutes. Add chopped tomatoes, and cook until heated through. Remove from heat.

-Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, and add to pan mixture. Grate cheese (to taste) over pasta; add salt, pepper, and chopped basil, and mix to combine.

-Plate pasta, add a little extra cheese, and garnish with remaining basil leaves.

WARNING: The following post is a total Sausagefest

2010-10-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this month's regular SQUASH programming to bring you another seasonal delight:

SAUSAGE!

(And let's be honest, I can handle a smattering of sausage all year round--NAHMEAN??!!)

I wish I could say this was an authentic German beer&brats Oktoberfest recipe, but that would be a lie. And would I lie to you? Well, yes, if I would, if I wouldn't get caught, but this recipe uses Italian pork sausage. I mean, it's written right there in the ingredients. And I stole the recipe right off MSN.com's homepage a month or so back, linking the recipe back to Marthastewart.com. How German.

Anywhoozer, I saw "beer" and "sausage," and figured there was no way to go wrong. (Edit: There are many ways the two can go wrong. Usually starting with beer.)

Since it pains me to use a bottle of beer (or, for 2 servings, half a bottle of beer) in a recipe where the alcohol is being cooked out, I used the cheapest shizz I could find. Yes, it calls for "pale ale," but why not...La Playa? A 6-pack is $3.99 at Trader Joes, as is the rest of their obscure canned 6-packs.

Yes, all the ink is worn off of my measuring up. How do I know how it's up to the former 1-cup line? Because I'm awesome.
Oh, and I wanted the short, fat pork sausages that look like choads, but they weren't readily available. (And seriously, if you were cursed with the unfortunate "choad," you should always be readily available. You need to take whatever you can get. Just saying.)

So, I halved my sausage to choad-ify it. Mostly I did it because I wasn't that hungry. I know, can you believe it? Me, not hungry? Well, I did eat an hour beforehand...

Another note--my first attempt at this recipe was a FAIL. Not so much of a fail that it was inedible (it actually tasted delicious, if not a tad greasy), but more of unphotographable (is that a word? I so want it to be a word) fail.

Basically, I burnt my sausage.

I mean, 8 minutes of frying followed by 7 minutes with onion? No offense, Martha, but ummm...no. My shizz burnt after 2 minutes. Not a good look.

I edited the recipe's steps accordingly. If you have an amazing dutch oven (ha) with a non-stick bottom, go ahead and fry everything up in one pan. It'll be delicious. Just go easy on the oil, since it tends to separate from a beer a bit when boiled down and reduced.

Sausage, Beer, and Warm Potato Salad

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1/2 lb--3/4 lb sweet Italian sausage (2 links)
-1 small or medium (smedium?) yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
-6 ounces, or about a cup, of beer (Again, check out the gem I used above. Tasted like Miller Lite. You can do better, my loyal readers. You can do better.)
-Baby red potatoes (about 8-10 potatoes. Should be about 1/2 lb.), scrubbed and halved
-1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar
-Olive oil (enough to coat pan, and 1/2 tbsp for potato salad)
-Fresh parsley (a small handful, chopped)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

Again, I modified the recipe for my second trial, because I didn't want to take pictures of burnt sausage. I'm sure you can find a photo of the Situation's peen after an intense tanning session somewhere on the internet. My webpage is too classy for that nonsense...

...no it's not.

TURTLENECKIN' LIKE CHAMPS!

-In a nonstick frying pan or skillet, heat a drop of olive oil (swirl it to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add sausage, fry until browned on all sides, and remove from pan. (Yeah, you'll have to wash an extra dish or so. DEAL WITH IT.)

-Add onions to the hot oil, and fry (stirring occasionally) until soft and translucent. Remove from heat.

With a slotted spoon, remove the onions from the pan and place in a deep dutch oven (ha). I suggest a slotted spoon so you don't transfer over all of the oil--trust me, I like me some grease, but in this recipe it separates from the beer.
-Add the sausage, potatoes, beer, 2 cups water, salt and pepper to the dutch oven (once again, ha). Bring pot to a boil, cover, and cook on medium heat for about 20 minutes (or until the potatoes are soft).

-Remove sausage from dutch oven (ha³) and set aside. Remove potatoes (here's another situation--no, not that situation--where that slotted spoon comes in handy) and place in a large bowl. Mix with 1/2 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1/2 tbsp olive oil, and chopped parsley.

Shameless, artsy zoomed potato pic self promo
-Crank up the heat to high and boil the dutch oven's remaining liquid/onions until it's reduced (Martha suggests 12 minutes, so let's go with that). Lower heat, and add sausages back to the pot for a minute or two to reheat.
-Arrange sausage and potato salad in a shallow bowl, and drizzle with liquid/onion mixture. And since all the alcohol is cooked out, make sure you have another beer with dinner. I mean, I had at least 3 while preparing this (and writing this). Tis the season.

Does this blog post anger you? Please, let's just SQUASH the drama...

2010-10-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a weekend up in the Poconos (like way up there: Lake Ariel-area, to be exact). I've been spoiled on three whole days of Rusty's cooking. Here's a little sneak peek of what my weekend entailed:

And for some reason, Rusty's a fan of my blog--crazy, right? I mean, have you seen the shit I put on here?
PS: And yes, I enlightened Rusty on the definition of the Rusty Trombone. Good times.

Anyway, now that I've got your attention (and hunger), I can proceed with being a total dick.

The above photos have absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog post or it's featured recipe.

Why in fact...

...it's another SQUASH post!!!

Recognize the sexy acorn above? Well you should, because it's the same survivor from the "Stop, Drop & Roll..Squash" video featured in last week's post. And yes, the dent on the bottom is from colliding with my camera lens.

Well, anyway, Sexy Acorn was sitting up in the ICU (AKA a ceramic bowl on my pathetic wooden square of counter space) for about a week, resting up for his big day (and so I could once again taunt your starving souls with yet another squash post).

He even made a friend while in recovery:

(Taken with my phone camera, so excuse the photo quality)

Awwwww. How precious...

...until I baked his ass.

Roll THIS, Bitches!

Baked Acorn Squash with Honey and Brown Sugar*
*Again, borrowed from my squash BIBLE, whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

-1 acorn squash, halved

-2 tbsp butter

-2 tbsp honey

-2 tsp dark brown sugar

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-Cut squash in half lengthwise, and remove seeds and pulp. Reserve seeds if you're a conservationist (or poor) and would like a toasted snack.

-Place squash halves, cut sides up, in a glass baking dish. Add about 1/4 inch of water to the dish, and scrape the squash's insides with a fork (don't worry, he's a masochist).

-Fill squash halves with equal portions butter, honey, and brown sugar. Sprinkle with a dash of salt and pepper.

-Bake at 375° for at least 1 hour. After an hour, check with a fork to see if your squash is done. It should slide easily into the flesh (again, no worries--he likes it). If it's, er, "resisting," throw that baby back into the oven for another 15, 20 minutes. I reached succulent, baked perfection after 1 hour and 20 minutes.

-Remove squash from oven, plate, and serve.

Pardon the fork indent. I was checking Sexy Acorn's doneness and got a little carried away.

If you are still upset over my above teaser photos (GTFOverIt), here's some good news. I actually cooked the meal in the last photo, with the orzo, tomato salad, and chicken cutlet. Check out the Mediterranean-style Orzo recipe here.

Squash: The Sequel

2010-09-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

This title should immediately conjure up some memories. But just in case you don't stalk my life (shoutout to Pauly D) and remember my every last post, here is a refresher course:

Vintage squash post circa July 2009:
Butternut Squash Risotto / My precious "Kabocha" getting (almost) run over by a Nissan Murano

And this one, for good measure:
Butternut Squash & Red Potato Soup + A peek at my sexy 49¢ placemats

Yes, September brings the birth of both football season and Oktoberfest (and yes, it begins in September, not October...silly Germans). But fall is also the season of SQUASH! This excites me to an extremely inappropriate degree (probably because I've been consistently drunk throughout the entire season).

Nothing brings me more pleasure than a man returning home from a long day of work and a grueling gym workout, expecting a hearty meal of steak and roasted potatoes, only to find this:

REAL MEN EAT ACORN SQUASH.

Or throw bitchfits, as my loving boyfriend did in the video below:

Delicata squash* doesn't roll as well (more of a phallic shape...double revenge), so it beat out the acorn squash for dinner that evening.

*Recipe stolen from http://whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm. Perfect beginner's site, for those who want to become obsessed with squash.

Delicata Squash with Chili-Lime Butter

Makes 2 Servings

Ingredients
-2 delicata squashes (see photo below)
-1/2 stick of butter, softened
-1 lime, juiced
-A dash or 2 of chili powder
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Half delicata squash and remove seeds/fibers.

-Place face-down in a glass baking dish. Add about 1/4 inch of water to the dish.

-Bake at 350° for 30 minutes.
-Meanwhile, combine butter, lime juice, chili powder, and salt & pepper in a small bowl. Set aside.
-Remove squash from oven, and fill it's insides with the chili-lime butter (sounds kinky...and also sounds like a clogged artery. Yum!).

Delicata squash is a summer squash, like zucchini. So you can eat the skin.

REAL MEN EAT DELICATA.

PS: And because I'm a broke bitch, I waste nothing. You can reserve the seeds (wash off the fibers) and toast them as you would pumpkin seeds.

Once again, because I'm too drunk/lazy, check out this page (scroll down to the bottom) for seed ideas: http://whatscookingamerica.net/squash.htm

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-cohol

2010-09-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

OK, so if you haven't noticed, both football season and Oktoberfest are officially here. Yours truely has been spending a lot more time drinking than cooking. From the bottom of my blackened liver, I am deeply, deeply sorry. But you'll get over it.

When I start brewing my own beer, I'll have a recipe for you. Until then...

...

...this is all I've got.

(I apologize to everyone who I've sent this to repeatedly over the past 4 years. Actually, I take that back. You should be graciously thanking me for blessing your eyes with this equisite Norwegian beauty's stark white ass. So...you're welcome.)

Can't Beat This Meat

2010-08-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Some of you may wonder why I have so few (red) meat recipes on here. Allow me to explain. I am a vegetarian by no means. Nor am I healthy. I am just poor. Red meat is expensive, and therefore, reserved for special occasions. (I used to have this rule for alchohol, until "special occasions" became "it's 2:47 PM" and "I'm blogging.")

My mom also yelled at me for not cooking enough meat for the BF. "He's a big boy, he needs some meat!" Does she not realize we currently live in Chelsea, NYC? If he needs meat, he can get it--but I'm pretty sure that leaves me out of the picture.

There was, however, a brief period of time where I discovered cheap red meat in NYC--Western Beef. In particular, the Western Beef on 16th St by the Fulton projects. Where steak costs less than a small box of cereal. Low and behold, there were about 4-5 months where "steak night" became as ritual as, well, this:

Then we had a summer that hovered consistantly at 95 degrees--Swamp ass galore! Seeing as Western Beef is pretty far from my house, and my lazy ass refuses to walk in jungle weather with heavy bags...let's just say it's been a pasta kind of summer.

Then one day it was slightly less swampy-assy outside. I decided my household deserved a little dead animal on its dinner table. So I decided to STRUT THAT ASS* over to Western Beef. I brought home an extremely cheap family pack of boneless, skinless chicken thighs, which leaked all over my clothes on the trek home. I opened the packaging (which was basically already open, seeing as I could have won a salmonella wet T-shirt contest), and caught a whiff of ROTTEN EGGS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I strutted that ass for bad chicken???!!! Western Beef, you are now on my shit-list with Gristedes. I hate you. And I retract my ass-strut. Never again.

*I really just wanted to post this video up here. Yeah, I know it's old news. I don't care.

And of course, the auto-tune version:

Well, I was browsing through old photos, when Western Beef and I were still homies, and got a little sentimental. Here's an example of the good times that you and I once shared. You will miss me now that I'm gone.

Marinaded Steak with Wilted Spinach

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-1 lb. round steak, thinly sliced (It will usually be labeled as "Pepper Steak." Ask your butcher to slice it for you if you can't find it presliced. After a little marinading, this CHEAP cut of beef still tastes awesome. But you can also substitute flank or skirt steak for the round, if that's your preference.)
-1/4 c Red wine (I used a Sangiovese by Il Bastardo. There was no reasoning behind this--it was the cheapest wine in the liquor store.)
-1/4 c Reduced-sodium soy sauce, plus a little extra
-2 Garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
-2 tsp Sugar
-Peanut oil (You can use whatever you have on hand, but this is what I used)
-4-5 "big handfuls" of spinach
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Jasmine rice (optional)

Steps
-Rinse/dry steak slices, and sprinkle with salt and pepper.

-In a large, non-reactive bowl, combine first 5 ingredients. Cover and leave out at room temperature for about an hour.

-Heat oil in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. Add steak to pan, in intervals if needed (to avoid crowding the pan), cooking slices a minute per side for medium rare. (The wine cooks the meat slightly, and it continues to cook when removed from heat, anyway). Remove from heat and let rest.

-Meanwhile, in a saucepan with raised sides, bring salted water to a boil. Add spinach to pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Drain and return to the pan, seasoning with soy sauce, salt, and pepper, to taste.
-If you are preparing the Jasmine rice, cook according to package directions. Seriously, I'm not telling you how to cook rice. It's right on the packaging. And if you are not literate, why are you on my blog anyway? The sexy photos and Youtube videos that have nothing to do with the featured recipe?

Yeah, that's probably it.

Here ya go:

DON'T HATE. MARINATE.

Pork + Cherries = Too many obvious jokes.

2010-08-19T18:42:00.000-07:00

I still remember my very first post. I created this blog solely because my new camera had a "Gourmet Food" setting. (Side note: The only reason I received a new camera was because Ken--the BF--dropped my old one in Norway during a parade, where it not only smashed screen-first onto the concrete sidewalk, but additionally got trampled by a stampede of giant Vikings. This = you buy me a new camera, bitch.)

Little did I know that any of you losers (love you guys!) would actually be interested in this cesspool of crap. And that I would still be entertaining you losers (again, I say this out of love) today.

Sometimes I don't blog for a week or so, and then conjure up some random greatness out of nowhere ("out of nowhere" = "I'm probably drinking"). And I get that rush like I'm starting a whole new blog.

I feel like I'm popping my (blog's) cherry all over again.

I really want this metaphor to work, because I have no idea how else to introduce a recipe like Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction. Sex and fart jokes are all I've got.

Roasted Pork Chops with Black Cherry Reduction

PS: Totally stole this shizz from here.

Makes 2 pork chops

Ingredients
-2 Bone-in center cut pork chops, about 1 inch thick
-2 tbsp red wine/red wine vinegar (which is what I used, because I didn't have any red wine on hand. Alcohol doesn't last long in my house.)
-Butter (about 3 tbsp)
-2 shallots, chopped
-1/4 c beef broth
-1 1/2 - 2 c frozen pitted black cherries, defrosted (reserve juice)
-A *sprinkle* of dried rosemary leaves (I'm sure fresh would be even better)
-Olive oil (or whatever you have an hand)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil over medium high heat. Season your pork chops with salt, pepper, and whatever other goodies you like (I tend to use a little garlic powder or paprika).

-Add pork chops to the hot oil (1 at a time, if you have a mini-skillet like me--frying evenly is more important than efficiency), cooking for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove from pan and place in a glass baking dish.

-Bake pork chops at 350° for about 20 minutes, or until they are cooked through.
-Meanwhile, reserving the luscious pork chop grease, reheat pan over medium heat, adding butter. Twirl pan until butter is melted and covers entire surface.
-Add chopped shallots and defrosted cherries + juice to the pan. Cook for about 2-3 minutes, until shallots are tender but not brown.

-Add red wine/red wine vinegar and beef broth to pan, and cook (stirring occasionally) until mixture simmers.
-Add rosemary, and continue to simmer until sauce reduces. Season with salt and pepper to taste, and pour over baked pork chops.

Whole Foods Hummus....Sexy, Single & FREE!

2010-07-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ehhh... I don't know if this qualifies as a post. Perhaps this is more of a "Hey-guess-what-I-did-today" ramble that I really want to share, but no one cares. So you'll be the ones to suffer.

Due to the gap in my regular blogging, I can't quite remember if I've divulged my love/hate relationship with Whole Foods to my loyal readers. If I have, here is some repetition.

OK, Whole Foods: For the most part, it's incredibly overpriced, and I could give a shit if my food is organic. However, everything in Manhattan is overpriced...and the food in Whole Foods is usually pretty good ("Usually"="except for that time I ate almost an entire case of arugula before I noticed 3 dead ladybugs at the bottom." Yeah, I guess it's better than roaches--the usual NYC fare. But I would prefer the pesticides to the bugs.)

That being said, certain things actually are cheaper at Whole Foods than in the typical Manhattan chains. For instance, take Gristedes. You know what, Gristedes just overall sucks and the food is usually expired. Don't give them your business. Ken (the BF) shops here because he's lazy, and it's right downstairs, which pisses me off. Giving in to the MAN! Exactly what "he" wants. Ken also shops here because the evening-shift checkout lady calls him "baby" and says he looks like a red-headed "Dexter." (He doesn't.)

Earlier today, I found a Whole Foods coupon for a free container of hummus with any $25.00 purchase (and let's be real, with NYC prices, that's a box of cereal). So you know my cheap ass strutted on over simply because, well...it's FREE.

I bet it tastes delicious. Everything free does. Maybe that's why hookers are never as enjoyable (or so I hear).

Anyway, I found these OLD photos of some hummus I made awhile back, and figured today's episode would be a good reason to give them some face time. It's actually "bootleg" hummus, since I had no tahini paste (nor any desire to buy some), and I used peanut butter instead. STFU. No one could tell the difference.

The Unemployed Chef's Bootleg Hummus (that tastes like non-bootleg hummus, IMO)

Makes 1 small bowl of hummus. I mean, how much can you eat at once? It's beans. You'll poop your pants.

Ingredients
-1 12-oz can chick peas/garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed (reserving liquid)
-1-2 garlic cloves, minced
-1 tbsp lemon juice (fresh)
-1 tbsp peanut butter
-1 tbsp olive oil
-Dash of cumin
-Salt & pepper, to taste
-Paprika (optional)

Steps
-Place the first 7 ingredients in a blender or food processor (reserve a few chickpeas if you want to be "fancy," as in my exquisite photo below).
-Puree until smooth. If mixture is too thick, add reserved chickpea liquid as needed.
-"Garnish" (fancy-pants) with paprika and reserved chickpeas, if ya want.

Here's a little extra You Don't Miss With The Zohan/Hummus goodness. Enjoy.

Wake up and smell the... carbs/liquor.

2010-07-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

AMERICA. The land of freedom, baseball, apple pie, obesity, and the Drunken Brunch. I don't get it. Europeans have mastered the art of the siesta, and serve alcohol at McDonald's, but dismiss the Drunken Brunch. Well, they'll catch up soon enough, since it seems that all trends make it there, eventually. Like in 2005, when I lived in Rome, and mullets were just starting to grace those sweet Italian heads.

Real photos:

Rome 2005

Barcelona, 2005

I threw in a Spanish mullet for good measure. I know the guy on the right is mull-free, but he's sexy so he stays.

But enough of that. Back to the drunken brunch. To me, there is nothing better in this world then stumbling out of bed at noon, only to return to bed an hour later in a carb/alcohol-induced coma.

Allow me to introduce my Drunken Brunch staple-- The Strata. Eggs, Bread, Cheese, Meat. A hint of veggies. Your whole day's food pyramid, shoved into one meal. And washed down (stay tuned) with some of the good stuff.

Sausage, Onion, & Spinach Strata

Enough to serve 6-8 people. Even greedy bastards like me. It took me a week to finish the leftovers.

Ingredients
-8 eggs
-8 thick slices sourdough bread, cut into small cubes
-2 cups milk
-About 4-6 medium hot Italian sausage links, casings removed
-1 large or 2 medium Spanish onions, diced
-2 handfuls baby spinach leaves
-About 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
-Olive oil
-Dash of dry mustard
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Arrange bread cubes in a glass baking dish.

-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions, and cook until translucent. Remove from pan, and spread over bread cubes in a uniform layer.

-Using the same oil, crumble sausage into the hot frying pan, and cook until browned. Remove from pan, and layer on top of onions.

-Once again, add spinach leaves to the hot frying pan, and cook in the oil for a minute or so, stirring until leaves are wilted. Remove from pan, and layer on top of sausage.

-Meanwhile, in a large bowl, beat eggs, milk, dry mustard, cheese, salt and pepper. Pour mixture on top of the bread-onion-sausage-spinach pile. Cover, and refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.

-Before baking, remove your baking dish from the refrigerator, and allow to sit at room temperature for about 30 minutes.
-Bake at 350° for 1 hour.

(Allow Strata to sit for about 10-15 minutes before serving)

And you didn't think I'd leave you without a little something to wash down your strata, did you? Most of my friends are fans of the Mimosa (O.J. + Champagne... Not Simpson... I feel the need to clarify because some of my readers are idiots). Yours truly, however, prefers the Bloody Mary. I find that very few people from my generation appreciate the Bloody Mary, or understand the wonders it does for hangovers (tomatoes' potassium + a "bite of the dog that bit ya").

I recently visited my friend Tambry in New Orleans, however, where locals understand the importance of starting your day with well-concocted Bloody Mary. (Then again, this is also a city that has drive through Daquiri stands).

I used to use tomato juice or V8 as my Bloody Mary's base, and avoid mixes at all costs. As you might remember from this post, your mom's libation of choice:

But Tambry turned me on to Pat O'briens Bloody Mary mix, with the New Orleans staple, a pickled green bean. F celery. Pickled greenbeans are where it's at. And maybe even a little hot pickled okra. Yum. I'm officially a fan.

New Orleans-Style Bloody Mary

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Pat O'Briens mix (or tomato juice/V8...don't worry, you're gonna spice that shizz up)

-Vodka

-Worcestershire sauce

-Lemon

-Pickled greenbeans

-Pickled okra

-Horseradish (optional)

....Really, steps for a drink?

Ugh, fine.

Steps

-Put ice in a glass.

-Pour a good amount of vodka over ice. (You know I hate measurements, and for drinks I really refuse. However much you can handle. How's that for an amount? Don't be a puss.)

-Pour Bloody Mary mix/tomato juice over vodka.

-Add a squeeze of lemon, a dash of Worcestershire, and a pinch of horseradish (if you like horseradish).
-Stir.
-Garnish (how fancy!) with a pickled green bean and/or okra pod.
-Come to the realization that alcohol can get you through your day far better than coffee or a crappy energy drink that looks/tastes like piss (not that I've tasted piss).
-Pass out after your 5th drink and form a new realization that perhaps alcohol is a better sedative than stimulant. You form this realization after you wake up with your friends taking turns giving you Arabian Goggles and photographing it.

Ya Down With A.D.D. (YEAH YOU KNOW ME)

2010-07-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

So I meant to post this Friday, but then I got sidetracked. It's the story of my life. I have the attention span of my papito Dug from Up (see below).

While, clinically, it's probably A.D.D.; personally, it's just that you're not interesting enough to hold my attention. I mean, I once spent an entire day looking at different varieties of berries on Wikipedia (I'll be honest. I originally googled "dingleberries."), but usually, I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Some people find it to be endearing. It causes me to go off on tangents, supplying you with long, rambling blog posts. I mean, where else can you read about squash, douchy realtors, watermelon (stay tuned) and David Faustino's asshole on the same website? Well, maybe Google.com, but this is a close second.

So I spent July 4th weekend at Rusty's house, and left with 2 things--the motivation to start blogging again, and a watermelon. Like myself, Rusty enjoys a good manchowder joke, and dislikes wasting food. Combine that with my love of drunk blogging, and you get this:

Watermelon juice + vodka + ice = fine quality beverage

I'm so innovative.

Actually, this sucked. Maybe that's because I used Gordon's Vodka. Because nothing screams class/sophistication like a plastic bottle. You know how I do!

Anyhoozer, this blog is actually about pulled pork. I have no idea how to gracefully transition from watermelon to pork, and after a few Watermelontinis (sure, why not), I'm not going to try.

Unfortunately, "pulled pork" isn't another name for your peen post-masterbation. Fortunately, my version of pulled pork will give your dominant hand (for cooking, obviously) a rest, and allow you to rely entirely on your Slow Cooker. Seriously, even a slow cooker could figure out how to use a Slow Cooker.

Pulled Pork with Homemade Barbecue Sauce

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-2 lbs pork shoulder, sliced about 1 inch thick
-2 cups ketchup
-1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
-1/4 cup brown sugar
-1 dash dry mustard
-1 medium yellow onion, chopped
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps
-Place pork slices in your slow cooker.

-Cover pork with the remaining ingredients.

-Cover, and cook on low for 6-8 hours, depending on the strength of your slow cooker. Mine is apparently the Hulk, since after even only a couple of hours my pot is scalding and spitting hot fluid (insert dirty joke here) out of the lid.
-Remove pork shoulder from slow cooker, and remove bones and excess fat (or don't) from the pork. Shred the remaining pork with a fork (poet and I don't know it perhaps?).

Look how bee-yoo-tee-full!
-Behold the beauty of your delicious, waiting-to-be-piled-on-split-Kaiser-rolls pulled pork.
-Eat up, Fatties!

Fettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

2010-07-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

If this post's title doesn't ring a bell, check out the video below:

You're gonna love my nuts.

(If you can't stand all 3 minutes and 16 seconds, begin the video at 3:09. You'll get the reference.)

For those of you who actually have to get up for work in the morning and don't watch infomercials at 4 AM, you may wonder why this exquisite piece of man (better known as Vince Offer) looks familiar to you. Perhaps that's because his true claim to fame was getting punched in the face by a hooker. Silly Vince. If only he had brought along a Shamwow to clean up his mess...

I apologize for this post's dated jokes and references. This is actually a 6-month-old draft that I never published because I decided to give up on this blog for awhile and attempt finding ACTUAL employment.

Yes, I know. I am a failure. My last post was in March. The same month Vince's lady-of-the-evening decided to slap-chop his sexy face. And all my last post said was that I would blog more. Which makes me even more of a failure.

STOP JUDGING ME!!! I am deeply hurt by your nagging, threats, and guilt. I will continue to exploit my sick sense of humor (along with a little bit of cooking) for your twisted pleasure. The Unemployed Chef is back, folks.

To prove how much I care, here is a photo of Bud Bundy passed out naked with a dog eating his asshole.

What, that's not the dinner you were expecting? Well, I think David Faustino's ass is a 5-course meal, but I can't think of anyway to connect it to my post's title. So here's a little something I whipped up almost 2 years ago, in the early stages of my unemployment. Awww, sentimental tears.

Shrimp Linguine (or Fettucine...hence the Slap-Chop reference) Caprese

Makes 4-6 normal servings, 2 Fat-Bastard servings

Ingredients
-1 lb linguine or fettucine (I used fresh spinach linguine)
-5 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
-2 "big handfuls" of baby shrimp, deveined and tails removed (In fact, if you can purchase a bag of frozen, precooked/precleaned baby shrimp at say--Costco--it might save you a whole lotta time)
-2 "big handfuls" of grape or cherry tomatoes, halved lengthwise
-2 "big handfuls" of baby spinach leaves
-1 handful of torn basil leaves
-Mozzarella cheese, thickly shredded or cut into cubes
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat. Once oil is hot, add your garlic and cook until just starting to brown (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally.
-Add your tomatoes to the pan, stirring occasionally. Cook until tomatoes start to collapse, about 5-7 minutes. Season the tomatoes with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper, to taste.

-Cook pasta according to package directions.
-If you purchased frozen shrimp, the easiest way to defrost them is to place them in a deep bowl, and pour cold running water over them. Allow them to sit in the cold water for several minutes, and then drain.

-If your shrimp are NOT precooked, add them to the pan now, cooking and turning the shrimp until they are pink and cooked through. Since these are baby shrimp, 30 seconds on each side is probably enough, since they will continue to cook for a few minutes even after removed from heat.
-Shut off the burner and continue stirring. Add the spinach to your pan and mix with the tomatoes, garlic, shrimp, and oil until wilted.
-Mix the cooked pasta with the pan mixture until linguine (or fettucine) strands are well-coated. Add basil leaves and mozzarella, and stir until melted.

And yes, once again this photo is from a year and a half ago, before I upgraded to my classy 99¢ placemats. Observe my stunning 49¢ granny mats in their glory days! HATERS FALL BACK.

Here's another idea--

You know my broke ass HATES to waste food. So what to do with leftover baby shrimp? Here's what I did:

1 14.5 can Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes + Spaghetti + Onions + Garlic + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

Baby Spinach + Grape Tomatoes + Red Onions + Lemon Juice (fresh) + Olive Oil + Salt&Pepper

You get the idea.

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

Empty Promises.

2010-03-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

I promise to stop sucking at life, and bombard you with months of overdue recipes, like, ASAP. Expect lots of new posts starting Monday, March 29th. Or I give you full permission to kick my ass.

It's Man Chowder, It don't come from no can, It's Man Chowder, It's made by hand...

2010-01-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

Really? That title prompted you to read today's recipe post?

For those of you who had been reading my posts on Buffalo Sports Daily throughout the football season, I apologize. This post is a repeat. That's when you know you've made it big: your posts stream into syndication. Or that could also means you suck, and no one wants to air you on primetime anymore (Except TBS. Very funny.).

Since I've been in such a soup kick lately (stay tuned for lots of soup posts...Soup Nazi in full effect), I thought I would kick it old school (that is, the ancient month of September 2009), and rehash for you my very first Buffalo Sports Daily post--New England Clam Chowdaaah.

OK, I’ll be honest with you. This was my first time ever making New England Clam Chowder in September. Actually, this was my first time making New England Clam Chowder ever, but don’t you worry about that, kitten. The Unemployed Chef does not disappoint. You know, so when you're tailgating or showing off your dish at the big house party, no one can say your “chowdah” tastes more like “manchowdah” (although you can always retaliate with, ‘Why the F do you know what that tastes like?’ Awkward pause.)

Hey, It’s what I do—I look out for you. You’re welcome.

Apparently, traditional New England Clam Chowdaaahhh uses salt pork, not bacon. I personally like both, but since I have about 5 blocks of salt pork in my freezer, tradition served me well. You can use whatever you want. Most Italian butchers carry salt pork. If you’ve never cooked with salt pork before, it should look something like this:

Mmmmm… salt. Fat. Drool.

You can hate on the unhealthiness all you want, but watch what happens when you show up in the parking lot with tofu skewers.

If you can’t find salt pork, no need to get your chonies in a bunch. Bacon or pancetta or even ham hocks are just as delicious and fatty. They definitely have a smokier taste, but aint nothin’ wrong with that.

New England Clam Chowdaaah

Makes one big-ass pot full of chowdah

Ingredients
-About ½ ounce butcher cut salt pork (I used half a butcher block); or 4 strips bacon
-½ Spanish or yellow onion, diced small
-2 Tbsp white flour
-3 Yukon gold potatoes, cut into small cubes
-1 cup bottled clam juice (I used Cento Clam Juice), or reserved clam juice from can (but bottled tastes less like…can.)
-2 6-ounce cans whole baby clams, drained (reserve liquid…just in case)
-1 cup half & half
-½ cup heavy cream
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Remove rind from salt pork. Cut salt pork into small cubes. The easiest way to do this is with a pair of scissors.
-In a deep pot or dutch oven (haha), cook salt pork over medium heat until cubes are crispy. I added the rinds in there, too—totally optional. Depends how much oink oink you want in your chowder. As you can see, mine reeks of Miss Piggy.

-Remove salt pork and rinds from pot, reserving grease. Cook diced onion in the grease until soft and translucent, but not browned (about 5-10 minutes, depending on how big of a batch you’re cooking). Caramelizing the onions will change the taste of the chowder. To avoid that, I cooked the onions with the lid on for half of the time.

-Sprinkle in flour, and stir constantly for 3-5 minutes. Just like the onions, you don’t want to burn your flour.
-Add clam juice, and stir for about 2 minutes.
-Add potatoes, and bring to a boil. Once clam juice is boiling, cover and simmer until potatoes are soft. This took me FOREVER. Usually potatoes take me, like, 15 minutes. I guess there wasn’t enough liquid in the pan to soften those babies up quickly. My advice? Just keep checking them until they’re soft enough.

-Remove lid, and pour in clams. Slowly pour in half & half, followed by your heavy cream.
-Allow your chowder to heat up SLOWLY.. You do NOT want to boil anything with cream! Barf.

-Check for taste, and season with salt and pepper, if necessary. If your chowder’s too thin, add some cornstarch to thicken it up. If you prefer it more soupy (weirdo), you can use some of your reserved can clam juice to thin it out. Or water.

Best thing about revisiting old recipes? Revisiting these gorgeous 49¢ placemats that all you bitches love to hate! Enjoy.

PESTOvus for the Rest of Us

2010-01-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I'm still being washed over by waves of esctasy from last night's game (Jets vs Chargers, 17-14. Holy shit.), it might seem like a strange time to deviate from my recent mass of tailgating recipes. But it's Monday. I mean, you can't eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, right?

(This is hard for me to type, seeing as I'm eating this for breakfast. Yeah, haha. But what makes you so sure I'm kidding?)

Ok, obviously, you can eat chicken strips and beer-battered mac'n'cheese 7 days a week, so just ignore the rest of this blog. Check back in 2 days, when I promise to supply you with something greasy and fatty. Mmmmmm...

Why are you still reading? Oh, your job sucks that much. They are making you work through MLK Day. Bastards! Clearly, your "dream" means nothing, or you'd be allowed to continue it, passed out in bed. Way to stick it to THE MAN! Keep reading!

If you're sitting on your computer, reading this on your day off, you're more of a loser than me. Just saying.

So anyway, Red Pesto. I'm sure most of you have tried (at least at some point in your life), the traditional green pesto sauce. Basil, pine nuts, and other crap. I usually make pesto and then mix it with cream cheese (Fat) before stirring it over ravioli (Fatter). But a "pesto" is anything that contains herbs and nuts (haha...nuts). For instance, I was forced to buy a giant bunch of mint leaves last Friday. I seriously needed like 3 mint leaves for this pea soup recipe (stay tuned), and all they had was this massive bunch for $2.99. WTF. You know I'd normally just rip off a few leaves and put them in my pocket, or mix them in with another green product in my cart (arugula, perhaps). But this Western Beef worker kept following me and trying to make conversation. Ugh. And he was really nice. He seriously followed me around the entire store. Which isn't saying much, because the store is in Manhattan, which means it's about 3 feet long (you wish!).

To make a long story short (or at least shorter), I bought the damned mint leaves, and raged all 10 blocks and 3 avenues back to my apartment. I decided to attempt a "Mint Pesto," because if I let the mint leaves rot, and spent $2.99 for just 3 leaves, I might kill myself. I would deserve it.

So basically, in a food processor, I puréed the entire batch of mint leaves with almonds, garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Not bad. And I poured the pesto into an (empty) ice cube tray, to freeze (in perfect portions) until later use.

Um, this post has nothing to do with Mint Pesto. But basically, I just wanted to share this story so you could be affirmed that I am awesome.

What this post does have to do with is Red Pesto. Here's a little idea I stole from Women's Health magazine (January 2008).

These photos were obviously taken before receiving the best Christmas gift ever--an 11 cup Cuisinart. (Thank you, Aunt Lorraine!) So bear with me while I take it back to the Stone Age with this historic blender.

Red Pesto

Makes about 1 large Chinese-takeout soup container full of pesto

Ingredients
-4 to 6 Plum tomatoes
-Fresh bunch of basil (about 10 leaves)
-A handful of unsalted almonds
-2 to 3 garlic cloves, minced
-Red pepper flakes
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350°. Spread almonds out on a baking sheet, and roast for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally to make sure they are browned on all sides.
-Cut tomatoes into quarters. Place in a food processor or blender. Add basil leaves, almonds, garlic, and red pepper flakes, and purée.

You'll notice how red this looks. That's because my almonds were still in the oven, so I hadn't yet added them to the blender. If your purée looks more like baby diarreah at this point, don't worry. You're on the right track.

-Keep the food processor/blender running, and slowly add about 1/4 cup olive oil to your purée.

-Taste, and season with salt and pepper, if needed. This is a no-cook sauce, so you can use this pesto on pasta/chicken/vegetables immediately, or you can store and refrigerate it, like this:

The pesto will only stay fresh for a few days in the refridgerator, so if you plan to store it for longer than that, I'd suggest freezing it. Like you ~~read~~ skipped over above, freezing pesto into ice cube trays works great.

-Before serving, mix with grated cheese. Here's a little Red Pesto over Penne, served to Shar-dé and Amanda when they came to check out the new crib. Since I made the pesto earlier that day, all I had to do was boil water. Less time in the kitchen = More time reminiscing about/mocking the losers who went to our high school.

And since I had about half a container left over, I became really creative over the next week (I don't waste. Not because I feel bad about wasting food, but because I'm poor, and I insist on using every last scrap of leftovers).

My lunch: Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

(The BF said my Red Pesto reminded him of pizza sauce. Done.)

Makes 1 Mini-Pita Pesto Pizza

Ingredients
-1 pita
-Red Pesto
-A handfull of spinach leaves (or arugula, or romaine, or whatever you have on hand)
-Thinly sliced or shredded cheese (I used swiss. It totally doesn't go with pizza, but that's what I had. It still tasted like heaven. I'd suggest mozzarella, though.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400°. Place pita on a baking sheet, and cover with a thin layer of Red Pesto. Bake for 2-3 minutes, until pita and pesto are warm.

-Top pita with a handful of spinach leaves, and several slices of cheese.

-Pop back in the oven for 5 minutes, or until pita is crisp, and cheese is melted and bubbly.

:::Bows:::

Cereal, chicken, & several inappropriate references to "starfishes"...

2010-01-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

Here is another overdue post that I have to revise, seeing that 2 months later, half of my rambling no longer applies. More work for me, I guess. And you know how I feel about work...

Anyway, the Jets miraculously made it into the playoffs. (I do mean miraculously, because by some miracle, they beat the Colts. And by miracle, I mean the Colts pulled their entire starting lineup.) For Sunday's game against the Chargers, I’ve got a quick and easy (I’ll refrain from the mom jokes this week) TAILGATE-worthy recipe for you: Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips. Really, you don’t need chef skills, time, or money to make this (but it’s sooo good). Before I present you with the recipe, here’s a little background story that you’ll probably skip over.

If any of you have been to Manhattan, you’ll find that nothing in this city comes cheap (except for the free Staten Island ferry, but that leaves you in Staten Island, so I guess that’s the price you have to pay). As a full-time Unemployment Collector, braving the everyday New York prices are quite the struggle. Especially when it comes to grocery shopping. Especially when we are one of the few cities who don’t have Super Walmart (or any Walmart, for that matter).

Perhaps if I’ve never shopped outside of Manhattan, I wouldn’t know any better. But that is not the case. And if you think I’m going to spend $7.99 on a SMALL box of Frosted Flakes, you can kiss my starfish.

So naturally, I jumped for joy when I found a HUGE box of generic Shoprite Corn Flakes for $2.99 at my local Gristedes. Seriously, the box was bigger than my torso. Then I thought–perfect, my next tailgating meal! No, not a bowl of Corn Flakes, although that could work.

I then ventured into the meat aisle. $10.99 for chicken breasts covered in fat and veins, with an uncanny resemblance to Jocelyn Wildenstein’s skin? No, I refuse.

I actually broke down and checked out the Whole Foods in my area. I usually avoid places like this, because I’m a cheap bitch, but everything in Manhattan is so damn expensive anyway. Wow, compared to a shithole like Gristedes, this place was beautiful. Seriously, I almost made a mess in my pants in the produce aisle. That’s how much I loved this place. But let’s save that for another post…

Anyway, I found SEXY chicken breasts for $7.99. I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of this, because I’m sure you could give two shits. But my chicken strips came out sooo good, and I’m not sure if it was from my amazingness, or the sexiness of the Whole Foods chicken. I guess you can try the recipe for yourselves, and let me know.

Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-4 boneless & skinless chicken breasts, sliced into small strips
-2-3 cups white flour (or enough to fill a Ziplock bag)
-1-2 cups butter, melted
-3-4 cups Corn Flakes, crushed (Easy way to do this without scraping up your knuckles: Place inside a Ziplock bag, seal, and smash.)

Steps
-Preheat oven to 400° F. Pour melted butter into a small bowl, and place flour and crushed Corn Flakes into two separate Ziplock bags. You can also use those shallow, rectangular Chinese takeout containers, with the raised sides.

-Coat chicken strips with flour, butter, and crushed Corn Flakes, in that order. Arrange on a foil-lined baking sheet.

-Tent foil around the sides of the baking sheet so that it locks in juices, but does not cover the chicken completely. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through.

I think this ties in nicely to my “starfish” reference above, don’t you agree?

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Corn Flake Battered Chicken Strips" post.

Mac, Cheese, & Beer: A Harmonious Threesome

2010-01-11T06:45:00.000-08:00

New Year’s Resolution #1: Blog more.

Seriously, why have I been such a d-bag? Last post--December 10, 2009? W.T.F.

No excuses. I won’t even try. But here’s a little recap info, since you missed me so much. (Seriously, how did you even get through the holiday season without me? It must have been really lame. You are so STRONG! SO BRAVE!)

As you might have already read about 3 weeks ago in my Buffalo Sports Daily post, the Unemployed Chef had found yet another way to live off the system. Focus Groups. (For those of you who live outside a major city and never had the pleasure to attend a focus group/have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out. But, put simply, focus groups are when marketing companies pay you lots of money to rape you of your ideas for an hour.)

So now I’m taking advantage of marketing agencies, along with the government. Anyway, a few weeks back I was sitting in an hour-long focus group (for $125) in which the topic was Science, so I had been feeling a little experimental.

Case in point: I’ve made mac’n'cheese with wine before. I’d like to believe it adds a touch of class.

If I add this classy Coors Light to an otherwise ordinary batch of mac’n'cheese, what will I end up with?

The results of my scientific testing? An explosion in my mouth. (Ugh, too easy. You know what I want to say here, but I’m not worthy. Not yet. Need more blog posts).

Mac’n'Cheese’n'Beer

Fills a 9x12 baking dish...you figure out how many servings that is. For normal people.

Ingredients
-3 tbsp butter (about a half stick)
-3 tbsp white flour
-1 1/2 cups heavy cream
-1 1/2 cups beer (I used Coors Light.. obviously, the darker the beer, the more ‘beer-y’ your mac will be)
-2 cups cheddar cheese, shredded
-2 cups mozzerella cheese, shredded
-1 cup *other* (I used a mixture of parmigiano-reggiano, pecorino romano, and provolone. Use what you want, but you want at least one strong cheese in there. You know…feet-scented cheese.)

-1lb tube-shaped pasta, like Ziti (I prefer Ziti to Penne because it doesn’t have ridges. Perfect for baking.)

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), cook pasta according to package directions. Drain, return to pot, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, melt butter over medium-low heat. Add flour, stirring constantly, and cook for a minute or two. If the flour burns, start over–unless you don’t mind your mac’ tasting like burnt ass.
-Add heavy cream slowly, stirring constantly. Whisk away any lumps. Cook until mixture begins to *just* boil.
-Pour in beer, and cook until mixture boils. Cover pan and continue cooking for 10 minutes.

-Stir well, and turn heat down to low. Mix in cheese, and stir mixture until cheese is melted and heated through.

-Preheat the oven to 375°. Combine pasta with cheese mixture, and transfer to a greased baked dish.

Bake for 30-40 minutes. Let sit for at least 15 minutes–the beer will cook out and form a nice batter on top.

Note: Unlike regular mac'n'cheese, or baked ziti, this does NOT taste better the next day. The beer and cheese separates. If you decide to make this, come starving or don't come at all (what does that even mean?).

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Mac'n'Cheese'n'Beer" post.

Chicken Noodle Soup...with a, um, Hot Toddy on the Side

2009-12-10T06:52:00.000-08:00

They say that chicken soup is good for the soul. I’m sure that’s a load of crap, but as a Jets fan writing for the Buffalo Bills, my soul needed healing after we got our asses handed to us in Week 6. I guess my Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup really does work magic, since I guzzled it down last Thursday during the game (J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!).

If your soul doesn't need healing (or you just don't have a soul), think of my soup as your winter survival meal, with way less side effects than the H1N1 shot. I mean, I think it's finally winter (although yesterday's 55 degree afternoon kind of confused me...gotta love global warming). Either way, freezing your ‘nads off in front of a grill is unnecessary. I mean, the grill can only warm them up so much, right?

So this Sunday, I'm advising you all to down a ‘liquid’ dinner while watching the big game. Much to your disappointment, this liquid dinner is not pertaining to alcohol. That’s right. My Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup is that good. You’ll feel intoxicated by its deliciousness.

(I won't be downing a liquid dinner this Sunday, because I'll be in Tampa watching the Jets brutally murder the Buccs. And if Tampa Bay's second win is in fact against the Jets, I will dive into a pot of scalding chicken soup and burn my skin off. And bring Sanchez with me. So I guess if this is my last post, you'll know why.)

Who am I kidding? We all know I’m an alcoholic. And we all know what I mean when I refer to a ‘liquid’ meal. I’ll be including my own personal Hot Toddy recipe at the bottom of this post, which is also guaranteed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (because it’s loaded with rum). Drink up, bitches!

Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Makes 1 big-ass pot of soup

**I cooked my soup in a slow cooker for the entire day. If you don’t have one, just cook your soup in a large pot or DUTCH OVEN (haha) over low heat for about 3-4 hours.

Ingredients
-5 boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-5 stalks celery
-3 carrots
-1 garlic clove
-1 large yellow onion
-Garlic powder
-2 large chicken bouillion cubes (I used Knorr)
-Paprika
-Grated cheese, like Parmigiano-Reggiano (Optional)
-Salt & Pepper
-Egg noodles

Steps
-Peel and smash garlic clove. Rub the bottom and sides of your pot with the smashed clove (this will make your hands stink for about a week). You can either discard the clove or leave it in the bottom of the pot for added flavor. You know me, I don’t waste. I leave that bad boy in there for the whole 8 hours.
-Chop onions, celery stalks, and carrots, and place them in the bottom of your pot.

-Wash chicken thighs and cut off excess fat. (Judging from my photo, you can see I didn’t follow that rule very well. Gross, maybe. But fat tastes good. So whatever.) Place on top of vegetables.
-Cover everything with about 6 cups cold water. Add a dash or 2 of garlic powder, salt, and pepper, and a *heavy* dash of paprika. Paprika works magic in chicken soup, and gives it a nice color. Don’t worry about adjusting the seasonings right now–you can always do that at the end, when your chicken isn’t raw (nothing like a big ol’ spoonful of salmonella!). Drop in your bouillion cubes, cover your pan, and turn on your slow cooker (or, if using your stove top, turn the heat up to medium-low, and then down to a simmer once boiling).

-You’ll know your soup is ready when the chicken is not only cooked, but instantly shreds when barely touched with a fork. Break up the chicken and stir your soup, and adjust seasoning if necessary. I add a ton of paprika. Clear broth is ugly.
-Don’t worry if your broth looks “blotchy.” That’s the juices from the chicken combined with the all of the seasonings. Just stir it up before serving.
-Drop in egg noodles, or small pasta, such as Ditalini, and simmer in the soup until soft. Ladle into bowls, and top with grated cheese, if desired.

Hot Toddy

Makes 1 drink

Ingredients
-Apple cider
-2 Cinnamon sticks
-Ground cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Cloves (Optional)
-Dark spiced rum, like Captain Morgan (Sailor Jerry is the best rum ever)
As you already know, I hate measurements (especially for drinks…since I’m usually already drunk when I’m making them). So bear with me.

Steps
-Heat apple cider in a small pot over medium-low heat. I use a HUGE mug, so I heat a lot of apple cider. Fill up 3/4 of your mug with apple cider, and then pour into your pot.
-Drop a cinnamon stick into the pot, and add a dash of ground cinnamon, a pinch of nutmeg, and about 3 whole cloves. Stir and turn down to a simmer once the cider gets hot. Do not boil.
-Add *a lot* of rum. How much is a lot? As much as you can handle! YOU CAN DO IT!
-Simmer for about 2 minutes. Do NOT cook out the alcohol. That wastes alcohol, and that breaks my heart.
-Pour back into your mug, add a cinnamon stick, and FEEL THE BURN!

No picture…because I finished my drink before finishing this post. Jealous?

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Chicken Noodle Soup" post.

My Big Fat Italian Thanksgiving...

2009-11-29T14:05:00.000-08:00

Being a holiday week and all, I thought I'd switch things up a bit. As the official Tailgate Blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, I've been supplying you loyal readers tailgate recipes ever since the start of football season. However, any tailgating food I whip up this Sunday will most likely be some concoction of Thanksgiving leftovers and scraps. So it's only right to show you guys the origins of those leftovers and scraps, right?

Here's a little peek at Thanksgiving, done the fat I-talian way. To me, it's one of those days where I always make sure I have a festive pair of stretch pants on hand. Although this year, I'm not sure stretch pants did the trick. I needed a stretch stomach.

He knows what I'm talking about.

Now, some of these photos are just teases. I'm not writing out 20 recipes. One, I don't feel like it. And two...well, some of them I don't know offhand.

I'm lucky I got any photos at all...people kept reaching for food as I was trying to get my 'Photographer' on. Rude.

Because I'm exhausted (turkey hangover), I kept the recipes short and simple. I know they're usually a bit more detailed, but let's be honest--50% of those details are dirty jokes and sexual innuendos that have nothing to do with anything.

Before we down the traditional Thanksgiving spread, we pregame. With this:

Before dinner, I served up some Butternut Squash & Potato Soup. It was done in about 5 seconds. R. I. P., you sexy squash. I regret not being able to photograph you before your depletion.
But we can always relive your glory days via this post from 8/3/09:

http://theunemployedchef.blogspot.com/2009/08/butternut-squash-soup.html

Oh yea, the above link also contains the soup's recipe. Check it out.
(I used Baby Dutch Yellow Potatoes instead of the Baby Reds, and doubled the recipe.)

From left: Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms; Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts; Candied Yams with Marshmallows
I had to stick with the past 2 weeks' sausage-fest theme (If you're a new reader or have no idea what I'm referring to, click here and here.

Stuffing with Sausage, Bacon, and Mushrooms

-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil
-16-ounce Italian sausage, crumbled and browned in olive oil
-Bacon, fried and crumbled (as much as desired)
-1 box mushrooms, sliced and sautéed briefly

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

Believe it or not, there are actually people at our dinner table who don't eat red meat. I know, right?

Stuffing with Apple, Cranberry, and Walnuts

Use the same base recipe for the stuffing as above:
-16-ounce bag seasoned cornbread stuffing of your choice, moisted with chicken stock instead of water (To avoid overpowering the remaining ingredients, use less stuffing. 10-12 ounces should be enough.)
-Onions and celery, sautéed in butter and olive oil

New ingredients:
-2 Granny Smith apples, cut up
-Dried cranberries, soaked in chicken broth for about an hour
-Walnut halves
-sugar (as much as desired)
-cinnamon (as much as desired)
-Maple syrup (as much as desired)

-Combine all above ingredients, and place in a sprayed baking pan. Top with pats of butter.
-Loosely cover with tin foil, and bake in oven for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan for the last 5 minutes.

From left: Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad; Baked Artichoke Hearts with Breadcrumbs

Butternut Squash and Cranberry Salad

-Butternut squash, peeled and cut into cubes
-Maple syrup
-Dried cranberries
-1 cup apple cider
-2 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-2 tsp dijon mustard
-2 Shallots, diced
-Olive oil

-Combine butternut squash with olive oil and maple syrup, and toss to coat. Spread out on a baking pan, and bake at 450 degrees for 20-25 minutes.
-Add dried cranberries to the cubed squash, and bake for another 5-10 minutes, or until squash is tender and cranberries plump up.
-In a saucepan, combine apple cider, apple cider vinegar, and mustard. Cook until mixture reduces, add shallots and cook until heated through (not browned). Add 1/2 cup olive oil.
-Pour saucepan mixture over squash and cranberries. Toss to coat, and serve.

Baked Artichokes with Breadcrumbs

-3 cans artichoke hearts, cut into quarters (no marinade)
-Seasoned breadcrumbs
-3 8-ounce boxes fresh mushrooms, sliced
-6 cloves garlic, chopped
-1 cup grated Parmesian cheese
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

-Combine all ingredients in a large bowl, with enough olive oil to coat mixture (you want everything to be moist, but not mushy)
-Transfer to a greased baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, or until crispy.

Cranberry-Apricot Sauce

-2 bags fresh cranberries (12-ounce)
-2/3 cup orange juice (I used Orange-Peach-Mango juice)
-3 cups dried apricot halves, cut into thin strips
-1/2 cup white sugar
-1/2 cup brown sugar
-Orange zest
-Dash of salt

-Combine all of the above ingredients in a saucepan. Cook over medium high heat, stirring constantly. Keep cooking until the cranberries burst and thicken into a jellied consistancy. Cool before serving.

Oh, and of course, dessert.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Re: Putting sausage inside your taco

2009-11-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

I still have a slight turkey hangover from Thanksgiving. I'll be adding a post on that shortly, but just keep that in mind while you read through this half-assed post.

My plans for this beautiful Sunday? Watching the Jets take on the Panthers (which, unlike last week's game, shouldn't be a complete embarassment), drinking (obviously), and putting up my ridiculously ghetto Christmas tree (while drinking, obviously). Also, I'll be listening to this on repeat.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m sure wherever you’re watching the game is a total sausage-fest. To acknowledge that, this will be my second week in a row of a sausage post. I guess you can say the Unemployed Chef eats a lot of sausage. That’s what she said. Or I said.

We can say this is a much belated Oktoberfest tribute, except this recipe is supposed to be Mexican. But it’s not German sausage. Or even Mexican. So I don’t know what it is. But it tastes good, and it’s easy (just like your mom).

Sausage Tacos

Makes 4 tacos

Ingredients

-4 Taco Shells, or soft wraps (I used Old El Paso Stand ‘n Stuff), you know, the ones that are flat on the bottom. Because I wanted them to stand up. So I could take a lovely picture for you. Instead, when I opened the box, 8 out of the 10 shells were broken, and my taco fell apart immediately after its assembly. I’m not sure if they were stale, or if Old El Paso just all-around SUCKS. But be forewarned.)
-Shredded cheese (I used a mix of Cheddar, Monterey Jack, Asadero, and Queso Blanco)
-Shredded romaine or iceberg lettuce
-4 hot sausage links (I used Al Fresco Spicy Jalapeño Chicken Sausage…So good!)
-1 15.5 oz can black beans
-1 small yellow onion, diced
-3 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper
-White rice
-Taco sauce, such as Ortega Thick & Smooth Taco Sauce. Or, instead of being a lazy bitch, you could make your own (See recipe below).
-Sour cream (Optional)
-Guacamole (Optional)

These are base ingredients. Use what you want. Prefer shredded chicken or ground beef over sausage? Go right ahead. Hate shredded lettuce? Leave it off, or add another green, like sauteed spinach. Like tomatoes or red peppers? Go for it. Sick of me asking/answering my own questions?

Yes, yes you are.

You can prepare the beans beforehand, and use any leftovers as a side dish with the rice.

This is apparently Taco Bell’s taco sauce recipe, or a clone of it. You know, because nothing screams “authentic Mexican” like Taco Bell.

Steps

-Rinse and drain beans. In a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan) over medium-high heat. Add onions to pan, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic to pan with onions, stirring until garlic is just starting to brown and your onions are starting to caramelize.

-Add beans to your onion and garlic mixture, and cook until beans are heated through and tender. Remove from heat and set aside.
-Prepare rice according to package instructions. (I mean, really, you need my assistance to cook rice?). Cover and set aside.
-Add a drop or 2 (about a tbsp, for you measurement freaks) of oil to a frying pan or skillet, and set to medium-high heat. Better yet, remove the beans/onion/garlic mixture from your pan, and use your already-deliciously-seasoned grease.
-Add sausage links, and cook for about 10-15 minutes, or until casing is browned on all sides.

-Remove sausage from pan, and cut into small dice.

Just a few of the toppings

-Assemble your taco as follows: Shell, rice, beans, sausage, lettuce, cheese, taco sauce, additional toppings. Or do whatever the hell you want. It’s a taco, not rocket science.

The bean-spillage was intentional. I think it gives the plate an artistic flair.

Like I said above, the taco didn’t hold up so well. That’s when I resorted to making a taco salad by breaking up the (already broken) shell. Ta-da!

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read the original "Sausage Tacos" post.

A final farewell to Staten Island...

2009-11-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

So as you may recall from my last post, I lost the house I was supposed to be moving into, and then I lost my apartment. Lately, I've seen the back of more Uhaul trucks than...a truck-stop hooker who specializes in Uhaul trucks? Apparantly, I've lost even my knack for putting together a decent simile.

Anyway, The Homeless Chef has been without her computer for quite awhile. I'm back in Manhattan (for now), with an even smaller kitchen than I had before. Not even kidding. The refrigerator is in the living room.

It's only right that this post be written in memorium of my past year-and-a-half in Staten Island. Ah, Staten Island. What can I say? You've given me so many great memories. Being the vast Guido-haven that you are, I guess I was destined to live on you at some point in my life.

I spent my first unemployed days in this beautiful garbage-dump of a borough, with plenty of idle hours (since none of you assholes ever visited me) to wander around glamorous supermarkets, such as Key Foods. It was my privilege to pay top-dollar for shitty food (at least until I discovered that I could buy Mexican brands for half the price), and wait for hours in line while people attempted to pay with their food stamps and welfare checks.

And I learned to cook.

I mean, I've always cooked. But who has time (or energy) to prepare an extravagant, 3-course-meal after working allllll day? My unemployed days in Staten Island granted me endless hours to experiment with new foods, new recipes, and a new type of food blog. And the best part? I've received Unemployment through it all...and the same salary that I was making at my old job. Tough life.

Although I lived on the north shore of Staten Island (slightly different demographic), I wanted to honor the rest of "Staten Italy" with the ultimate Italian tailgating meal--Sausage & Peppers. It doesn't get more Eye-talian (or easy) than Sausage & Peppers. I think my mom made it for every "Culture Day" that I had in school. In order to transform this Italian staple into a "grillable, easy-to-eat-in-the-parking-lot-or-during-the-game" snack, I prepared this week's Sausage & Peppers "tailgate-style." That is, in a hot dog bun. Really, this shouldn't even qualify as a recipe. It's painful to even write out steps for this. This doesn't count as cooking. This is lame.

I just really wanted a reason to post this sweet Family Guy clip. Yes, another Family Guy clip. I think I can find a Family Guy clip that fits every one of my posts. I won't, because you'll grow tired of them, but for now...deal with it.

P.S.

I just joined Twitter. I'm not really sure how it works yet, but I discovered a few random followers of my blog were "tweeting" my posts (thanks, by the way!). So here I am.

If you read this, follow me here @Tess_T_Tweets

But don't actually follow me. I punch balls.

P.S.S.

As you might recognize, these pictures were taken in my old kitchen. AND I'm keeping my ugly green placemats just to piss off all the people who talked shit about them on Facebook! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

P.S.S.S.

I found your mom's favorite beverage:

Italian Sausage & Peppers, Tailgate-Style

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 large yellow onion, chopped into 1-inch chunks
-2 peppers, chopped into 1-inch chunks (I used red and green. Guess I was feeling Christmas-y. I like using 2 different colors, but honestly, I just buy what's cheapest. And really, yellow peppers--I could care less if you're imported from Venezuela. You are not worth $3.99 a lb. Get over yourselves.)
-4 spicy Italian sausage links (You want them to be short and fat, not long and skinny. Like a choad.)
-4 hotdog rolls
-Olive oil

Steps
-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), bring water to a boil. Once boiling, drop your sausages into the water, and boil for about 10 minutes. Remove from water, and set aside.
-Meanwhile, heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet. Add onions, and cook for about 5 minutes, or until they are slightly softened.
-Throw peppers into the hot oil with the onions. Cook until the onions are translucent and caramelized, and the peppers are soft.

-With a slotted spoon, remove the onions and peppers from pan, and set aside.
-Keeping the burner on, add the reserved sausages to the hot oil. Fry on both sides until brown and crispy.

-Return onions and peppers to pan with sausages, cook for 1 minute.
-Place each sausage on a hotdog roll, cover with peppers and onions, and fuhgetaboutit (You know I had to at least once).

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

Click here to read my latest post.

Turkey Got Back

2009-10-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

I have so many excuses for delaying this blog post. Probably the biggest one is that I'm a lazy asshole. Because you don't want to hear them anyway, I'll list the rest of my excuses for you.

A squirrel or something ate my cable line, and I lost both my internet and cable service. I hope that squirrel at least wrote up a recipe for that shit. Electrical cords, with a side of acorns. Sounds delicious! Bastards.
It was, what, 70 degrees last week? In October? After 3 weeks of 40 degrees and rain? I could care less when my internet was repaired.
I was mad at the world for the past 2 weeks. Some of that is explained in the next 2 bullets.
As you might recall from this post (and my cute little rage-rant in this post), I was supposed to be moving. And getting a real kitchen. And a HOUSE. With actual living space. I could almost bear dealing with incompetant real estate agents and dickwad vendors (our mortgage guy was cool, so no insult for him) knowing that in the end, it would all be worth it. Except our sellers' agent dropped the ball completely (JEFF MARTIN BLOWS GOATS), and our appraiser (I'd shout out that bitch too if I knew his name) just straight up didn't do his job, so the sellers backed out. Which leads to my second bullet...
So we already paid for a lot of things we can't get back. And you know how cheap I am, so that frustrates me to no end. Oh, and since we told our landlord we'd be out of our apartment by October 16th, she got a new tenant. The Unemployed Chef suddenly became The Homeless Chef. I guess, on the bright side, it adds to my trashy edge even more. At least there's no more worries of me"selling-out."
For good measure, I'll also add that the Jets lost to the Bills last week. Really? As you may already know, I'm a tailgate blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, and I knew off the bat that last week's post would be a conflict of interest. But I didn't know I'd have to be the humble one. You can check out the post here.

For all of the reasons above, I feel like an ass. Which leads me to the following recipe... (Scroll down for ass references)

Yeah, burgers are perfect tailgate food. But you already know that. With all the Thanksgiving discounts and ads (it's not even November yet!), I started thinking...hmmm...Turkey Burger? But that makes me think of diets and "healthy" alternatives, and that makes me sad.

Well, if the Turkey Burger is huge, and covered in bacon, cheese, onions, and other masses of lard covered goodness....I guess that could be acceptable. And tailgate worthy.

That's where I came up with...

...the BIG-ASS Turkey Burger.

Don't worry. It's a lot of meat (or bird). And it really is a big-ass burger. But you'll be fine. I threw in lettuce and tomatoes, so that makes it a salad...right? That stops it from being a total heart attack....RIGHT?!

But really, don't worry. Or you'll sound like this.

Here's the best part--I don't even have a grill at the moment. How sad is that? So I thought I would be extra sophisticated and break out the George Foreman. We all know it's not a classy meal unless El Jorge is somehow involved.

Read on to see how you can bring a touch of class and elegance (and the best-tasting, least-healthy turkey burger you've ever tasted) to your homies before the game.

Big-Ass Turkey Burger

Makes 2 big-ass burgers
Ingredients
-1 lb ground turkey meat
-4 slices swiss cheese
-5 scallions, green parts only, finely chopped
-1 small yellow onion, cut into small strips
-4 slices bacon
-1 beefsteak tomato
-2 kaiser rolls
-Romaine lettuce leaves, torn
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fry bacon in a frying pan or skillet until crisp. Remove from pan, lying on paper towels, and set aside. Be sure to reserve bacon grease in pan.
-Add chopped onion to hot bacon grease, and fry until caramelized (translucent and browned on the edges). Remove from pan, and set aside.

-Meanwhile, add ground turkey to a mixing bowl, and separate with hands. Season with salt, pepper, and chopped scallions, and mix thoroughly. You know, get all up in that bitch. Massage your meat!
-Before forming your turkey burgers, roll your ground turkey into two balls, or ass cheeks, as demonstrated below. This will make the meat easier to smash down into even, circular patties. It also allows you to take fun pictures, such as this one, or perhaps one with a cucumber in the middle for good measure.

-Plug in your George Foreman, and let it heat up. I know the George Foreman comes with something to collect the grease, so it doesn't splatter all over your kitchen, but I couldn't find it. So I used the top of a Chinese-takeout container. Crafty?

-Form your burger (you can only do 1 at a time on the Foreman...sorry), place on your "grill," and close. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side, or until the burger is cooked through. Obviously, the thicker the burger, the longer it will take.

-Meanwhile, preheat your oven for 250°. Place your (split) Kaiser roll on a metal oven tray, and pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the roll is just toasted.
-Remove rolls from the oven, and top with burger, and 2 slices swiss cheese. Pop back into the oven for 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Top with lettuce and a thick slice of tomato.

-Finish the burger off with 2 slices of bacon, and a nice pile of caramelized onions. There goes any connotation that this may actually be a healthy burger.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

You can read me latest post (which contains both the recipe above and my utter embarassment of the Jets loss) here.

Heaven on Earth. Or, in this case, on Italian bread.

2009-10-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, my cousin Jude messaged me via Facebook chat to tell me about a "heavenly" meatball sub that he created. Listen, when you look this good in a skimpy little number like this, the secrets of your nourishment must be shared to the world.

But seriously, his creation really did sound pretty heavenly. With the addition of ricotta cheese, the meatball-parm sub magically morphs into baked ziti (minus the ziti, and plus meatballs and bread). And as an added bonus, it could be made from leftovers. Since I'm pretty much the laziest piece of crap ever (I'll be celebrating my 1-year Unemployment Anniversary in 2 weeks), I like leftovers.

Usually, when I make my weekly batch of sauce, I'll make some meatballs for the hell of it. Spaghetti and meatballs go together almost as harmoniously as the Unemployed Chef and government money. Plus they make the sauce taste delicious (meatballs, that is...not government money).

But do me a favor. Please, please don't use jar sauce. You will break my little Italian heart. It's easy to make your own sauce (even for a lazy bastard like me). And you can make a big ass batch in advance. You can find my recipe, along with a rage-filled anecdote detailing my hatred towards jar sauce, here.

Seriously, don't use jar sauce. The Unemployed Chef doesn't want to have to choke a bitch.

If you're gonna steal my sauce recipe, you might as well steal my meatball recipe.

Meatballs

Makes about 20 meatballs

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-4-5 slices Italian bread, dampened and broken up into small pieces (or 1 cup seasoned Italian breadcrumbs, such as 4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs)
-1 egg, beaten
-Oil, for frying (Canola oil is fine. I used olive oil, because that was what I had.)
-3/4-1 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano (or Peccorino Romano) cheese
-Dried parsley flakes
-Dried oregano
-Garlic powder
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Place ground beef in a large bowl, and break up with hands.

-Add bread or breadcrumbs, and mix until evenly distributed.
-Slowly add the beaten egg to the meat-and-bread mixture, mixing as you go along. You don't want to overdo it. No one likes soggy balls. Or dry balls for that matter. Once the meat feels "moist" enough to roll (and hold together), stop.
-Season your meat-bread-egg mixture "to taste." I put that in quotations, because, well...most of the Western world doesn't condone tasting raw ground beef. You'll live. Trust me. But if you're gonna be a bitch about it, throw in about a cup of cheese, a few dashes each of parsley flakes, garlic powder, salt and pepper, and a pinch of oregano. That should do the trick.

-Start rolling the seasoned meat-bread-egg mixture into meatballs. They should fit into the palm of your hand. Unless you have gigantic hands that warrant meatballs which resemble small globes. In that case, use someone else's hands as a measuring guide.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan, and then a little more) over medium heat. Once the oil is nice and hot, add meatballs to your pan (you will probably have to do these in 2 or 3 separate batches). You want the outside of your balls to be nice and crispy, but not burnt. I'd say, 5 minutes on the top and bottom (2-3 minutes on the sides) will do them good.

-After the meatballs are fried to perfection, remove them from the oil and rest them between two paper towels (to soak up excess oil and allowed them to solidify).

After these are done, heat up some sauce, drop in yo' balls, and you're good to go.

"Heavenly" Baked-Ziti-Style Meatball Subs

Makes 1 serving

Ingredients
-Half a loaf of Italian bread
-3 meatballs (see recipe above)
-1 cup marinara sauce (If your balls are already simmering in a pot of sauce, just scoop them out...no need to measure sauce)
-Mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced (about 2-3 slices)
-3 big spoonfuls of ricotta cheese
-Shredded cheese, such as Parmigiano Reggiano, Pecorino Romano, or Asiago

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350º F.
-Cut Italian bread down the center, lengthwise. Leave bread together on one side, to hold your sub together.
-Place mozzarella slices along your bread, and place open sub on a metal roasting pan. Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Place meatballs on top of the melted mozzarella.
-Layer ricotta cheese on top of your meatballs, spreading it out for even distribution. Sprinkle with shredded cheese.

-Close up your sub, push down, and you're done.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! (Which might be an issue when they play the Jets next Sunday)

The "Heavenly Meatball Sub" recipe above was originally featured here. Check it out.

Up your butt, Jobu.

2009-10-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned about a week ago, the Unemployed Chef is making major moves. Moves that may actually earn me a real kitchen. With counter space. With cupboards. Hey, you fantasize about threesomes; I fantasize about cutting boards and spice racks. I'm easy to excite, I guess.

Of course, nothing good comes easily. Consider this "big move" to be an upscale, overpriced meal (although this economy cuts a slight discount), served with a complimentary side of stress, annoyance, and the urge to go on a mass shooting spree. I have a very low tolerance for douchebags, paperwork, and incompetent people--and I'm up to my chin in all three at the moment. But I've mastered the perfect way to swim through this douchy trio. It's called "massive amounts of alcohol for breakfast."

For those who can't handle their liquor (pathetic), I've also perfected the art of using food as an explicit metaphor. Telling someone to "shove it up their ass" is weak. Physically shoving something up an anal cavity? Now that's making a statement.

I know this poor, helpless chicken isn't to blame, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Beer Butt Chicken

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 whole roasting chicken (I doubled up... so that would be... 2 roasting chickens? I was never good at math.)
-1 (12 ounce) can of beer (Any beer works... I used Budweiser)
-Poultry seasoning of your choice (I used Mrs. Dash Southwest Chipotle Seasoning Blend on one chicken, and Mrs. Dash Garlic & Herb Seasoning Blend on the other. The Southwest Chipotle kicks ass.) If you don't feel like buying poultry seasoning, you can make your own dry rub easily with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika.

Steps
-Wash chickens thoroughly and remove insides (gizzards, heart, liver...all that good stuff). I don't care what you do with them, but in this recipe, your chicken has no internal organs. Your chicken is an alcoholic. It's insides are beer.
-Cover chicken skins generously with poultry seasoning, rubbing the seasoning into its inside and all of its crevices (yeah baby).

-Preheat your grill to medium heat.
-Here's the fun part: Open your beer, and chug half of it. Be sure to have more beer on hand. Since you have no self control, you'll probably down the entire thing. In that case, open another can of beer, and chug half of it.
-Hold the half-empty (or is it half-full? No, half-empty--I'm pessimistic) beer can right-side-up, and hold the chicken's "opening" open. As you can see, you might need an extra hand or 2.
-I'm trying to find a tasteful way to write this next step, but I can't. Shove your beer can up the chicken's ass.

-Keeping the beer can (and the chicken) right side up, place your drunken slut of a chicken on the grill.

-Cook chicken for a good 3 hours. Remove beer can, and serve. The skin should be crispy, and the insides should be moist (I believe that warrants another "yeah baby") from all of the evaporated beer.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! The Beer Butt Chicken recipe above was originally featured here.

Victory is mine!

2009-10-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's important to always have a meal you can whip up in 10 minutes or less, just in case guests show up unexpectedly.

Lately, for me, that's been Mediterranean-Style Orzo. Also, I'm lying. I live in Staten Island. No one visits me.

A month ago, however, my boyfriend's little brother called and said he was driving up from Ocean City, Maryland, and would be over for dinner. I asked him what he would like, and he said, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." I specifically asked him if there are any foods he disliked and refused to eat, to which he repeated, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." Jackpot. I don't need to go shopping.

However, when our guest of "honor" arrived four hours late, he informed me that he "doesn't eat feta cheese or olives."

So I guess this is a horrible example of how Mediterranean-Style Orzo is an quick, easy meal befitting for all guests. Oh.

The real reason I wanted to share this story is because it gives me a chance for revenge. If you tell me you eat everything, and then inform me later you do not eat specific foods (which just so happen to be 2 major ingredients in my dinner), I will photoshop cutouts of your head on random bodies. And post them on my blog. And if (in my opinion) you have a resemblence to Michael Phelps (with a sweet Hitler mustache), those random bodies belong to Michael Phelps.
Go for the gold, baby!

This is probably unwarranted, because he ate 3 dishes anyway.

Mediterranean-Style Orzo

Makes 4-8 servings (depending on whether it's a side or a main dish...or if you're a pig)

Ingredients

-1 lb Orzo

-1 or 2 handfuls Calamata Olives, sliced in half lenthwise (This is a family recipe...we don't do measurements)
-3-4 handfuls baby spinach leaves

-Feta cheese, crumbled

-4 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil

-1 lemon

-Salt & pepper

Steps

-In a deep pasta pot, boil salted water for orzo, and cook until al dente. Meanwhile, lightly brown garlic in olive oil (enough to coat a frying pan or skillet) over low heat.

This cooks quickly, so have everything portioned, sliced, and ready to go. Mad props for using toaster as counter space.

-Drain orzo. Before adding orzo back to its pot, transfer browned garlic and oil from its pan to the bottom of the pot. Add spinach to the garlic and oil, and mix to coat.
-Pour hot orzo on top of spinach, garlic, and oil. Cover and let sit for 1 minute. The steam from the orzo will instantly cook the spinach.

-Stir orzo, spinach, garlic and oil until well blended. Add olives, a squeeze of lemon juice, and stir again. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Add feta cheese crumbles (however much you like), mix again, and serve.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Click here to see my latest tailgating recipe, along with pictures of me shoving a beer can up a chicken's ass.

Wait for it...

2009-09-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I told you to sit and wait for my chili recipe. And you might just have to keep sitting and waiting (I like to play hard to get), because the Unemployed Chef is making some major moves. Although I set up shop originally in my hellhole kitchen (in Staten Island, to add insult to injury), the Unemployed Chef will be relocating within the next few months.

I've come to grips with the fact that I might actually have a real kitchen. But my fear is that I'll lose some of my trashy, low-budget appeal. Half of my miserable, sarcastic ramblings stem from the frustration of cooking in a cramped, fugly kitchen with zero counter space (and using my radiator as a cutting board).

Question is, will the open-layout of a real kitchen change me?

Nah, I'm still a bitch, and I'll always be miserable. That's just in my genetic makeup. I promise I'll stay just as rude and sarcastic as I've always been, and I'll continue to pepper my meals with dirty jokes and sexual innuendos.

You know what, since the Jets are 3-0, I'm in a good mood. You can finally have that chili recipe. Plus I ate it on their first regular season game (they were at Houston, so chili was befitting, actually), and it apparently brought them some good luck. Also, I stole the recipe from Men's Health (mad THIEF status son!), so it's not like I'm giving away some great family secret or anything. Unless editor-in-cheif David Zinczenko is secretly my daddy. (Any confessions, Mom? Get Maury Povich on this shit, STAT!)

I have to leave out some of this recipe's "instructional" photos, for aesthetic reasons. I've come to the realization that chili looks remarkably like diarreah. But at least it doesn't look as gross as this:

LOOK. AT. THAT. It's a wet hemmoroid on a platter! Delicious!

Chili Con Carne

Makes about 8-10 servings, if you're serving over rice

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-2 medium yellow onions, diced
-4 cloves garlic, minced
-4 15-oz cans kidney beans (I usually use 2 dark red cans and 2 light red cans)
-3 cans fire-roasted diced tomatoes (I used Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes with Garlic)
- 2 1/2 cups chicken stock (If you're using canned broth, that's about 2 10.75 ounce cans)
-2 ounces dark chocolate (Yes, dark chocolate. Not a typo. Trust.)
-Chili powder
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Cinnamon
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat a skillet or frying pan over medium-high heat. Add ground beef to pan, breaking it up with a fork or spatula.
-Meanwhile, add kidney beans (rinsed and drained), diced tomatoes (plus juice), and chicken stock to a deep pot or dutch oven (ha). Slowly start to simmer the beans, tomatoes, and stock over low heat.

-Once the ground beef is browned, transfer it to the pot, reserving fat. Add onion to the reserved fat, and cook until soft and translucent. Add garlic, and cook everything together until the onions are just beginning to caramelize and the garlic is just beginning to brown. Transfer to the pot.
-Add spices and chocolate to the pot. I'm not listing measurements for the spices, because it's really all about personal preferences. Plus, if you're heavy handed with the seasonings (like me), you'll probably keep adding seasonings as you go along. I go heavy on the chili powder and cumin; easy on the cinnamon. The cayenne will determine the spiciness (or wimpiness) of your chili. Lower the pot's heat to a simmer, and cook for an hour or more. Once the chili heats up, the spices will intensify (and the chocolate will melt), so keep tasting and adjusting your seasoning accordingly. It shouldn't be an issue--you know you're a greedy bitch like me, who can't wait an hour for that shit to simmer.
-I think this chili tastes better the next day, but if you're so hungry that the video posted above actually stimulated your appetite, serve chili immediately over white rice, and garnish with cheddar cheese.

NOTE: Serve chili over rice with a SLOTTED SPOON. This chili is very soupy, and I know most recipes and restaurants create chili this way, but I DON'T. I do, however, cook it with lots of liquid, and store the leftovers with the liquid, so that the beef/beans don't get dried out when you reheat them.

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Check out my latest post, which was originally featured here.

Football season is finally here!

2009-09-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

Watching the Jets assassinate the Texans just feels sweeter over a giant bowl of chili and an ice cold beer...several ice cold beers.

Or maybe it's just an excuse to pig out on fried chicken, ribs, dips, and anything you can put on a grill.

But I'm sure you'll be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love tailgating foods. You'll have to stay tuned for my chili recipe (sit and wait BITCH!), but hopefully this will keep you salivating in the meantime:

Buffalo Hot Wings on the...Grill?

I know, I know—Buffalo Wings are meant for the deep fryer. So WTF is this grilled crap? Am I actually trying to make wings healthy? Sacrilege!

Truth be told, grilled wings are actually pretty freakin’ awesome. Yeah, they’re a little less fatty, but that’s why you wash them down with 5 gallons of beer. Health problem solved.

And for my male readers (I know a bunch of you closet kitchen-bitches read this!), grilling is the epitome of manliness.

Warning: These babies take about an hour to grill, and require a lot of attention. But I stood in front of the grill in 100+ degrees in the middle of the desert to make these. So SUCK IT UP.

Grilled Buffalo Hot Wings

Ingredients
-3 pounds chicken wings/drumsticks
-1 bottle (12 fluid ounce) hot sauce (I used Frank’s RedHot Buffalo Wings Sauce…mmm.)
-1 (12 fluid ounce) can or bottle Coca-Cola or Pepsi (or RC…you cheap bastard.)
-1 tbsp soy sauce
-Dash of cayenne pepper (The more you add, the hotter your wings will be… Don’t be a little bitch.)

Steps
-In a disposable pan (or a pan you don’t mind destroying on your grill), mix hot sauce, soda, soy sauce, and cayenne pepper. Add wings, and toss to coat.
-Preheat your grill to medium heat. Place your pan off to one side of the grill, and let your hot sauce/soda/soy/cayenne mixture come to a simmer. (Bubbles…look for bubbles.)

Oh, and I wasn't lying about grilling out in the desert.

-Once your pan mixture is poppin’ bub-a-lee (90's rap reference HOLLLLLA!), use your grill tongs to take the wings out of the sauce mixture and place them directly on the grill. If there’s not enough room, leave half of them in the pan. Grill for 5 minutes, flip over, and grill for another 5.

Half the wings go on the grill. 5 minutes, flip...
...and then another 5 minutes.
-Return grilled wings to pan, and simmer for another 10 minutes. If you still have half your wings in the pan, now’s the time to grill up those bad boys.

SWITCH!
-Repeat this tedious process for about an hour, or until the wings are done to your liking (I prefer crispy skin, with the chicken falling off the bone). It took me 6 processes, grilling half of the wings at a time. So, each half-batch of wings was grilled 3 times for 10 minutes, and simmered 3 times for 10 minutes. Are you completely confused yet?
-For superhot, it’s-gonna-burn-to-go-to-the-bathroom wings, dip finished wings back in your sauce mixture before serving. For medium-hot wings, serve them straight off the grill (pansy).

BONUS!

Be sure to check out the following website, which just went live this morning:

BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! You can check out my first post here.

Thanks for your support!

Merry Moroccan Christmas to all my Ho Ho HOEZ!

2009-09-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

Listen, I've been busy. Unemployment is a full-time job.

But I'm never too busy to throw a dope recipe your way.

The inspiration for this dish was Season 10, Episode 5 of The Office: "Moroccan Christmas." If you don't watch The Office, this will mean nothing to you (Then again, if you don't watch The Office, you mean nothing to me--who doesn't watch The Office?).
To quote Phyllis (and who wouldn't want to quote her--look how sexy she is):

"This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as part of the party planning committee. The theme is "night in Morocco." This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party. Unless of course she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate."

Lucious Phyllis. Knit away, boo.

I believe this somehow ties into my chicken dish.

Actually, this holds no relevence at all, because I didn't invent this dish and it's most likely not even Moroccan.

I'm embarassed to admit this to you, readers, but this is actually a 'modified' Rachael Ray recipe. Blasphemy! I know, I know. I'm sorry. But at least it gives me an excuse to post this:

6 minutes and 45 seconds of Rachael Ray farting--ENJOY!

Moraccan Chicken Thighs and Couscous

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-About 5 or 6 pieces boneless, skinless chicken thighs
-1 box couscous (I used Near East's Toasted Pine Nut)
-2 medium yellow onions
-4 cloves garlic
-2 lemons
-2 1/2 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods, of course)
-2 tbsp paprika
-2 tsp turmeric powder
-2 tsp cumin
-Dash of cinnamon
-1 cup green olives, pitted or with pimentos
-Olive oil
-Salt and pepper

Steps
-Dice onions, finely chop garlic cloves, and thinly slice 1 lemon. Set aside.
-Wash and cut chicken thighs into smaller pieces (you should be halving the thighs, or cutting each into thirds).
-Heat olive oil (enough to coat the pan) in a frying pan or skillet over medium high heat. In a small bowl, mix paprika, turmeric powder, cumin, and cinnamon.
-Drop chicken pieces into the spice mixture, and add to the hot oil. Fry chicken for about 2-3 minutes per side. Remove chicken from pan, cover, and set aside.

-Keeping your flame on medium high, add the onions, garlic, and lemon slices to the heated oil. Some of the spices should have soaked into the oil, giving everything a sexy yellow color. Usually when I'm cooking, my boyfriend will walk in and say something along the lines of, "Mmmmmm smells good." This meal envoked this: "The house reeks of B.O." Don't worry--that just means you're on the right track.

-Cook your onions, garlic, and lemons for about 10 minutes, until the onions are soft and translucent. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, to taste.
-At this point, you can start preparing your couscous as according to their packaging's directions.
-Add your reserved chicken back to your pan, with the onions, garlic, and lemon. Add chicken stock and juice of 1 lemon, and cover. Simmer over low heat for 10-15 minutes, or until chicken pieces are cooked through.

Yeah, this looks like crap, but so does chili. And you like chili, right?

-Remove pan from heat, and stir in your olives. Your couscous should be ready at the same time (Aren't you glad I told you to start preparing that shit? Now nothing has to sit and get cold. You're welcome.)
-Pour broth over chicken and couscous, and serve.

Mmmmmm. Or as Rachael Ray would say, "Vrrrrrrrrrt!"

Another meaningless post of my sarcastic & bitchy ramblings...with a few recipes thrown in

2009-08-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

I believe two posts ago I told you "I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes." And then I gave you, what, one recipe? 8 days ago? COLD.

I feel like lying on the couch (pantless, of course) and watching Top Chef Masters' repeats right now, but I feel guilted into leaving you at least *one* recipe before I go away AGAIN for the weekend. Precious? You know the Unemployed Chef got mad love for ya.

To be honest, I really did plan on gracing you bitches with a bunch of recipes, but I made a lot of repeated dishes. Or dishes so simple, I didn't think they required a recipe. (Or maybe they do... Because if you're trusting me with your dinner plans, you probably can't cook for shit.) I basically used everything I had in my house, mixed with pasta or rice. You know, gotta avoid Pathmark at all costs. Unemployed Chef = broke.

Here's what went directly to my thighs this week. I'm too lazy to list the recipes, but I'll tell you the ingredients and assume you can figure it out for yourself. Please don't prove me wrong with your high levels of stupidity. Work with me here.

PS: I also made a giant batch of Pasta Fagioli (Pasta Fa-zool!) for the BF, but you aren't worthy of witnessing it's sexiness. Not yet, at least. These things take time. I guess you'll just have to keep following my blog...

Penne Aglio e Olio (Garlic, oil, & red pepper flakes) + tomatoes + mushrooms

Coconut-Curry Battered Chicken over Rice
(I wasn't crazy about this, so I won't elaborate. It wasn't bad, it was just.... I guess I'm tired of chicken. OK, I'll keep it real... It sucked.)

Sautéed Flounder + Tomatoes + Mushrooms with Toasted Pinenut Couscous

Farfalle Pasta simmered in Chicken Stock + Garlic + Red Pepper Flakes + Cannellini Beans + Onions + Shredded Asiago Cheese

Spinach Salad + Strawberries + Battered Baked Chicken + Hard Boiled Egg Whites + Gorgonzola Cheese + Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette

Awww, fine, keep whining. Now I feel guilty. And I'm no stranger to classic Italian/Catholic guilt. I'll give you one actual recipe before I leave.

Chili-rubbed Cod with Seasoned Acini di Pepe

Makes 2 servings... with lots of Acini di Pepe leftover

Ingredients

Chili-rubbed Cod:

-2 Cod filets

-Chili powder, to taste

-A dash of paprika

-Olive oil

Seasoned Acini de Pepe:

-1 lb acini de pepe pasta (the original recipe called for Israeli Couscous... but I can't find them anywhere. Same shit. I also made this with orzo and it kicked ass.)

-Olive oil (2-3 tbsp)

-A *big squeeze* of lemon juice (3-4 tbsp)

-1 tsp sugar

-1 tsp soy sauce

-1/2 cup chopped scallions

-A *sprinkle* of chopped parsley (1 tbsp)

-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over high heat. (A grill would be even better. Unfortunately, our BBQ got disgusting after being left out in the yard during the winter. Would you like some grilled rust perhaps?)

-Season cod filets with a generous rub of chili powder. Sprinkle on some paprika for color, and rub into the filets.

-Add the filets to the searing oil, and step back (unless you enjoy being scalded by flying hot oil...kinky). Fry for 2 minutes per side, to make a nice crust. Lower the heat to medium, and continue cooking the filets for about 5 minutes per side, or until they're cooked through.

-Meanwhile, prepare acini de pepe as described on box. Drain, and transfer to a large bowl. In a smaller bowl, combine olive oil, soy sauce, sugar, and lemon juice. Slowly pour into the acini de pepe, mixing and checking for taste. Adjust seasonings if necessary. Add scallions and parsley into the acini de pepe, and mix. Season with salt and pepper. Almost too easy.

Word.

WTF is swai?

2009-08-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Answer: An excuse to sound fancy.

Went to Pathmark only to find out the newest shipments haven't come in yet. So basically, I was forced to choose from a selection of last week's half-rotting crap. Or the mass of swai filets that were on sale.

Swai. Sounds exotic, no? I have exotic-sounding meals; therefore, I am a real chef. Actually, the swai filets were the cheapest fish at the seafood counter. Even cheaper than flounder. Madness.

Add that to one of my go-to recipes (a much modified recipe stolen from Women's Health), and you've got yourself one f'ing exotic-sounding meal.

Panfried Swai Filets over Boy Choy & Mushrooms, with Coconut Curry Sauce

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients

Coconut Curry Sauce:
-1 cup coconut milk
-1 tbsp brown sugar
-Dash of cayenne pepper
-Curry powder, to taste (I use A LOT...some might prefer a dash. Even though that's boring.)
-Juice of half a lime

Swai Filets:
-2 swai filets (Or bassa. Or tilapia. Or flouder. Or whatever cheap white fish you have. I've also made this with salmon and it was AMAZING.)
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Bok Choy & Mushrooms:
-1 medium bunch of bok choy, leaves and stems separated
-About 5 or 6 baby bello mushrooms, sliced (I prefer shiitake mushrooms for this, but couldn't find them. Pathmark blows.)

-Juice of half a lime
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fill a large pot or dutch oven (ha) with water, and bring to a boil. Separate the boy choy's leaves and stems. Cut the tough ends off the stems, and chop the rest into bite-size pieces. Once the water starts boiling, throw in the chopped stems, and boil for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, add in the leaves, and boil for another 5 minutes. Drain, transfer back into the pot, and cover.
-Meanwhile, mix coconut milk, brown sugar, cayenne pepper, and curry powder in a bowl. Add to a small saucepan, and cook over low heat for 10 minutes, stirring constantly. The mixture will thicken into a sauce over time. Taste the mixture as it cooks, and season to taste. I always OD on the curry at this point. I gotz FLAVA.
-After 10 minutes, remove saucepan from heat. Add juice of half a lime, stir. Cover.
-Season swai filets generously with salt and pepper. In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil over medium heat, and add swai filets. Cook for about 2-3 minutes per side, depending on thickness. Remove from pan and cover to keep warm.

Filets, sauce, and boychoy. A bitch can MULTITASK.

-With the heat still going, add your sliced mushrooms to the pan's remaining oil, and toss to coat. Add the reserved bok choy, juice of half a lime, and salt and pepper. Stir constantly for about 3-5 minutes, or until mushrooms are tender.

-Transfer a scoop of boy choy and mushrooms to a plate, and place a swai filet on top of the vegetables. Drizzle with coconut curry sauce. Done.

How fancy. Everyone deserves a gourmet meal while watching Seinfeld reruns.

The Unemployed Chef returns!

2009-08-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated this in awhile. Just came back from Seaside, NJ--From one guidoland to another, huh? I'm going to be away for the next few weekends (Pittsburgh, Arizona, Sharon, etc.), so sit tight and try not to get your chonies in a bunch. I'll be back. Try not to miss me *too* much.

Because I'm such a sweet piece of ass, I'll be gracing you this week with a bunch of recipes. You're welcome.

Spending time with the family this weekend, I was finally clued in on a secret ingredient of my grandmother's famous Pasta Fagioli (what us Americanized Italians bastardized as "Pasta Fa-zool"). Pasta & beans, if you really didn't know that (kill yourself). If this doesn't seem that exciting to you, that's because you never tasted my grandmother's pasta fagioli. Each bite tastes like a choir of angels descended onto your tongue to serenade your tastebuds. Heavenly.

So here goes...

Nanny's Famous Pasta Fagioli

......

PSYCHE!

Seriously, do you want my grandmother to haunt you? Why the hell would I give you that recipe?

To increase the disappointment factor, I'm going to give you another SQUASH recipe! Oh when it rains, it pours! Actually, I'm not trying to be a bitch--this squash recipe was pretty dope. If you might remember from my previous squash anecdote, the BF throws a hissy fit every time I make squash...and then begrudgingly admits that he loved the meal. REAL MEN EAT SQUASH. This was supposed to be a hearty meal before his basketball tournament...and instead, he got a fancy-schmancy soup inside a martini cup. Am I a horrible girlfriend? No, he asked if I could make this as an appetizer for company. So, stop frontin'. You know the Unemployed Chef does not disappoint.

Butternut Squash & Red Potato Soup

Makes...um...a lot of servings. Didn't really count, but we each had about 4 glasses each, with leftovers. 10?

Ingredients

-2 pounds butternut squash, mashed (I used frozen mashed winter squash. If you're using the real shit, check out my Butternut Squash Risotto post for an explanation of how to prepare your mash. I'm always an advocate for using the good stuff, but in this recipe, it really doesn't affect the taste at all. Trust.)
-2 tbsp butter
-1 medium white onion, sliced
-2 dashes garlic powder
-4 cups chicken stock (gotta rep' the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods)
-3-4 baby red potatoes, peeled & halved
-A *pinch* of cayenne pepper
-A *pinch* of ground nutmeg
-A *pinch* of ground ginger
-Salt & Pepper, to taste
-1 cup heavy cream

Steps

-In a large pot or dutch oven (ha), melt butter over medium-high heat. Add sliced onion to heated butter for about 4-5 minutes, stirring to prevent burning (you don't want these to caramelize). Add garlic powder during the last minute.

-Add potatoes to the butter and onion mixture, and toss to coat. Cover the potatoes with the chicken stock, and bring to a boil. They should be soft enough to mash after 10-15 minutes of boiling. Or you could just check with a fork.

-Add the mashed squash to your pot, and begin mashing your potatoes into the squash. They don't need to be perfectly smooth, unless you really want to work that arm (diesel status).

-If you have a hand blender, good for you. I'm old school and had to transfer my soup to a blender. I was actually able to purée my entire soup in one batch, because I'm awesome. Anyway, I guess the point of this step is basically to purée your soup until smooth. Yeah. And then transfer back to your pot. Simmer over medium-low heat.

-Pinch away. Sprinkle in your "pinches" of cayenne, nutmeg, and ginger. Don't over-do it on the nutmeg. It's STRONG. Add salt and pepper, and taste. I cannot stress this enough. Soup, sauce, whatever. TASTE YOUR FOOD AS YOU COOK IT, DAMMIT. It's a lot better to know your food sucks, and attempt to fix it, before it's out on the serving table. Or you can risk serving a bowl full of ass to your guests. Some people like surprises. Your choice.

-Stir in the heavy cream, and simmer until mixed through (don't boil).

Sip up bitch!
Unfortunately, there's no alcohol in this soup, but I'm sure you could always provide a vodka chaser.

DEATH to RAGU & PREGO!

2009-07-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure I should be blogging about this, because it's such a PASSIONATE and HEATED topic for me. Italian's are hot tempered as it is, but we boil over the topic of food. While I live in Staten Island now (properly dubbed as "Staten Italy"), I didn't grow up with many other Italians, and I am the furthest thing from a "guidette." But if I hear one more person exclaim, "I made spaghetti and meatballs last night!", and then make a reference to some middle-American, disgusting jar sauce, I might cry. Like seriously, tears. It breaks my heart.

I want to reply, "You made NOTHING! You boiled water for spaghetti, and poured store-bought garbage on top of it! SHAME!" I actually get flashblacks of watching Sandra Lee "make" her Kwanzaa Cake (please check out the video to get a sense of my heartbreak).

I think the height of my rage was at my former job. A fellow coworker, let's call him D (actually, that's what we all called him), would come in for lunch with dinner leftovers. One day, he was eating leftover spaghetti, and I overheard (my cubicle was located close to the cafeteria) him rave about the Ragu 'sauce' covering the poor, forsaken pasta. I immediately dashed over to the cafeteria (it was literally a foot away), and scolded him. He gave me a simple explanation. "I'm not Italian. I don't know the difference. Tastes good to me." Suddenly, it all made sense.

I immediately went home that night and whipped up 2 containers of sauce for him, and told him to "see if he tastes a difference." Actually, I think he purposely infuriated me to get free cooking. And it totally worked. Dammit.

Maybe if people realized how easy real, authentic Italian marinara sauce is to make, they would cut the shameful jar brands out of their lives for good. Maybe if they realized you can make a week's worth at a time, they would stop ripping my heart out and stomping on it.

Here is my recipe. I honestly don't think it should even count as a recipe, because growing up in my house, it's simply common sense. But here goes...

Traditional Marinara Sauce

Makes 2 medium containers

Ingredients
16-oz tomato sauce (I used 2 8-oz cans)
28-oz crushed tomatoes (I used 1 large can)
16-oz diced tomatoes (Optional...depends if you like big tomato pieces in your sauce. If not, skip it)
Note: I used 1 medium can of Hunt's Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes. This is my favorite brand. I've tried the Del Monte diced tomatoes (big up to Costco!) and they sucked major ass. You can actually make your own fire-roasted tomatoes by brushing small (grape, cherry, or plum) tomatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic powder, and roasting them in the oven until they explode (yea baby). I was lazy. I went with the can.
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 medium white onions, diced
Sugar, to taste
Red pepper flakes (optional)
Olive oil
Salt & pepper
Fresh basil (optional)
Note: For a meatsauce, simmer sauce with meatballs, panchetta, Italian sausage, etc. You can also create a fish sauce, simmering the sauce with shrimp, lobster tails, crab claws, etc. This is a base recipe, and very versatile. I used turkey meatballs in my most recent batch.

My arsenal

Steps
-Fill a deep pot or dutch oven (ha) with cans of tomato sauce, crushed tomatoes, and diced tomatoes. Simmer on low heat.
-In a frying pan or skillet, heat olive oil, and begin frying diced onions over medium high heat, stirring occasionally. (You might have to fry the onions in 2 separate batches. I did.) Season with salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes, if desired.

-When the onions are almost caramelized, add the minced garlic to your pan, and cook for about 3 minutes. The garlic will cook much quicker than the onions.
-Transfer onions and garlic to the sauce pot and continue to simmer for at least an hour.
-Taste your sauce constantly! This is the most important step in making an authentic marinara sauce. If the sauce tastes too acidic, add sugar. This counterbalances the tomatoes. Too bland? Add salt & pepper. Too mild? Add more red pepper flakes.
-At this point, if you are adding any meat, fish, vegetables, or herbs (such as fresh basil or parsley), do so now. Continue simmering until the meat/fish/veggies are cooked through, and until your sauce tastes delicious.
Note: I prefer making sauce the day before, because it always tastes better after all the flavors have time to meld together in the fridge.

You'll thank me later.

The best part is, you can do so much with your leftovers. Baked ziti, chicken parm, polenta...the possibilities are endless. When I make marinara, I left to reserve a little extra to make Vodka Sauce. Penne alla Vodka is one of my favorite meals to order out, so it only makes sense to recreate it at home as often as possible.

Vodka Sauce

Makes 1 container

Ingredients
-1 container Marinara Sauce
-1/2 cup vodka

-1/2-1 cup heavy cream

-Grated cheese (Asiago, Parmigiano-Reggiano, and Pecorino Romano all work well)

Steps

-Pour sauce into a blender, and "purée" until smooth.

-Pour puréed sauce into a frying pan or skillet. Simmer on low heat (it will start bubbling and splattering almost immediately).
-Add 1/2 cup vodka to your sauce, and simmer for approximately 20 minutes. Taste your sauce. If it tastes too vodka-y, it probably needs to simmer even more. You want both your sauce and your vodka to reduce in your pan.

-Before serving, began pouring in your heavy cream, and simmer until heated through. The more heavy cream you add, the lighter and creamier your sauce will be. I added about 3/4 of a cup.

-Add a handful or 2 of grated cheese, and stir until melted. Take sauce off of heat.

Can I get an "Amen?"

Would you like some dinner to go with that fat?

2009-07-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

After several days of (healthy) fish and chicken, I was craving something fatty and fried. There's just nothing more pleasurable than eating a greasy, heavy meal, and passing out shortly after. Or sweating profusely as your body tries to burn off all the fat (I believe these are called "Meat Sweats"). I mean, really, being a size 5 is overrated. The way the weather has been going, it's not like I'll be in a bikini anytime soon. Or at least that's my justification.

So I went for the classic "meat 'n' potatoes" meal. OK, so I still had my jumbo bag of Costco red potatoes from this recipe, and I didn't want them to go bad. That would be a waste of food, and my food motto is the same as my alcohol motto--YOU DON'T WASTE! There are starving children in the world that would kill for that last bite of mac'n'cheese...and that shot of Patron. (By the way, have you ever realized how little sense that makes? If I finish my meal, is that going to satiate a starving child's hunger? 'Look at me, I'm eating and I'm not even hungry! The world's starvation problem is SOLVED!') Yeah, I go off on tangents. Gotta problem?

Anyway, back to using my jumbo bag of Costco red potatoes. In essense, it means one less thing to buy (and you know I'm one cheap bitch). This ultimately backfired when I realized I didn't have a potato masher (worst chef EVER!) and had to spring $6.99 for a plastic piece of crap. OUTRAGE.

In all good conscience, I can't take full credit for this one. Because the BF actually made (and suggested) the porkchops (Kitchen Bitch). I guess he'll do anything to avoid another squash night.

Breaded Porkchops & Red Potato Mash

Ingredients
Red Potato Mash:
-Red potatoes (about 24...this will make a LOT of leftovers...seriously. We had 3 nights dinner, and then brought the rest over to a BBQ. And they had leftovers.)
-Butter, about half a stick
-Chives (Fresh is always better, but I used dried because I had them on hand)
-Heavy cream (approx. 1 cup)
-Sour cream (approx. 1 cup)
-Garlic powder
-Salt & Pepper

Breaded Porkchops:
-2 large porkchops (I used center-cut chops)
-Flour
-Paprika
-1 egg
-Worcestershire sauce
-Italian-style breadcrumbs (4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs are my standby fave)
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano, Pecorino Romano, and Asiago all work well here)
-Olive oil
-Salt & Pepper

Steps
-The potatoes will take longer than the porkchops, so I always start with them first. Wash and half (or quarter, depending on size) your potatoes. You can peel them if you want, but it's extra work and I actually prefer skins in my mash.
-Place potatoes in a large pot or dutch oven (ha), and cover with water.

-Bring to a boil. These are small potatoes, so they should be ready to mash after about 10 minutes of boiling. If your fork can easily pierce through the potato, they're done.
-While your potatoes are boiling, you can start preparing your porkchops to save time (get yo' multitaskin' on). In a frying pan or skillet, begin heating olive oil over high heat.
-Set up your dipping stations (see previous post) by setting up 3 bowls, as follows:

Flour, seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika.

1 egg, beaten, with a few drops of worcestershire sauce (sounds random, I know).

Breadcrumbs, seasoned with grated or shredded cheese.

-Dip the chops into the flour, egg, and breadcrumbs, in that order. Place into the heated oil, frying each chop for about a minute per side. Turn the heat down to medium high, and continue cooking the chops about 5-7 minutes per side, or until they are no longer pink in the center.
-Back to the potatoes. They should be done boiling, so drain them and place them back in the pot.
-While your chops fry, begin to mash the potatoes inside the pot. Gradually start adding your butter (1 tbsp at a time), heavy cream (1 splash at a time), and sour cream (1, um, dollup at a time). I cannot stress the word "gradually" enough. Too much too soon = gross mushy crap.
-Season generously with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Sprinkle in chives.
-Mash and mix the potatoes until they are the way you like them. For instance, I like lumps, some people hate them. To each his own (except my way is better).

The chops should be done right around the time you finish mashing your potatoes to death. As a result, they're both hot and ready to serve at the same time (sounds dirty).

Damn son.

DEEEEZ NUTS.

2009-07-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

If this title doesn't draw you in, I don't know what will.

But seriously, I like using nuts in my dinners. (Ha.) Almonds and walnuts are my favorites, because they seem to last forever. I love pine nuts, but they are expensive and get rancid after a week. I even substitute almonds for pine nuts in my pesto, but that's a whole other story and blog post.

I had some leftover almonds, and some leftover tilapia (see previous post), and a bunch of other random crap. Somehow, I got this recipe below, and it received such high praise (from the BF and...uh...me) that I'd make out with myself if I could. I'm that good.

Almond-Crusted Tilapia

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 tilapia filets
-1 cup almonds
-Asiago cheese
-Flour
-1 egg
-Lemon pepper
-Garlic powder
-3 tbsp butter
-Olive oil
-Lemon wedges

Steps
-Place almonds into a blender. (No need to toast them first, since you'll be frying them up later.)
-"Purée" or "chop" (or whatever your blender says) the almonds until you're left with a fine, grainy powder.
-Transfer almond powder to a bowl, and mix with a handful or so of Asiago cheese.
-In other bowl, beat egg with a dash of lemon pepper and a dash of garlic powder.
-Fill yet another bowl with flour.

All behold my dipping stations. It makes the most of my (lack of) counter space.

-Over medium high heat, begin melting your butter in a skillet or frying pan. Once the butter starts bubbling, add a splash of olive oil, and allow that to heat, as well. (The olive oil prevents the butter from burning over high heat, in case you give a crap.)
-Meanwhile, step back over to your dipping stations. Dip your tilapia filets into the flour, the egg mixture, and the almond-and-cheese mixture, in that order.
-Place the coated filets in your skillet, and fry over medium high heat for about 2 minutes per side. Slightly lower your heat, cover your pan, and continue cooking for about 5-7 minutes (depending on the thickness of your filets).
-Serve with lemon wedges...if you want.

Seriously...I'm awesome. This was unbelievable.

Because the Costco tomatoes are still fresh.

2009-07-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

4th of July weekend. A weekend in the Poconos full of hamburgers, hotdogs, and... rice and beans. Not exactly all-American, but I never complain about delicious Puerto Rican food (and I gotz da recipe, so stay tuned).

I returned Sunday night to my ugly kitchen to discover the Costco grape tomatoes are still fresh! Things like this excite me, for several reasons.

I don't have to spend more money on food.
I didn't waste money buying a jumbo crate of grape tomatoes. (Click here or here to remind yourself of their sexiness)
I have no life.

Combine that excitement with the bag of Costco tilapia filets chillin' in my freezer, and you've got yourself...

Braised Tilapia with Grape Tomatoes & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 tilapia filets
-Grape tomatoes (about 2 handfuls), halved lengthwise
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock (Organic Free Range Chicken Broth by Pacific Natural Foods... It makes a difference, trust. And if you buy it from Costco it's cheaper than Campbell's!)
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. At this point, your house should smell like B.O.--delicious!
-Add your halved tomatoes to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer tomato & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your tilapia filets with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Place filets in the hot oil, frying each side for 2 minutes.
-Pour your reserved tomato & onion mixture on top of the filets, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan (I just use tin foil, 'cause I'm fly like that), and turn heat down to a simmer.

-Simmer for 10 minutes, flipping the filets halfway through to ensure even cooking.

Ta-da!

This recipe is much easier than it sounds (and it sounds pretty fancy, no?) You can seriously "braise" anything (even humans, although I hear the meat isn't that tender). Here's another meal I made swapping the tilapia filets for chicken breasts (also from Costco--I swear they aren't paying me), and the grape tomatoes (they finally ran out) for baby bello mushrooms.

Braised Chicken Breasts with Baby Bello Mushrooms & Onions

Makes 2 servings

Ingredients
-2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Baby bello mushrooms, sliced (about 2 handfulls)
-Large white onion, chopped
-2-3 cups chicken stock
-Garlic powder
-Olive oil
-Salt & pepper

Do you really need me to repeat the entire recipe, substituting "baby bello mushrooms" for "grape tomatoes," and "chicken breasts" for "tilapia filets?" Ok, fine, you needy bastard.

Steps
-Heat oil in a skillet or frying pan over medium high heat. Add your chopped onions to the heated oil, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions just starting to brown. (Repeat B.O. joke here)
-Add your sliced baby bello mushrooms to the onions, stirring until heated through (about 2 minutes).

-Transfer mushroom & onion mixture to a plate, reserving your oil in the pan.
-Meanwhile, season both sides of your chicken breasts with garlic powder, salt, and pepper.
-Place breasts in the hot oil (sounds kinky), frying each side for about 3-4 minutes. If you're using chicken cutlets, a minute or 2 per side should be fine.

-Pour your reserved mushroom & onion mixture on top of the breasts, along with enough chicken stock to cover. Cover pan, and turn heat down to a simmer.

-Simmer for 10-15 minutes, flipping the breasts halfway through to ensure even cooking.

HELL YEA.

Vodka Sauce? No... just vodka.

2009-07-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Making risotto is no small feat. Especially when you're making risotto while drunk off Bloody Mary's. And your Mary is more Vodka-y than Bloody.

Actually, I'm enduring the gruelingly long process of making risotto because I want an excuse to make butternut squash.

Yes, this = butternut squash.

About a year ago, I became obsessed with squash. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I never had it growing up (aside from zucchini, but who knew that was squash?), and maybe it's because there's such a variety. And maybe it's because it's SO CHEAP. Anywho, a year ago I became obsessed with squash, and insisted on making every type of squash every night for dinner. Butternut squash, acorn squash, delicata squash, spaghetti squash... and the list goes on. My boyfriend would come home after a long, hard day of work, expecting nothing less than a rare, juicy steak, only to see a roasted, orange concoction strewn upon his plate. "What the hell is this?!" "Hubbard, obviously," I'd reply, pushing a baked orange slice towards him, smothered in honey, brown sugar, and pecans.

I think the last straw was when I returned, ecstatic, from King Kullen with a large Kabocha (Japanese Pumpkin). He responded by grabbing it out of my hands and rolling it down the street (and we live on a hill), and I had to run after my precious Kabocha before it got hit by one of the many Nissan Muranos that speed down our block.

After autumn, there hasn't been much squash variety in any local supermarket or farmer's market, but I have had several packs of frozen butternut squash collecting freezer burn since December. You know me, I'm always an advocate for fresh food over frozen, but I'm also an advocate of not running to the store when there is already food in your house. Combine that with a giant box of Arborio Rice that's been collecting dust in my pantry, and you've got yourself some Butternut Squash Risotto.

Butternut Squash Risotto

Makes 2 (LARGE) servings... Seriously, we couldn't even finish it all. So that probably makes it about 8 servings.

Ingredients

-1 medium butternut squash--or, in my case, 1 12-oz box of frozen precooked winter squash (usually a combination of butternut and acorn squash)
-2 tbsp olive oil
-4 tbsp butter
-6 cups chicken stock (I'll be using the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth from Costco that I mentioned here ...delish!)

-1 medium white or yellow onion (or a few shallots, if you want to be fancy), chopped
-1 vacuum-packed packet of Arborio Rice (about 17.5 oz of dry risotto, or 500 g)

-1/2 to 1 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano (depending on your taste)
-Salt & pepper, to taste

Steps

-For those of you using frozen winter squash, you've got it easy. Place the squash in a saucepan with 1/4 cup of water. Bring to a boil over high heat, and reduce heat to a medium low. Cook for about 8 minutes, stirring every 2 minutes to ensure even cooking.
-For those who have an actual butternut squash, you have to do a lil' prep work. First, half the squash lengthwise with a sharp knife (try not to cut off any fingers... I hear the taste of blood doesn't mesh well with risotto). Use a large spoon or ice cream scooper to remove all the seeds and stringy crap in the center of the squash. Brush the squash halves (not the stringy crap) with olive oil, salt, and pepper, and place in a baking pan, cut side up.
Tip: Add about 1/4 cup water to the baking pan, to keep squash from drying out.
-Place your baking pan of orange deliciousness in the oven at 350°F for anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes (you'll want to occasionally check if your fork could pierce the flesh easily...that means it's done). Remove baking pan from oven. Allow to cool until manageable. Cut squash into tiny cubes, place in a bowl, and mash together. Purée mash in a blender to get rid of any remaining lumps, adding a little water if the mixture gets too pasty. Set aside.
-Meanwhile, place your chicken stock or broth in a saucepan, and simmer until hot.
-At the same time (I hope yo' azz could multitask!), you should be heating the olive oil and butter in large pot or dutch oven (hahaha dutch oven... I really can't type this without laughing). Why both oil and butter, you ask? I'm sure you didn't ask, but I find this interesting. Well, since you're so interested, the butter adds the flavor and creamy texture to the risotto. However, butter burns extremely easily, so the olive oil helps give the butter a little bit more staying power. Now, you can sleep easily knowing why both greasing methods are used in this recipe!
-Add your chopped onions to the heated oil/butter, stirring constantly for about 10 minutes, or until your onions are transparent, but not caramelized.

Multitasking at its finest

-Add rice to the onions, stirring to coat the grains with the oil/butter. Stir for about 2 minutes, and then add a ladle full of chicken stock to the rice, with a dash of salt and pepper. Continue stirring (does this count as an arm workout?) until the stock is absorbed. This should take about 5-10 minutes.
-Now's the time to stir in your butternut mash, too. (Little bit at a time... you don't want to overwhelm your risotto with squash. Add a ladle-full at a time, and taste. Taste squash-y enough? Stop.)
-Keep adding a ladle or 2 of stock to the rice, stirring constantly until it's absorbed (and now you understand why I must be drunk to cook risotto).
-Continue this process until your rice is "al dente," and neither dry nor swamped in liquid.
-Turn off the heat, mix in a little Parmigiano, and you've got yourself some freakin' risotto!

PS: This will murder pretty much any diet you're on. But it's so worth it.

Words of wisdom, from a practicing Pastafarian.

2009-07-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

I don't think there's anything in the world I like more than pasta. Well, maybe cheese, but I don't make my own cheese. Yet. Maybe if I had a farm... Anyway, I'm getting off track. Back to pasta. Mmmmmm, pasta. My issue with pasta is that I can eat 3 giant pots of it and not feel full. Or keep eating, and not realize I'm full until an hour later, when I have to undo a button and a zipper, and spark a few "How far along are you?" remarks.

But that's OK. Because the deliciousness (and cheapness) of pasta makes all of that worth it. Plus, it's a great way to use up leftovers...and all that bulk Costco stuff.

For today's recipe, I'm dipping into my Costco supply of roasted red peppers, asparagus, and grape tomatoes.

I'm showing you them again, because they're sexy.

Here goes...

Cellentani with Roasted Garlic, Asparagus, Grape Tomatoes, and Red Peppers

Makes 2 servings*
*Please note that my boyfriend and I are animals, so 2 servings equals about 6 servings in most cultures.

Ingredients

-1 box Barilla Cellentani pasta
-2 big handfuls of grape tomatoes
-5 stalks of asparagus, tough ends cut off
-1 large roasted pepper, sliced into thin strips (obviously, homemade roasted red peppers are better, but I have a big jar--see "Roasted Red Pepper Purée"--and I let nothing go to waste)
-3 cloves of garlic, peeled and sliced
-Olive oil (enough to coat your pan)
-Asiago cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano and Pecorino Romano work well too, but asiago is my favorite when available)
-Red pepper flakes
-Salt & Pepper, to taste

Steps

-Start boiling water for pasta, and set a pan coated with olive oil over medium high heat.
-Meanwhile, wash and chop asparagus into bite size pieces. Drop into the oil-coated pan, move pieces around to coat with the oil, and begin roasting.
-Wash and half grape tomatoes, set aside.
-As the asparagus becomes fork-tender and starts to brown, drop the sliced garlic into the pan. Stir constantly for 2-3 minutes to avoid burning.
-Your pasta water should be boiling by this point. Drop in the box of Cellentani, and cook for about 10-12 minutes.
-While the pasta cooks, stir the halved grape tomatoes into your pan, and mix until they start to burst and the skin starts to shrivel.
-Stir in the roasted red pepper strips, and mix until heated through. Season with red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper. Remove pan from heat.

Dayummmmm! And, uh, you might want to step back while everything is roasting, because when you have a pathetically small kitchen like me, you WILL get scalded by flying hot oil. Trust.

-Drain pasta, and toss with pan mixture to coat.

Tip: As long as everyone likes cheese, add the shredded Asiago to the entire pot of Cellentani immediately, so that it melts and becomes stringy. Mmmmmm...

Mangia!

New blender = Sorbet for lunch

2009-07-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Although it's a little soft to be a sorbet, and it contains dairy. Gelato? Is that what this is?

Anyway, here's what I had for lunch today.

Berry Vanilla Gelato... Or Something Like That

Makes 1 serving... one giant bowl of a serving

Ingredients

-1 handful frozen strawberries

-1 handful frozen blueberries

-5 large ice cubes

-3 tbsp vanilla yogurt

Steps

-Microwave frozen strawberries and blueberries on "Defrost" setting for about 60 seconds. (This isn't necessary, but it makes the "gelato" easier to blend).

-Place ice cubes in blender, followed by yogurt, blueberries, and strawberries.

-Purée until smooth.
Tip: You can add sugar or honey if you'd like a sweeter "gelato." For me, the vanilla yogurt is good enough.

Tip: If you'd rather drink your daily fruit and dairy serving, blend on a higher setting, such as Liquefy or Frappe.

You can thank me later for the brain freeze.

Because I really do have that much time on my hands.

2009-06-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, the joys of finally finding a career you love. And by career, I mean... living off the government while I experiment with food all day.

Allow me to introduce myself. I go by the name of Tess Tickle, the Unemployed Chef. After getting laid off on October 31st, 2008 (Happy F'in Halloween!) from a printing company which made me want to put a bullet inside my head daily (I shall remain nameless), I've revelled in the idea of getting paid to do nothing.

But I don't really do nothing. I cook. Constantly. I spend my morning hours scouring food sites, tearing recipes out of magazines (which my boyfriend finds annoying when he later tries to read them on the can), making shopping lists, and preparing dinner. And I enjoy it.

Before you attempt to recreate any of the recipes I have listed on this blog, there are a few things of which you should be made aware:

I'm incredibly sarcastic. If you have no sense of humor or take everything literally, click out of my blog. Immediately.
I'm a bored, unemployed Italian girl in Staten Island. I'm not Martha Stewart, in case you had us confused.
I don't do "measurements." A *handfull* of this, a *pinch* of that, a *dash* of...it's not that hard. Unless you're 7'2 with gigantic hands. In that case, you might want to scale back a bit.
My kitchen is small and ugly and almost too embarassing to photograph. Almost.
I love Costco, and buy in bulk, even though I have nowhere to put anything. Therefore, lots of recipes will have repetitive ingredients, especially if it's something that's perishable and needs to be used up right away. If you're broke like me, you should benefit from this, too. No food shopping for a week! Sweet!
Most importantly, serving size. I come from a household where a giant dish of pasta is not a meal...it's a side. I now cook for my massive Norwegian boyfriend, who also lacks any perception of portion control. 2 servings probably equals 6 servings in normal cultures. Keep this is mind.

Ok, now for the good shizz.... food. Like I said above, I buy in bulk, so this week's meals are going to revolve around the few following ingredients.

-Grape tomatoes

This container is half empty, too... peep these bad boys.

-Asparagus
-Roasted red peppers (store-bought... unless you want to make your own, which is even better)
-Baby red potatoes
-Boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Low sodium chicken broth (try Organic Free Range Chicken Broth, by Pacific Natural Foods. It's only about 10 bucks at Costco for 6 32-0z cartons, and it's sooo much better than Campbell's!)
-Frozen talapia fillets
-Frozen cod fillets

And here are a few things I always have in my kitchen:

-Fresh garlic
-Olive oil
-Balsamic vinegar
-Wine (lush)
-Some type of cheese
-Red pepper flakes
-Good ol' salt & pepper

Which leads to tonight's recipe...

Oven-roasted Asparagus, Breaded Chicken Strips, and Roasted Potatoes with Roasted Red Pepper Purée

Makes 2 Servings (I'm warning you... read above... we eat like animals.)

Ingredients

Oven Roasted Asparagus:

-2 handfuls of asparagus stalks
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder (You know I love real garlic, but it will burn too quickly in this recipe)
-Salt & Pepper, to taste

Breaded Chicken Strips:
-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
-Italian-style breadcrumbs (4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs work well)
-1 egg
-Olive oil
-Grated cheese (Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano do the trick)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Potatoes
-About 10 baby red potatoes
-Olive oil
-Garlic powder
-Chives (fresh or dried)
-Salt & Pepper

Roasted Red Pepper Purée
-12 oz roasted red peppers (1 small jar, half a large jar)
-Olive oil (noticing a trend?)
-1 clove garlic
-Red wine (red wine vinegar works fine, as well)
-Cumin
-Cayenne pepper
-Salt & Pepper

Steps

-The potatoes will take the longest, so I always prepare them first. Thoroughly wash the potatoes (you'll be keeping the skins on), and cut them in half. Place them in a large baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, and sprinkle with garlic powder, chives, and salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for 40-60 minutes at 400° F, or until fork tender.
Tip: Remove the pan from the oven every 10-15 minutes and give the potatoes a stir to ensure even cooking.
-The asparagus will be prepared almost the exact same way, though they cook in less than half the amount of time. Place the asparagus stalks in another baking pan, drizzling with garlic powder, salt and pepper. This can be placed in the oven at the same temperature for 20 minutes, or until fork tender. The 10-minute-stir tip also works out here quite nicely.
-Coat a nonstick or stainless steel pan with olive oil, and place on the stove over high heat.
-Set aside 2 large bowls. Crack an egg into one, whisking until smooth. Fill the second bowl with breadcrumbs, seasoning with salt, pepper, and grated cheese.

-Slice raw chicken breasts into narrow strips. Drop each strip into the whisked egg, followed by the bowl of breadcrumbs. Once the strip is fully coated with breadcrumbs, drop into the hot oiled pan.

Tip: The chicken strips will cook quickly. A few minutes on each side, especially over a high flame, should be enough. If you're unsure, cut into the center of the thickest chicken strip, and make sure it's not still pink.

-Arrange roasted asparagus, breaded chicken strips, and roasted potatoes on a dish. Drizzle with roasted red pepper purée (see below).

Roasted Red Pepper Purée

-Place roasted red peppers in a blender.
-Add garlic clove, 2 tbsp olive oil, 1 tbsp red wine, a dash of cumin, and a dash of cayenne (or more, depending on how much spice you like) on top of the peppers. Add salt & pepper.
-Cover and purée until smooth. It literally took me 5 seconds, but then again, my blender is awesome.
Tip: Store leftover purée in a airtight container and keep refrigerated for future meals. To keep purée from trying out, drizzle a little olive oil on top of the leftovers.

Eat up, bitch!