Turkey Got Back

I have so many excuses for delaying this blog post. Probably the biggest one is that I'm a lazy asshole. Because you don't want to hear them anyway, I'll list the rest of my excuses for you.

• A squirrel or something ate my cable line, and I lost both my internet and cable service. I hope that squirrel at least wrote up a recipe for that shit. Electrical cords, with a side of acorns. Sounds delicious! Bastards.
  
  
• It was, what, 70 degrees last week? In October? After 3 weeks of 40 degrees and rain? I could care less when my internet was repaired.
  
  
• I was mad at the world for the past 2 weeks. Some of that is explained in the next 2 bullets.
  
  
• As you might recall from this post (and my cute little rage-rant in this post), I was supposed to be moving. And getting a real kitchen. And a HOUSE. With actual living space. I could almost bear dealing with incompetant real estate agents and dickwad vendors (our mortgage guy was cool, so no insult for him) knowing that in the end, it would all be worth it. Except our sellers' agent dropped the ball completely (JEFF MARTIN BLOWS GOATS), and our appraiser (I'd shout out that bitch too if I knew his name) just straight up didn't do his job, so the sellers backed out. Which leads to my second bullet...
  
  
• So we already paid for a lot of things we can't get back. And you know how cheap I am, so that frustrates me to no end. Oh, and since we told our landlord we'd be out of our apartment by October 16th, she got a new tenant. The Unemployed Chef suddenly became The Homeless Chef. I guess, on the bright side, it adds to my trashy edge even more. At least there's no more worries of me"selling-out."
  
  
• For good measure, I'll also add that the Jets lost to the Bills last week. Really? As you may already know, I'm a tailgate blogger for Buffalo Sports Daily, and I knew off the bat that last week's post would be a conflict of interest. But I didn't know I'd have to be the humble one. You can check out the post here.

For all of the reasons above, I feel like an ass. Which leads me to the following recipe... (Scroll down for ass references)

Yeah, burgers are perfect tailgate food. But you already know that. With all the Thanksgiving discounts and ads (it's not even November yet!), I started thinking...hmmm...Turkey Burger? But that makes me think of diets and "healthy" alternatives, and that makes me sad.

Well, if the Turkey Burger is huge, and covered in bacon, cheese, onions, and other masses of lard covered goodness....I guess that could be acceptable. And tailgate worthy.

That's where I came up with...

...the BIG-ASS Turkey Burger.

Don't worry. It's a lot of meat (or bird). And it really is a big-ass burger. But you'll be fine. I threw in lettuce and tomatoes, so that makes it a salad...right? That stops it from being a total heart attack....RIGHT?!

But really, don't worry. Or you'll sound like this.

Here's the best part--I don't even have a grill at the moment. How sad is that? So I thought I would be extra sophisticated and break out the George Foreman. We all know it's not a classy meal unless El Jorge is somehow involved.

Read on to see how you can bring a touch of class and elegance (and the best-tasting, least-healthy turkey burger you've ever tasted) to your homies before the game.

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Big-Ass Turkey Burger

Makes 2 big-ass burgers
Ingredients
-1 lb ground turkey meat
-4 slices swiss cheese
-5 scallions, green parts only, finely chopped
-1 small yellow onion, cut into small strips
-4 slices bacon
-1 beefsteak tomato
-2 kaiser rolls
-Romaine lettuce leaves, torn
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Fry bacon in a frying pan or skillet until crisp. Remove from pan, lying on paper towels, and set aside. Be sure to reserve bacon grease in pan.
-Add chopped onion to hot bacon grease, and fry until caramelized (translucent and browned on the edges). Remove from pan, and set aside.


-Meanwhile, add ground turkey to a mixing bowl, and separate with hands. Season with salt, pepper, and chopped scallions, and mix thoroughly. You know, get all up in that bitch. Massage your meat!
-Before forming your turkey burgers, roll your ground turkey into two balls, or ass cheeks, as demonstrated below. This will make the meat easier to smash down into even, circular patties. It also allows you to take fun pictures, such as this one, or perhaps one with a cucumber in the middle for good measure.


-Plug in your George Foreman, and let it heat up. I know the George Foreman comes with something to collect the grease, so it doesn't splatter all over your kitchen, but I couldn't find it. So I used the top of a Chinese-takeout container. Crafty?


-Form your burger (you can only do 1 at a time on the Foreman...sorry), place on your "grill," and close. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side, or until the burger is cooked through. Obviously, the thicker the burger, the longer it will take.


-Meanwhile, preheat your oven for 250°. Place your (split) Kaiser roll on a metal oven tray, and pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the roll is just toasted.
-Remove rolls from the oven, and top with burger, and 2 slices swiss cheese. Pop back into the oven for 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Top with lettuce and a thick slice of tomato.

-Finish the burger off with 2 slices of bacon, and a nice pile of caramelized onions. There goes any connotation that this may actually be a healthy burger.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!!

You can read me latest post (which contains both the recipe above and my utter embarassment of the Jets loss) here.

Heaven on Earth. Or, in this case, on Italian bread.

A few weeks ago, my cousin Jude messaged me via Facebook chat to tell me about a "heavenly" meatball sub that he created. Listen, when you look this good in a skimpy little number like this, the secrets of your nourishment must be shared to the world.

But seriously, his creation really did sound pretty heavenly. With the addition of ricotta cheese, the meatball-parm sub magically morphs into baked ziti (minus the ziti, and plus meatballs and bread). And as an added bonus, it could be made from leftovers. Since I'm pretty much the laziest piece of crap ever (I'll be celebrating my 1-year Unemployment Anniversary in 2 weeks), I like leftovers.

Usually, when I make my weekly batch of sauce, I'll make some meatballs for the hell of it. Spaghetti and meatballs go together almost as harmoniously as the Unemployed Chef and government money. Plus they make the sauce taste delicious (meatballs, that is...not government money).

But do me a favor. Please, please don't use jar sauce. You will break my little Italian heart. It's easy to make your own sauce (even for a lazy bastard like me). And you can make a big ass batch in advance. You can find my recipe, along with a rage-filled anecdote detailing my hatred towards jar sauce, here.

Seriously, don't use jar sauce. The Unemployed Chef doesn't want to have to choke a bitch.

If you're gonna steal my sauce recipe, you might as well steal my meatball recipe.

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Meatballs

Makes about 20 meatballs

Ingredients
-2 lbs ground beef
-4-5 slices Italian bread, dampened and broken up into small pieces (or 1 cup seasoned Italian breadcrumbs, such as 4C Seasoned Breadcrumbs)
-1 egg, beaten
-Oil, for frying (Canola oil is fine. I used olive oil, because that was what I had.)
-3/4-1 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano (or Peccorino Romano) cheese
-Dried parsley flakes
-Dried oregano
-Garlic powder
-Salt & pepper

Steps
-Place ground beef in a large bowl, and break up with hands.


-Add bread or breadcrumbs, and mix until evenly distributed.
-Slowly add the beaten egg to the meat-and-bread mixture, mixing as you go along. You don't want to overdo it. No one likes soggy balls. Or dry balls for that matter. Once the meat feels "moist" enough to roll (and hold together), stop.
-Season your meat-bread-egg mixture "to taste." I put that in quotations, because, well...most of the Western world doesn't condone tasting raw ground beef. You'll live. Trust me. But if you're gonna be a bitch about it, throw in about a cup of cheese, a few dashes each of parsley flakes, garlic powder, salt and pepper, and a pinch of oregano. That should do the trick.


-Start rolling the seasoned meat-bread-egg mixture into meatballs. They should fit into the palm of your hand. Unless you have gigantic hands that warrant meatballs which resemble small globes. In that case, use someone else's hands as a measuring guide.
-Meanwhile, in a frying pan or skillet, heat oil (enough to coat the pan, and then a little more) over medium heat. Once the oil is nice and hot, add meatballs to your pan (you will probably have to do these in 2 or 3 separate batches). You want the outside of your balls to be nice and crispy, but not burnt. I'd say, 5 minutes on the top and bottom (2-3 minutes on the sides) will do them good.


-After the meatballs are fried to perfection, remove them from the oil and rest them between two paper towels (to soak up excess oil and allowed them to solidify).



After these are done, heat up some sauce, drop in yo' balls, and you're good to go.

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"Heavenly" Baked-Ziti-Style Meatball Subs

Makes 1 serving

Ingredients
-Half a loaf of Italian bread
-3 meatballs (see recipe above)
-1 cup marinara sauce (If your balls are already simmering in a pot of sauce, just scoop them out...no need to measure sauce)
-Mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced (about 2-3 slices)
-3 big spoonfuls of ricotta cheese
-Shredded cheese, such as Parmigiano Reggiano, Pecorino Romano, or Asiago

Steps
-Preheat oven to 350º F.
-Cut Italian bread down the center, lengthwise. Leave bread together on one side, to hold your sub together.
-Place mozzarella slices along your bread, and place open sub on a metal roasting pan. Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

-Place meatballs on top of the melted mozzarella.
-Layer ricotta cheese on top of your meatballs, spreading it out for even distribution. Sprinkle with shredded cheese.

-Close up your sub, push down, and you're done.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! (Which might be an issue when they play the Jets next Sunday)

The "Heavenly Meatball Sub" recipe above was originally featured here. Check it out.

Up your butt, Jobu.

As I mentioned about a week ago, the Unemployed Chef is making major moves. Moves that may actually earn me a real kitchen. With counter space. With cupboards. Hey, you fantasize about threesomes; I fantasize about cutting boards and spice racks. I'm easy to excite, I guess.

Of course, nothing good comes easily. Consider this "big move" to be an upscale, overpriced meal (although this economy cuts a slight discount), served with a complimentary side of stress, annoyance, and the urge to go on a mass shooting spree. I have a very low tolerance for douchebags, paperwork, and incompetent people--and I'm up to my chin in all three at the moment. But I've mastered the perfect way to swim through this douchy trio. It's called "massive amounts of alcohol for breakfast."

For those who can't handle their liquor (pathetic), I've also perfected the art of using food as an explicit metaphor. Telling someone to "shove it up their ass" is weak. Physically shoving something up an anal cavity? Now that's making a statement.

I know this poor, helpless chicken isn't to blame, but a girl can dream, can't she?

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Beer Butt Chicken

Makes 4 servings

Ingredients
-1 whole roasting chicken (I doubled up... so that would be... 2 roasting chickens? I was never good at math.)
-1 (12 ounce) can of beer (Any beer works... I used Budweiser)
-Poultry seasoning of your choice (I used Mrs. Dash Southwest Chipotle Seasoning Blend on one chicken, and Mrs. Dash Garlic & Herb Seasoning Blend on the other. The Southwest Chipotle kicks ass.) If you don't feel like buying poultry seasoning, you can make your own dry rub easily with salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and paprika.

Steps
-Wash chickens thoroughly and remove insides (gizzards, heart, liver...all that good stuff). I don't care what you do with them, but in this recipe, your chicken has no internal organs. Your chicken is an alcoholic. It's insides are beer.
-Cover chicken skins generously with poultry seasoning, rubbing the seasoning into its inside and all of its crevices (yeah baby).



-Preheat your grill to medium heat.
-Here's the fun part: Open your beer, and chug half of it. Be sure to have more beer on hand. Since you have no self control, you'll probably down the entire thing. In that case, open another can of beer, and chug half of it.
-Hold the half-empty (or is it half-full? No, half-empty--I'm pessimistic) beer can right-side-up, and hold the chicken's "opening" open. As you can see, you might need an extra hand or 2.
-I'm trying to find a tasteful way to write this next step, but I can't. Shove your beer can up the chicken's ass.


-Keeping the beer can (and the chicken) right side up, place your drunken slut of a chicken on the grill.


-Cook chicken for a good 3 hours. Remove beer can, and serve. The skin should be crispy, and the insides should be moist (I believe that warrants another "yeah baby") from all of the evaporated beer.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! The Beer Butt Chicken recipe above was originally featured here.

Victory is mine!

It's important to always have a meal you can whip up in 10 minutes or less, just in case guests show up unexpectedly.

Lately, for me, that's been Mediterranean-Style Orzo. Also, I'm lying. I live in Staten Island. No one visits me.

A month ago, however, my boyfriend's little brother called and said he was driving up from Ocean City, Maryland, and would be over for dinner. I asked him what he would like, and he said, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." I specifically asked him if there are any foods he disliked and refused to eat, to which he repeated, "I like everything. I'm not picky. I like food." Jackpot. I don't need to go shopping.

However, when our guest of "honor" arrived four hours late, he informed me that he "doesn't eat feta cheese or olives."

So I guess this is a horrible example of how Mediterranean-Style Orzo is an quick, easy meal befitting for all guests. Oh.

The real reason I wanted to share this story is because it gives me a chance for revenge. If you tell me you eat everything, and then inform me later you do not eat specific foods (which just so happen to be 2 major ingredients in my dinner), I will photoshop cutouts of your head on random bodies. And post them on my blog. And if (in my opinion) you have a resemblence to Michael Phelps (with a sweet Hitler mustache), those random bodies belong to Michael Phelps.
Go for the gold, baby!

This is probably unwarranted, because he ate 3 dishes anyway.

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Mediterranean-Style Orzo

Makes 4-8 servings (depending on whether it's a side or a main dish...or if you're a pig)

Ingredients

-1 lb Orzo

-1 or 2 handfuls Calamata Olives, sliced in half lenthwise (This is a family recipe...we don't do measurements)
-3-4 handfuls baby spinach leaves

-Feta cheese, crumbled

-4 cloves garlic, minced
-Olive oil

-1 lemon

-Salt & pepper

Steps

-In a deep pasta pot, boil salted water for orzo, and cook until al dente. Meanwhile, lightly brown garlic in olive oil (enough to coat a frying pan or skillet) over low heat.

This cooks quickly, so have everything portioned, sliced, and ready to go. Mad props for using toaster as counter space.

-Drain orzo. Before adding orzo back to its pot, transfer browned garlic and oil from its pan to the bottom of the pot. Add spinach to the garlic and oil, and mix to coat.
-Pour hot orzo on top of spinach, garlic, and oil. Cover and let sit for 1 minute. The steam from the orzo will instantly cook the spinach.

-Stir orzo, spinach, garlic and oil until well blended. Add olives, a squeeze of lemon juice, and stir again. Add salt and pepper, to taste. Add feta cheese crumbles (however much you like), mix again, and serve.

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BUFFALO SPORTS DAILY features The Unemployed Chef as the official BSD Tailgate Blogger!!! Click here to see my latest tailgating recipe, along with pictures of me shoving a beer can up a chicken's ass.